My first exposure to suicide was <lj-user="cagedwriter61">.

Well, okay, maybe not my first *ever*, but I spent thirty minutes tracing my LJ entries and on June 14, 2006, I wrote a really freaked-out private post full of capslock and anxiety because I thought this unknown person whose fic I sometimes enjoyed was gonna kill themselves. I remember the sick panic that filled me as I read her post and typed my own in a flurry of emotion.

Today, 11 years down the line, I found her LJ again and she's still alive. The journal isn't active and I can't find her anywhere online, but she was writing fic at least through 2015, before moving to a now-defunct Wordpress site.

It's crazy how time does that. I remember the visceral fear of loss that gripped me as I wrote out my post at 15; and now at 26 to know she's also survived and come to a truce with her demons - that's powerful stuff.

It just feels very hopeful. Like. We can do this. Look at us doing this. Surviving, living, thriving one step at a time.  
*dusts hands off*

Today snuck up on me! There I was, sitting in my chair and checking my email, and BAM! suddenly it's the new year. Happy New Year, everyone! Here's hoping to movements of the "onwards and upwards" variety for 2011. :-)

Original plans for New Year's were of the "going out dancing and getting hammered" variety, but those fell through by virtue of Chloe and I being out of the city for a week prior and no one else having the organizational balls to do anything about it. So I ended up joining her at a friend Caitlyn's house, where, among other things, we danced, made mulled apple cider (Tasty!), played video games and Apples to Apples, watched AtLA, drank copious amounts of tea, ate copious amounts of junk food, made copious amounts of nerdy internet references (over nine thousand!) and generally had a good time. Saw some people there whom I'd gone to school with in grade four. It's interesting to see how people have grown up. 

To ring in the first day of 2011 (!!), David and I went out for breakfast with Oma. SO MUCH FOOD. (And then I went and exercised forever, omg.) Tonight, we made sushi again. So much deliciousness, holy.

Today has been awesomely chill, in that all I've done is ignore my exchange application and dick around on the internet, hooray! Yuletide is eating my lifeeeeeeee! 33 pages of Discworld and Good Omens fic! I'm a little bit in heaven right now. ♥

While in the midst of my Sherlock/Discworld/GO fic-reading spree, I realized that something's changed for me in fandom. When I was new(er) to LJ/the internet, fandom was for me a mainly individual pursuit. Sure, I had my (fledgling, tiny) flist and there were communities I checked regularly ([ profile] remusxsirius , anyone? Holy hell, I used to have muscle memory for typing that address.) and authors I adored, but when it came down to it, fandom was basically me reading fic, and that was it. It wasn't anything I would call "lonely", because fandom, I don't think, could ever be lonely, that's the whole darn point of it, but I will perhaps call it "narrow". Aside from the occasional capslock-tastic comments on fics, I didn't really interact a lot with any other fans. (This is not to say that I do so to an extreme now, but I digress.) But then time passed and there were new fandoms to explore. Macros took over everything. The TDK party posts were probably where I learned that fandom didn't have to be solely individual. So many people! So many comments! SO! MUCH! CAPSLOOOOCCCCCCCKKK! Then Star Trek '09: the fic was amazing, the artists were top-notch, but I was still constantly distracted by thoughts of HOLY GOD LOOK AT THOSE PARTY POSTS GOOOOO~ ALSO THE KINK MEMES. Yuss. Fans interacting with other fans! An anonymous epistolary free-for-all! APH eating may brain for a looooooooooooooong time. :D Bit by bit, I learned that fandom didn't have to be all about the fic. Yes, fic is my drug of choice, but hey! The people are awesome too!

This was really driven home for me by [ profile] ontd_skating . Suddenly, the Kink Meme almost took a backseat to the other members of the comm. Seeing so many people talking to each other and suddenly being aware that - hey! - I could join in too! It was novel. Before, fandom had always been comforting because I knew that there were a bunch of people out there in the world with whom I shared interests and opinions - the fic they wrote proved it. But with my dawning awareness of things like the APH/Inception/Star Trek/[your fandom here] Kink Meme and places like [ profile] ontd_startrek  and [ profile] ontd_skating  (SO MANY LULZ), I realized that yes, fandom is made up of people with similar and sometimes obscure interests - but fic didn't have to be my only connection to them. I realized that I could actually interact with those awesome people and take an active role in my personal fandom experience. Whoa.

