i said i love you, what does it matter if i lied to you?

[bitchy_merlin]

UGH so Kate is going to visit Hayley and she's all excited about her tickets which is GREAT but also FUCK MY ACTUAL LIFE now I have to hear about my ex all the time - which, granted, I've been occasionally checking her tumblr because I like knowing shit and old habits die hard - but the thing is it's about control for me and if Kate's there or keeps talking about her then I don't have control and it's just... my head gets messy.

(But I'd be lying if I said part of me doesn't hope Hayley misses me too. I don't even miss her, I miss having her, like knowing there was an us, and that's fucked, right, like shouldn't I miss her as a person? ANyway, just another reason added to the laundry list of why we shouldn't get back together. Maybe I only want her cause it's safe. IDK.)

BUT in fairness, it has been a while since my last update, so LET ME TELL U A THING about how both K and R have professed interest in playing with me, and though nothing has happened yet, I was ridiculously flattered. Also got my first semi-legit play session with Rebecca the other week (she spanked me until my ass was red; I hope next time she can tie me up and make me bleed tbh).

So much of me is just this huge gaping desire to feel wanted. But at least we get Mondays off next semester so I can talk to Dr. Quadir about it.

Ummm, what else? Got two new piercings (right ear lobe) and DYED MY HAIR FUCKIN PURPLE. Best decision this year tbh; it's been almost two months and I'm still getting compliments on it :D I'm debating getting my navel pierced for my birthday (let's be real, it's not much of a debate, heh). And I've switched from boxing to pole dancing! Brass Vixens had a Groupon on for five classes, and I just had to try - and it was amazing! I felt so sexy as I moved around the pole, and no one there yells at me like in boxing. So I have a month membership until the end of April and we'll see what happens after that :D

OH ALSO, and this is perhaps my biggest achievement so far this year: David and I have started talking more regularly these past couple of weeks. I started watching Markiplier's video game playthroughs on youtube and I was like "well, these are video games and David likes video games, so I can yell at him about that jumpscare/plot twist/weird animation glitch" and, hey, he actually responds to most of my stupid yelling. And then I asked him for game recs (and tried playing Amnesia on his computer which was A WEEK'S WORTH OF NIGHTMARE FUEL) and yeah! Our convos were pretty regular for a bit there and I hope they continue like that! He doesn't talk about like his actual life rn or anything (in fairness, neither do I) but it's more conversation than we've had in a couple years and it makes me really happy.

AND ON (lmao, watch me start formatting this shit like legal documents, I die), equinexia and I are talking regularly on whatsapp and skype and SHE IS SUCH A PERF SUNFLOWER like her smile makes me smile and it's so refreshing to be able to send people ridiculously long videos and voice posts without having to worry about how I'll come off or if I'll be #toomuch for her because she Gets my weird enthusiasm and also sends me long videos and it's like a mutual flailing and it's awesome. AND skyping with her is like legit something I look forward to which is Novel because it's been so darn long since I've actually looked forward to skype conversations with anyone because I know we're just gonna get along easily.

One more #goodthing thrown in for good (heh) measure: I recently finished Sara Farizan's Tell Me Again How A Crush Should Feel. AMAZING BOOK. GREAT YA READ, 11/10 WOULD RECOMMEND. I skipped class earlier this week to hang out in Chapters and read it, and it did not disappoint! Leila is such a lovable, relatable character and her interactions and inner dialogue are just so wonderful and down-to-earth that it really put a smile on my face. I was legit laughing out loud and nearly crying by turns, and by the end of the book, I was grinning wide enough to split my face, I swear.