Contradictio in Terminis

My first exposure to suicide was <lj-user="cagedwriter61">.

Well, okay, maybe not my first *ever*, but I spent thirty minutes tracing my LJ entries and on June 14, 2006, I wrote a really freaked-out private post full of capslock and anxiety because I thought this unknown person whose fic I sometimes enjoyed was gonna kill themselves. I remember the sick panic that filled me as I read her post and typed my own in a flurry of emotion.

Today, 11 years down the line, I found her LJ again and she's still alive. The journal isn't active and I can't find her anywhere online, but she was writing fic at least through 2015, before moving to a now-defunct Wordpress site.

It's crazy how time does that. I remember the visceral fear of loss that gripped me as I wrote out my post at 15; and now at 26 to know she's also survived and come to a truce with her demons - that's powerful stuff.

It just feels very hopeful. Like. We can do this. Look at us doing this. Surviving, living, thriving one step at a time.  

Sometimes i have to consciously remind myself that other people's emotions are not games.

But there's a scared primal psrt of me that just loves playing to win.

My dad was being snappy at me over text and saying stuff i know he'll regret when he looks at it later. So instead of engaging, i straight up apologized which is gonna make him feel guilty for ragging on me and part of me says it was an adult move and part of me gets a sick satisfaction out of it.

I also finally unfriended my ex on twitter insta and fb. Like she tweeted abt twisting the knife and i have been shitty to her but this is a p foolproof way to protect her against any otherimpulses i might have to contact her. Idk i felt like i was censoring myself a lot over the course of our relationship and of course there were amazing parts and i love her but i didn't feel secure and i was bad at communicating so i think this was for the best (it hurts like all hell tho).

But I'm trying to stay positive. I know the holidays will probably be pretty hard with everything that's happened this year, but there are still amazing things in my life that I'm thankful for. For example, Nastassia and I met up yesterday after like six yrs of not seeing each other and we talked and laughed for three hours, it was fantastic. And Kate is coming for New Year's, and ST invited me out to her bf's bday - so things are, like, happening. I'm really happy and grateful to be reconnecting with people and forming a life in this city again.

Here's the state of the nation:

I broke up with her.

It fucking sucked.

It still fucking sucks. I think about her every day. I get chest pains when I have to say, read, or type her name. I think about her all the time, miss her ferociously, can't get her out of my head or my heart, wish I hadn't dashed what we had to pieces, I hurt hurt hurt all the time, I've been cutting deep, I still love her I still care about her I am a mess and I cannot deny that I hope she still loves and cares about me too.

People tell me it will get easier. This is what my friends and parents and therapists and doctors say. I hope they're right.

In the meantime, I'm trying to live as normal a life as I can. Food has been very scary and hard for me recently; specifically, feeling out of control and overeating. I've gained weight, though some of it might be muscle mass from kickboxing (!!) and the weightlifting I'm doing (I can bench 50 pounds yo).

I miss her a lot and every day is a conscious effort not to kill myself, but I'm also at least peripherally aware, whenever I get sucked too much into it, that this is part of why we broke up - because I couldn't handle her shit and my own.

And I feel bad because I'm coming to the realization of things I was doing in the relationship that weren't conducive to it, and I wish I could have fixed that sooner because now we're not talking and I still miss and love her and it's painful. But I wasn't really treating her like a person, if that makes sense? I was - and probably still am - too close to my own eating disorder to not fear it in others. So it would get to the point where her eating disorder was literally the only thing about her that I could see - and eating disorders are hard to love. And, thinking back on it, I don't think it was helpful for her either, when I kept thinking that way. Like, you need people to see you as a person and not as your illness, you know? And I'm definitely still struggling with that.

There's a lot of other stuff I want to say, and I'm sure it'll make its way here as I collect my thoughts and move through the grieving process over the next few months. For now, I'm lost, hurt, confused, full of regret, and I still love and miss her terribly.

you are twenty-four.
she is not talking to you.
this silence is the loudest noise you have ever felt
and worse

it is

impersonal.

you are twenty-four and you are scared.

Okay so. The last post/essay/rant on here was slightly helpful so maybe now I'll start tackling something that feels bigger and is a bit more immediate.

I don't know if I should break up with her or not.

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I GOT ASKED OUT BY A GIIIIIIRRRRRRRRLLLLLLLLLLLL  ♥___________________♥

1) i am not dead yet

2) i am woman enough to admit that i am peeved about not receiving the attention i desired today. i spent a good while in definite pain (thank you, body, what the actual fuck), and i posted about it on tumblr when my best friend was online, so i know she saw it - but i didn't get a response from her whatsoever. and i'm a little upset about that because i could really have done with an internet *hug* right about then. :/

that said, i understand that she has other stuff going on besides me. i understand that i am not entitled to anyone's time (hence the venting here and not on tumblr). also, adelia gave me the much-desired internet comforts, so. <3 things were okay in the end. plus, the pain is mostly gone now, thank freaking god.

3) it will never cease to astound me that people actually like my writing. like, what, poor souls, don't you read anything better than the drivel i have to offer? i mean, i work hard on it, but still. i am flattered. <3