Raw Words

Jul. 31st, 2012 04:29 am

I just needed to put this somewhere other than my head for a while. There will be posts not dedicated to wangst! Just... not quite yet.

I'm getting a headstart on the mental health/body image issues this year... #overachiever :-/ )

(and two weeks, two weeks until I go back to Kingston for Don Training and then it will be September and I will be insured and I will finally be able to talk about this to someone who at least gets paid to put up with my shit)


From my Queen'sU inbox this morning:

February 27, 2012

Congratulations!  We are delighted to offer you a Residence Don position for the upcoming 2012-2013 academic year.  This selection was based on your application, references, and performance in the group and personal interview.  We look forward to seeing your contributions in creating strong communities in our residences.

HOLY SHIT, I'M NOT WORTHLESS!
I still can't believe this place. I still don't understand how this - any of this - is real. I'm still grappling with the fact that with one plane trip - literally, from August 28th to August 29th - life can change so drastically. Groningen is amazing. The people I live with are amazing. Everything is amazing and I am constantly in awe (and I know, I know, give it a few weeks and see what I'm saying then, but right now I'm living in this crazy happy bubble and everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.)

In the two weeks since I've been in Groningen, I've met people from all over the world. I'm making plans to visit places I've only ever known as names on a map - if that. One of my friends, Hanna, is from Finland, and has graciously mentioned invites to her home near Christmas time. Apparently they can hunt moose there by the light of the Northern lights! There are jokes going around about Oktoberfest in Munich, which I am so, so down for. It's crazy.

And that's probably the most extravagant experience for me: I am surrounded by people - and it's awesome. Over the last two weeks, I've been talking to people, connecting with them, initiating and carrying on conversations - and it's been fun! I never knew just being with people could be this enjoyable; is this what normal people feel like all the time? Even though school is already in full swing (I read three chapters of my Industrial-Organizational Psychology textbook this weekend and I have an oral presentation due on Thursday), I'm able to sit with people and just chill, relax, without stressing about projects or deadlines. I'm actively seeking social contact, which is so novel for me that I'm having a hard time believing it myself. This is so different from anything I'm used to; I smile at people in the mornings, say hi to them, even just sit quietly as they talk around me, all of us just doing our own thing - it feels like acceptance, community, and it's such a completely addictive feeling. How have I never experienced this before? It's so liberating, and I never imagined it could be like this.

P.S.: DUTCH MY LIFE

*pokes LJ* Hey buddy, you done glitching yet? I’m running out of excuses to delay filling out my Off-Campus Activity Safety Planning Form; I’ve had the tabs open for months. I mean, not that reading about the hazards of travel in the Netherlands isn’t interesting, but it doesn’t really hold a candle to the steamy, sexually-charged and beautifully angst-ridden awesomeness that is the relationship between Erik Lensherr and Charles Xavier. (Killing will not bring you peace, Erik! Neither will cupcakes, nor transfer directions to the train station in Groningen, s2s.)

 

Read more... )


Is anyone else having trouble believing July is almost over? WHERE DID MY SUMMER GO ;ALKSDJF;ASKJT;A I can’t even. Then again, I can’t even a lot of things right now, so that’s pretty much par for the course.

HAHA!



MOI, J'AI FINI MES EXAMENS!

(I am not thinking about how I did, nor everything I ate today, nor all the exchange stuff on my to-do list. I AM ~HEPPI.)

Also: a) PChan: see above, b) Habs, sob, c) THE ROYAL WEDDING IS TOMORROW, WHICH SEAT HAT WILL I TAKE WEAR?

TORONTOOOOOOO, HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 24 hours!
Exams: 3/5*

Dear body:

WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Stop dying on me! Exams aren't done yet, you cannot keep collapsing all over the place halfway through the day. I require the ability to complete sentences until Thursday at 5pm! I have to study like a mofo for French and Biopsyc, and that is dependent upon your ability to continuously maintain adequate muscle tension and to actually concentrate for more than 30 seconds at a time! This zoning out business has got to stop.

No love,
Sarah

a;sdlfjasdklf I am going to fail all the things. I am panicking now, but I cannot concentrate enough to study, which is new and unsettling. Thoughts start forming in my mind and then before I can complete them, they get obscured by white noise. So dumb.

As long as I can make it til Thursday, all will be forgiven.

*Exams I have a shot at passing: 0/5
This post probably involves some tmi.

Days left in Kingston: 7
Number of exams left: 4

I have chilled with Kim and Frank, I have gotten out of the house for a bit, and I am in the middle of studying German. The wether is lovely out, I got some free coffee from Starbucks, and yet I can't help feeling intensely depressed right now (and nauseous; obviously Starbucks scones and I were never meant to be). I have no idea why I'm feeling like this, and I wish I could just make my brain STFU already because arrrgh, you know? And although I would happily give at least a lung and a kidney to be home right now, I can't help but stress over that too. I'm scared of gaining weight over the summer, which, WTF that would probably be a good thing. I can see my ribs in the mirror, and I haven't had my period in three months. But my parents ccomplemented me last time i saw them, so i dont know what to thnk. And of course today being good Friday, the health clinic is closed, so I can't book an appointment with anyone to tell me I'm overreacting. Real life: I fail really hard at it. :/

Tl;dr: hormones suck, exams suck, I cannot wait for next Friday.
DONE MY ESSAY.*

DONE MY ESSAY.

