2017-03-14 09:47 pm


My first exposure to suicide was <lj-user="cagedwriter61">.

Well, okay, maybe not my first *ever*, but I spent thirty minutes tracing my LJ entries and on June 14, 2006, I wrote a really freaked-out private post full of capslock and anxiety because I thought this unknown person whose fic I sometimes enjoyed was gonna kill themselves. I remember the sick panic that filled me as I read her post and typed my own in a flurry of emotion.

Today, 11 years down the line, I found her LJ again and she's still alive. The journal isn't active and I can't find her anywhere online, but she was writing fic at least through 2015, before moving to a now-defunct Wordpress site.

It's crazy how time does that. I remember the visceral fear of loss that gripped me as I wrote out my post at 15; and now at 26 to know she's also survived and come to a truce with her demons - that's powerful stuff.

It just feels very hopeful. Like. We can do this. Look at us doing this. Surviving, living, thriving one step at a time.  
2016-12-19 09:17 pm
2016-10-07 08:20 pm

(no subject)

This post is in two parts.

The first part is: it’s Friday! The week is over and it’s a long weekend; I got paid today and practiced Intense self-care. I had a bath (!!) and exfoliated and moisturized (even my feet omg) and had tasty food and it was very soothing. Hooray for good things.

The second part is: Fuck this, i am fucking d o n e. I am done. Holy fuck this is why I never care about people, I fucking hate caring about people, I am not meant for relationships because I can’t fucking handle caring about a person without hurting them I just get so angry and volatile and I pull away in some fucking weird effort to protect the other person, like, I can’t make you 100% happy so I am going to fucking leave, like what the fuck kind of black and white thinking is that even?

Am I okay at reading minds? Am i getting better at letting you do your own thing. Does any of this make sense, do you even fucking like me, god knows i can’t stand myself right now. You deserve better and I. Don’t. Want. To. Hurt. You. but hurting people is all I’ve ever really been good at, and there’s something about the way the blood pulses just below the surface of the skin that I can’t break away from.

Once I was in grade 7 and one of the grade 8 boys was talking to me and he said: “It has to be all or nothing. Either I get an A or I fail completely, but I don’t do anything in between.” And back then, I remember being perplexed by that. What kind of logic would make you raze yourself to the ground just because you couldn’t reach the sky? Funny how life gives us the answers to questions we didn’t even know to ask. Because now I get it, now I’m like that too. It’s not logic. It’s an aching fire twisting in your heart, saying death before dishonour, saying if you pour the oil and light the match and burn us all alive - at least you’re in control.

All our ashes look the same in the hollow dawn.

2016-09-13 10:00 pm
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(no subject)

And just like that, it's fall. Sweet baby Jesus, where does the time go? (AND AT THE SAME TIME, WHY DOES IT PASS SO SLOWLYYYYYY can it be December like yesterday??? #gayChristmas, more on that later)
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2016-04-26 10:18 am
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(no subject)

Found this on a scrap piece of paper while cleaning out my room:
something a little more personal )

2015-12-18 07:55 am

by go we go

Sometimes i have to consciously remind myself that other people's emotions are not games.

But there's a scared primal psrt of me that just loves playing to win.

My dad was being snappy at me over text and saying stuff i know he'll regret when he looks at it later. So instead of engaging, i straight up apologized which is gonna make him feel guilty for ragging on me and part of me says it was an adult move and part of me gets a sick satisfaction out of it.

I also finally unfriended my ex on twitter insta and fb. Like she tweeted abt twisting the knife and i have been shitty to her but this is a p foolproof way to protect her against any otherimpulses i might have to contact her. Idk i felt like i was censoring myself a lot over the course of our relationship and of course there were amazing parts and i love her but i didn't feel secure and i was bad at communicating so i think this was for the best (it hurts like all hell tho).

But I'm trying to stay positive. I know the holidays will probably be pretty hard with everything that's happened this year, but there are still amazing things in my life that I'm thankful for. For example, Nastassia and I met up yesterday after like six yrs of not seeing each other and we talked and laughed for three hours, it was fantastic. And Kate is coming for New Year's, and ST invited me out to her bf's bday - so things are, like, happening. I'm really happy and grateful to be reconnecting with people and forming a life in this city again.
2015-12-11 09:50 pm

close my eyes, count to three

#notadate2k15 #butlikeafriendshipdate
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2015-11-23 10:25 pm
2015-11-11 11:01 pm
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(no subject)

i also just reread a bunch of my old gym/steph entries to remind myself that i've gotten over people before and I can do it again! it's okay if it takes time. it's okay to miss hayley. it's okay to love her.

(i'm fully being a coward bc i've been posting like fckn crazy on my blogs and stuff because i just needed a venting space so badly - but i can't bring myself to talk to her because aside from a littany of sorry sorry sorry... I have no idea what i'd say. what i really want is to hold her and kiss her and make sure she's alright, but if I were her I probably wouldn't want to be within ten feet of me - and knowing she hates me would just destroy me completely right now, so I'm holding off and giving her/myself some space. But my god. Every atom of my being is screaming for her.)
2015-11-11 10:16 pm

mea culpa

Here's the state of the nation:

I broke up with her.

