Contradictio in Terminis

Okay so. The last post/essay/rant on here was slightly helpful so maybe now I'll start tackling something that feels bigger and is a bit more immediate.

I don't know if I should break up with her or not.

( Read more )

1) i am not dead yet

2) i am woman enough to admit that i am peeved about not receiving the attention i desired today. i spent a good while in definite pain (thank you, body, what the actual fuck), and i posted about it on tumblr when my best friend was online, so i know she saw it - but i didn't get a response from her whatsoever. and i'm a little upset about that because i could really have done with an internet *hug* right about then. :/

that said, i understand that she has other stuff going on besides me. i understand that i am not entitled to anyone's time (hence the venting here and not on tumblr). also, adelia gave me the much-desired internet comforts, so. <3 things were okay in the end. plus, the pain is mostly gone now, thank freaking god.

3) it will never cease to astound me that people actually like my writing. like, what, poor souls, don't you read anything better than the drivel i have to offer? i mean, i work hard on it, but still. i am flattered. <3

What's that, you say? The first weekend back on campus, you say? Too many self-destructive feelings right now, you say?

I have razorblades in my room? Okay.

...

I definitely did not mean to do that. OOPS.
(But after all this, what's one more scar?)

I just needed to put this somewhere other than my head for a while. There will be posts not dedicated to wangst! Just... not quite yet.

( I'm getting a headstart on the mental health/body image issues this year... #overachiever :-/ )

(and two weeks, two weeks until I go back to Kingston for Don Training and then it will be September and I will be insured and I will finally be able to talk about this to someone who at least gets paid to put up with my shit)

There are no words yet invented in the English language, nor in any other that I know that can accurately describe how COMPLETELY FUCKING TERRIBLE I feel about myself and my unending cowardice right now.

It's been the only thing on my mind ever since I woke up today. I am a continuous raw, writhing mass of emotions. Why wasn't I brave enough? He was holding my hand! Why didn't I turn around?!

I really fucking hate myself.

;ALKDSFJ;ASLDKFA; I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL RN A;LSDKFJA;LSKDFJ

ON THE ONE HAND, I AM REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE I JUST ATE SUSHI FROM THE BLUE KITCHEN AND IT WAS LOVELY AND THE PEOPLE WERE AWESOME, AND I'M GETTING TO KNOW* THE NEW PEOPLE HERE, AND THEY SEEM REALLY NICE AND I THINK WE'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME TOGETHER

BUT

BUT

BUT

OTOH, TAMAS, JOANNA, AGNIESZKA, MILENA AND PAVOL ALL LEFT TODAY; ONLY FRANCOIS AND MICKEY ARE LEFT IN ALBERTINE NOW AND I AM SO SAD, AND I MISS EVERYONE WHO LEFT AND JUST WHY CAN'T THEY ALL COME BACK AND WE CAN ALL LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER SOB SOB SOB


( emotional deluge under the cut )

BECAUSE PRODUCTIVITY IS FOR N00BS.

Below the cut: my partial costume for our Videodance number, which is choreographed to a Lady Gaga mashup (Bad Romance, Alejandro, Just Dance). Uh, warnings for derpy photos and me wearing revealing clothing? If this offends anyone, I apologize in advance!
( Image-heavy-ish! Also, again, I'm wearing kind of saucy clothing? IDK, IT'S GAGA!  )

I feel really weird posting this, but I'm really excited for recital, and I've never bedazzled a sports bra done my own costume before.

I( Read more... )