This realization only solidified with the Epic Adventure that was Skate Chanada 2010 (and guys, I could never make a "Fuck 2010 List", because despite all the other stuff that happened, SC made my year unbelievably awesome). HOLY SHIT, THE PEOPLE POSTING IN THE COMM ACTUALLY EXIST IRL!!  AND THEY'RE ALL AWESOME!! That was the sum total of what was blowing my mind throughout that weekend. The discovery was so obvious, but just ~*~SO WHELMING~*~ I don't evan. SC was also a major bit of fannish involvement, I think. I have never spent that much money on anything fandom related before, but ;LAKSDJFALKJTA;TLKAJ; soooo worth every penny. :D (I don't even want to say that it was a once-in-a-lifetime event because I'm just MISSING MAY BROS so hardcore rn (wish I could have been there for NYE akdjfasld NEXT TIME) that I will definitely be on board for any reuniting that may happen in the future).

So fandom has evolved into a much bigger social conduit. It took me a while (as it always does) to catch up to the herd, but now that I have dusted off my Twitter account for SC, and since fellow-LJers seem to crop up where I least expect them IRL (hello, [ profile] lovebanshee , [ profile] thatdayismine  and [ profile] ironychan !), fandom is more about connection than ever. It's this giant ridicu-mazing thing that makes me run out of adjectives and that I don't think I could ever properly define, but I'm really glad and honoured to be a part of. Fandom, being in it, and what I've learned and the people I've met through it, has helped shape who I am now. A little cheesy? Yeah. But not without truth. Taking a leaf from P. Chiddy (hay, don't look at me like that, I've been PChiddy-holmed) in DJBijoux's flawless, stunning, gorgeous, perfect, etc. remix:


I honestly think I'm going crazy. If this is what the first three weeks of grade 11 are like, what the hell am I going to do in grade 12? Uni?

I'm so scared. 

Now onto a completely different topic, because I can't wrap my mind around the fact that Aa's leaving. O.O

It's Friday, August 24, 2007.

There are 10 days till school starts. If you look at it objectively, I guess it seems like a rather short time, but it's a whole week and three days away, and I still need to go back to school shopping (Yes! for an excuse to shop!). And, well, do stuff with friends, but that's beside the point.

Not that these entries ever really have a point, but oh well.

Got the school letter package today: I can't believe they canceled silent reading! What am I going to do? How will I study for tests? Or finish my homework? What will my excuse for reading in class be?! etc., etc..
But mostly "I thought they said silent reading made an impact on the "

I really hope I got all the courses I selected. I can't believe they only have one Bio teacher in the school.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to this year. Not really because of the courses or anything, but partly because I always get like this at summer's end and partly because I really want to see just the general atmosphere of school again, what with half the TGym program starting at HCI this year. I think the dynamic will be... interesting.

And as a side note: anyone of the male persuasion is a complete and utter idiot. 

Another side note: "... fucking Merlin up the arse." Most hilarious line of dialogue in a fic EVER.
Home at last!

And on a completely random, but more frightening topic, Roxy, who is in Cuba, at this moment, is probably going to experience a hurricane sometime next week. What do you say to someone in that situation? Good luck? I hope you survive?

She better be ok.


Aug. 6th, 2007 09:02 pm
So I meant to post this about a week ago...

And it's finally here! Sit back, relax, and scoff at enjoy a taste of my reactions to and thoughts on HP7.

Well, frankly, my first thought was "holy crap, this is the seventh book! Once I'm done this, there will be no more Harry Potter." And then I channeled Shoebox  "What am I to do? Where am I to go? WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF LIFE?!"

After which, I finally settled down to read. And what a read it was.

Holy goodness. I just-- MAJOR INCOHERENCY, PEOPLE!
Here, I'll try to organize it. Please note: these points are not in any sort of order from least to greatest, ot anything like that. I just typed what I thought.