DONE MY ESSAY!!!


FUCK YEAH! RESEARCH METHODS, COME AT ME, BRO!

*I probably failed. It probably sucks. My prof probably hates me. Number of fucks being given right now? NONE.
I'm stressed, cranky and tired. I haven't spoken to another human being all day (ordering coffee doesn't count); I've been out of the house a grand total of twice. I feel like shit because I haven't been able to go to the gym. I have been working on this essay for twelve goddamn hours. It's a piece of shit, and I'm sick of thinking about it - I have exams coming up in four days. I've eaten nothing but oatmeal and junk food all day, and I wish I could throw it all up (but my textbook says that you only lose 50% of the calories, max, and that's if you throw it up immediately after consumption). My fingers are bleeding from where I've been giving myself hangnails.

The essay is still three pages over the limit, my emails are getting on my prof's nerves, and I have no idea what I'm even saying anymore.

Someone explain to me how these are supposed to be the best years of my life.

ETA: And also I am an ass for standing people up inadvertently. I should possibly just staple a KICK ME sign to my back, at this rate. :/ 

GDI

Apr. 3rd, 2011 07:38 pm
University is eight hours in the library with three sentences to show for it.
SELF-IMPOSED 24-HOUR INTERNET* BAN STARTS AT 9:30PM THURSDAY, MARCH 31ST. Because I cannot afford to let my marks slip at all this term, and I have just spent two hours doing nothing when I should have had the second paragraph of my essay written, and I feel like scum.

*Exceptions: checking email in class is fine, because Friday's lecture is just Dr. B's Really Fascinating Life History (aka not something I need to worry about for the final). Also, anything related to research for my lab report/said essay. BUT THAT'S IT.
;alskdfj;ewrnt;SSHHG;HLKAHSGEAKHGANQ;EKHA;HA;KLDN

QDC JUST DANCE 2011 = MY LIFE ♥

I can't believe dance is over! There is a gigantic gaping void in my life now, where dance class used to be, and I can't believe that it's all gone by so fast.

Recital was a huge success! :D I haven't gotten much audience feedback (parents don't count; I think they were more preoccupied with my haircut), but on Saturday, the crowds were amazing, and being on stage felt amazing, and the other dancers were amazing, and it was all ~so beautiful~ ;asldkfjals;d I AM WHELMED BY THE AWESOME!

alors on danse~ )
I wish we could all just dance forever. ♥________♥

*I keep wanting to make self-deprecating jokes about people seeing me in my underwear, and then I remember that for Videodance, my costume was underwear, so it's a bit late to be worrying about modesty, I guess.
I am vacillating between hey, this is just a normal day, I can do this and ohmygod so many people are drunk and everyone I know will be getting drunk and DO NOT WANT DO NOT WANT DO NOT WANT.

Sometimes, I feel like party behaviour is this giant, invisible bully because hearing Everyone Else getting sloshed at 10:42 am makes me feel awful about myself, sitting in my room at my computer. WHAT IS THAT, EVEN? This is when I miss Toronto something fierce, because at least there I know people who don't consider going to bed at 11pm a moral flaw.

UGH I wish I knew more people who believed in moderation. Or plans that didn't involve hiding in my room tonight, IDK.
This is a post all about eighteenth century French literature! Because reading Diderot is just... LOLWUT. But it is not a srs!bznz post because a) LOL THE BOOK IS WRITTEN IN FRENCH, WHAT IS THIS READING COMPREHENSION YOU SPEAK OF? and (consequently), b) my summary of the book is basically as follows: two guys ride around and talk about their sexcapades.

I REALLY ENJOYED THIS BOOK. :DDDDDD

Let the record show that: 1) If I am looking up fanfiction for Jacques le fataliste, it is only because DIDEROT TOLD ME TO. Or, rather, he was all "I DARE YOU TO DO BETTER Si vous n'êtes pas satisfait de ce que je vous révèle des amours de Jacques, lecteur, faites mieux, j'y consens." WHICH IS BASICALLY THE SAME THING.

2) "Tu es mon serviteur, quand je suis malade ou bien portant, et je suis le tien quand tu te portes mal." (p.118) ;LASKDJF;LASKDJFAS YOU GUYS WHY IS IT SO ~BROMANTIC ;ASLDKJFA;LSDF (There are other examples, but I am too lazy to type up a whole paragraph of French js.)

3)... THAT IS SOME NICE BROMANCE YOU'VE GOT GOIN' ON THERE, DIDEROT.