It fucking sucked.

It still fucking sucks. I think about her every day. I get chest pains when I have to say, read, or type her name. I think about her all the time, miss her ferociously, can't get her out of my head or my heart, wish I hadn't dashed what we had to pieces, I hurt hurt hurt all the time, I've been cutting deep, I still love her I still care about her I am a mess and I cannot deny that I hope she still loves and cares about me too.

People tell me it will get easier. This is what my friends and parents and therapists and doctors say. I hope they're right.

In the meantime, I'm trying to live as normal a life as I can. Food has been very scary and hard for me recently; specifically, feeling out of control and overeating. I've gained weight, though some of it might be muscle mass from kickboxing (!!) and the weightlifting I'm doing (I can bench 50 pounds yo).

I miss her a lot and every day is a conscious effort not to kill myself, but I'm also at least peripherally aware, whenever I get sucked too much into it, that this is part of why we broke up - because I couldn't handle her shit and my own.

And I feel bad because I'm coming to the realization of things I was doing in the relationship that weren't conducive to it, and I wish I could have fixed that sooner because now we're not talking and I still miss and love her and it's painful. But I wasn't really treating her like a person, if that makes sense? I was - and probably still am - too close to my own eating disorder to not fear it in others. So it would get to the point where her eating disorder was literally the only thing about her that I could see - and eating disorders are hard to love. And, thinking back on it, I don't think it was helpful for her either, when I kept thinking that way. Like, you need people to see you as a person and not as your illness, you know? And I'm definitely still struggling with that.

There's a lot of other stuff I want to say, and I'm sure it'll make its way here as I collect my thoughts and move through the grieving process over the next few months. For now, I'm lost, hurt, confused, full of regret, and I still love and miss her terribly.
2015-08-30 05:27 pm

oh travel be kind

God help me when was the last time I felt this conflicted?

Break up?

Say nothing?

My Toronto happiness feels so far away now that I'm here. But the Kingston unhappiness feels far away as well. I don't know what to do.

The work to become comfortable with another person. The effort and the anxiety. Motivation killer.

And, holding her, being in her arms - I can believe this is what happiness with another person is. Like Chloe said about Simon: a warm cup of tea.

But sweet baby Jesus. My misery feels far away but for how long? I leave Wednesday. I can't go back to that.

I just don't know what to do. Honesty? Best policy? Only time will tell. Gods willing tomorrow I'll know.

Wish me luck.
2015-05-02 07:42 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

you are twenty-four.
she is not talking to you.
this silence is the loudest noise you have ever felt
and worse

it is


you are twenty-four and you are scared.
2015-02-24 11:01 pm

not with a bang but a whimper

this is the death of my last private space
2014-11-04 10:59 pm

(no subject)

Okay so. The last post/essay/rant on here was slightly helpful so maybe now I'll start tackling something that feels bigger and is a bit more immediate.

I don't know if I should break up with her or not.

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2014-11-03 04:55 pm

dear self, ya gonna do good


I still haven't decided whether this post is going on livejournal or tumblr, so we'll keep it here for now. Long time, eh? *looks around* This place is dusty!

But aight, so on to the actual post. (With the preface that it's a bit hard to write this at the moment because I don't know where all my energy's gone but it fuckin went. Which may have something to do with the fact that I've been up since 4:30am or the fact that I've barely had any coffee today - but I'm really cozy in my bed right now with a mug of tea and my sweatpants on, so. Still good things.)
on y va )
2014-07-07 09:28 pm

Heeey so on Canada Day

2014-04-26 11:56 pm

you were swept ashore like bottles holding prayers

and after all that, i had to make the damn post private cause i'm a paranoid fucker.

every time i think about where this is going, i want to die
2013-11-27 02:27 am

(no subject)

1) i am not dead yet

2) i am woman enough to admit that i am peeved about not receiving the attention i desired today. i spent a good while in definite pain (thank you, body, what the actual fuck), and i posted about it on tumblr when my best friend was online, so i know she saw it - but i didn't get a response from her whatsoever. and i'm a little upset about that because i could really have done with an internet *hug* right about then. :/

that said, i understand that she has other stuff going on besides me. i understand that i am not entitled to anyone's time (hence the venting here and not on tumblr). also, adelia gave me the much-desired internet comforts, so. <3 things were okay in the end. plus, the pain is mostly gone now, thank freaking god.

3) it will never cease to astound me that people actually like my writing. like, what, poor souls, don't you read anything better than the drivel i have to offer? i mean, i work hard on it, but still. i am flattered. <3
2013-11-21 06:15 am
Entry tags:

hey fifteen year old self

rejoice! because now you can wake up from dreaming about naked girls and find it cool rather than freaking out about it. yeah :D go you. i know you waited a long time for this.

she (h) was pressed up against you and it felt so good, so warm and safe