And now:

Anyway, all in all, brilliant book.  Wonderfully twisty and a perfect finish (ignoring epilogue) to this  spellbinding series. 

In the words of Mako: "It's a long, long way to Ba Sing Se, but the girls in the city, they look so pretty...."
Steph, I miss you.

I heard a song on the radio about someone missing their loved one, and I immediately thought of you. It made me sad. I know you won't see this, which is  why I'm telling you exactly how much I miss you.

I miss you so much.


Jun. 12th, 2007 11:15 pm
So, I've been thinking ("A dangerous passtime." "I know."<-- Disney!). It has come to my attention through various and sundry lj threads that some people are of the opinion that being gay/bi/trans/whatever is too much of a person's identity (i.e.: a disproportionately large part of their view of themselves). I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, so here's mine.

I believe that a person's identity should be who they consider themselves, not who other people think they should consider themselves. That is to say, if a person were thinking of themselves, they would think "I'm ... and I'm gay.", or "I'm ... and I'm a stunt double", or even just "I'm ...". A person's identity should be their view of themselves. For example, I would go something like this "I'm Sarah, and I'm a gymnast." Of course, not everyone would just go "I'm..."; obviously there would be tons of diversity. But that's the gist of it. If someone felt that the thing that identified them the most was their sexuality, then by all means, be proud of your sexuality. If someone felt that they were best identified by the fact that they belonged to Greenpeace, or raised cows, or wore purple everyday, then, again, by all means, identify yourself based on who you are to you. If you don't even identify yourself, that's great too. If there are more of you, the more the merrier. 

There are many different ways of expressing one's self, and half of them have yet to be discovered.  Once again, identify yourself based on who and what you are to you. 

If you are reading this, I wish you all the best. Good luck.

You can do it.
On a COMPLETELY random train of thought (because I can!) Helen Mirren (actress) looks effing fantastic! Seriously, go Google some pics of her, or check out Go Fug Yourself (Google it!) and in every picture, she is fabulously well-dressed. Every. Single. One. Gah. And not only that, but she looks so alive. In all those pictures, she glows. She radiates light and life and amazing fashion sense. It makes me happy :-)

Yeah. ok. Random over, me go byebye.
So, courses first: Bio, Chem, Functions, Music, French, Gym, ENGLISH (which I am incredibly excited for) and LATIN (I hope I made the right choice...)

As an end note of randomness, I can't wait til I'm 16!
ok, this is really strange:

In here, in my mind, at this moment...

I can do anything.

Fanvids are LOVE, there need to be more of them. Esp. DPS and H/W. Bwahahahahaaha! House+ WIlson as Pinky+ the Brain! Haha! 

I want to hug Neil. *is sad*
*watches Bonus features from DPS* OMG, Todd, you read poetry!!! I'm so proud of you!

Badminton makes me think I want to learn fencing. It seems sort of similar, y'know, with the movement and everything. Not to mention the fact that you can also cause a person serious injury with a badminton racquet.

Sometimes when I play sports, just as I'm lunging for, or trying to avoid something, I get the feeling that the air becomes heavier...almost like a liquid, and it's like I know I'm going to miss something (i.e: a birdie). It's like I know I'm not going to be fast enough, or strong enough, or able enough to do what I'm supposed to. This feeling usually happens in racquet sports, like tennis or badminton. 

But yes, definetly, badminton/fencing=teh AWESOME

swordplay )

spiders )
part 2 )

Bwahahaha! Monty Python: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

annnddd: movie stuff

A note:
I'm looking at the clock, and it's reading 2:29 pm. It's been 2:29 pm for the last five minutes now (or so it seems)...nope, now it's 2:30. ok, time is moving, the world is still safe. HELP. I am so bored, there is no one to talk to, so I end up posting here every five minutes cuz I have NO ONE to talk to who would even vaguely understand me, and gym is not for another 2 1/2 hours. UGGGGGG.

I feel like a fat, lazy slob. I'm not. I just want someone to talk to who understands me. That or I want to write a fic.

...or take a quiz...



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