Jacques: Bonjour, ladies.
Look at your Maître. Now back to me. Now back à votre Maître. Et encore à moi. Malheureusement, il n'est pas moi. Mais s'il ne prendrait pas une prise de tabac en regardant l'heure qu'il est, he could act like he's me. Look down, back up. Where are you? You're camping in the French countryside with your Maître. What's on your mind? I have it! It's a history of the time I learned sex didn't have to be in the missionary position. Look again. The woman is now on top! Anything is possible si c'est écrit là-haut.
Son Maître: I'm on a horse.

SOMEDAY, I WILL ACCEPT THAT NO ONE APPRECIATES BUTCHERED FRANGLAIS OLD SPICE MEMES*. UNTIL THEN, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO PUT UP WITH ME.

*Also, why have I not been able to find one for The Eagle? STEP IT UP, FANDOM. :D
Well, I'm back in Kingston. Pleasantly surprised to find that the apartment is a) still standing, and b) relatively clean. Right now I'm just taking a minute to be slightly overwhelmed by the amount of work I've neglected over reading week: not merely readings, but also a lab report (I think I need to scrap what I have so far and start over again, because things are looking wonky, arrgh), a German assignment, and the part where I have until Friday to make a decision about going on exchange.

Thankfully, with the power of To-Do lists, I have Plans, which will hopefully allow me to take the stick out of my ass so I can pretend to be Normal. Also, coffee. There is nothing that cannot be conquered by the addition of More Caffeine. 

The weekend was totally worth the imminent stress, though. On Saturday, I slept in (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was glorious~), baked banana bread and hung out with Eden before having dinner with the grandparents. Later, Chloe came over and we skyped [livejournal.com profile] cherishedsaulie  and watched the vlogbrothers until two in the morning. I HAVE BEEN CONVERTED. Extremely belated though I am, ;alskdjf;asd I have oodles of love for them now. Today, we had the relatives over for Oma's birthday lunch. I do not think my waistline was helped by the entire table of chicken rice/chow mein/salmon OMG I devoured, but I'm reminding myself that university fare starts again on Monday, so it's completely justified.

OH AND BY THE WAY, WHITE COLLAR EP 2.14 IS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER OH MY GOD IT IS LIKE FIC ON TELEVISION.

One last tidbit and I'm done: THE EAGLE - NOW IN LATIN
Read more... )

ugh :|

Feb. 11th, 2011 05:57 pm
aslkdfal;s I hate this part of the day, when my second coffee has worn off and I would give an arm and a leg to be able to go to sleep right now, but I can't, because midterms are going to fucking murder me next week, and just. So much DO NOT WANT. ://////////////////////////// JE SUIS UNAMUSED RN.

On the bright side, I treated myself to a riser for lunch today and it was absolutely fucking delicious. The coffee was vile, though. Arrgh, I want midterms to be over so I can properly freak out about being homeless and unemployed! Rage! Angst! FEAR MY HORMONES for they are persistent assholes! (Fffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.)

...and they say grad school is worse than this. Urge to hide under bed forever rising.
*picks self up off the floor*

*tentatively tries to reattach all the broken bits*

*fails*

...

...

...

Did that just happen? Oyyy, and here I was thinking that abnormal psyc got better in the second semester. WHOOPS, GUESS NOT. :/ IDK if I am just being the "wronged woman" here, but was there a single question on there that actually pertained to, oh, I dunno, anything in the lectures?!

*while studying*
Sarah: "I totally got this!"

*reading first question*
Sarah: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU brb getting steamrolled by a multiple choice exam, oh fail"

Hurg.

Anyway, the notes must go on; LJ-therapy break over, time to tackle... BIOPSYCH! Noooooooooooooooooo
LAST NIGHT WAS WHITE COLLAR NIGHT. WHICH MEANS I GET TO WATCH IT TODAY ;ALKSDFJA;LSDKJFAS. :DDDDDDDDDDDDD I am, however, glaring balefully (possibly soon to be Balefully, oho!) at the To-Do List of Gnarrgh, whose existence means I must Exercise Restraint and not watch it until tonight after dance.

BUT FIRST CAN I POST ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE MY ABNORMAL PSYC COURSE?? OH MY GOD. ;ADKLSFJA;LSKJASKT; Ok, mostly the prof - ok, he's only our temporary prof - but whatever, whatever, haters gonna rotate. So basically, there is this prof named Dr. Bowie. And just. He is so competent and knowledgeable and interesting AND AWESOME. Today, for example, part of our lecture consisted of a Skype conference with a participant in one of Dr. Bowie's research/treatment labs. Last class, a man who had undergone treatment for schizophrenia came in to talk to us about his experiences. This being an abnormal psychology course, IRL connections like that are awesome. But, you know, I'd be equally happy just listening to Bowie's lectures all day. ;alsdkfa IDK, he is so interesting, I just fangirl him so hard. It is a good thing anime expressions don't translate literally to real life, because then the HEARTS AND STARS IN MY EYES would actually be a bit mortifying.  I actually caught myself doing IRL *flailyhands* at the start of class today... whoops. >.>

IN CONCLUSION: AWESOME.

Now I've got to go roll up the Sleeves of Willpower and tackle my readings.

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