Contradictio in Terminis

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you so fucking much you have no idea you just fucking i don't know but it was a good thing you did a good thing

those words were exactly the ones i needed to hear, thank you so much you are amazing. you have no fucking clue and even if i swore at you till i was blue in the face that wouldn't even come close to expressing how grateful i am for your fucking message you fucker


and jesus fucking christ i am so sorry for sending that message because i know it's not what you needed to hear now of all times, not what you wanted to hear, i shouldn't even be writing shit but fuck you just handled everything so well and you're not the only person i've told it to but yours are the words that just punched through my defenses (did i have any left? i don't now) like fucking bullets through sheet metal and i can't feel my ribs or the spaces between them anymore but my heart is still tripping with adrenaline from seeing your message


i'm so, so sorry i told you. why the fuck did i tell you? i'm still beating myself up over it; you don't deserve this knowledge. i didn't even want you to respond to it; i guess i just wanted you to read it so i could say i told someone cause that's what you're supposed to do, isn't it? (one day i'm going to narrate one of these posts out loud, and you'll be able to hear what i think of myself because vitriol only translates so well onscreen) but i told you - not much, not everything, not even half, literally maybe two sentences - and you, you fucking understood what i was saying and that - that jesus fucking christ you have no fucking idea how scary that is because as much as i wanted you to see, i didn't want you to see. but you saw and i can't say thank you enough but also i feel like a real shitty person because out of everything you're dealing with right now, i am not something you need to be dealing with. it's just hard for me to be a rock when i feel like drowning.

but you're amazing. and so, so kind, and i don't deserve you i swear and fuck you're just the best and i want to take all the shitty stuff out of your life and light it on fire and then pee on it i just i feel like i haven't done anything for you but whine about my problems when really you should be doing that to me because you deserve so much more than what i'm doing and i'm here for you i swear, just tell me how i can help

fuck everything, i just want to say thank you so fucking much for listening, for understanding, for letting me know. you are honestly a gem of a human being and fuck. thank you.

Random notes on things that have happened:
( Read more... )

Gotta love those Sunday night jam sessions~

Today, Albertine tried its hands at volleyball in the ACLO! It was a really fun game, despite the fact that none of use really knew how to play (though Mikko and Julie were actually pretty pro, and Esra definitely gave the ball what-for). After an hour of that, we biked back home and dug out Jamie's (nigh) deflated basketball to shoot hoops in the Noorderplantsoen. More epic funtimes! :D We also climbed on the play structures (i'm the king of the castle and you're the dirty rascal~) and climbed up some trees, earning some rather nasty stink eyes from parents, and wholehearted hero-worship from their children.

This evening, Nescip and the Turkish girls treated Orange Kitchen to a sing-a-long of sorts. Basically, Nescip brought out his ute (NB: IDEK exactly what it is; it's pronounced like U-T-E, but IDK if the spelling is anything close to correct, and I have no idea about the English name for that thing - to me, it might as well be a guitar) and serenaded us with some awesome Turkish music. Apparently, 99% of Turkish music is about love and tragic romance. Which is legit.

In Finnish: Hyvää Joulua! 

We just got back from Hanna's grandparents' place, where, in true grandparent style, we were plied with all sorts of delicious Finnish Christmas food (I took pictures of every dish - all will be up on DUTCH MY LIFE once I have access to my laptop again). We had rice porridge (delicous!) and fruit stew, pulla (little balls of sweetbread), jouluutorttu (flaky pastries filled with plum jam), taatelikakku (date cake) and rahkapulla (cream-filled sweetbread with lemon and raisins). I also learned how to say "thank you" - kiitos. 

Hanna's family was there: her siblings came with their children (adroable!). Her whole family is apparetly coming over to her house tonight, so I will get to meet even more Finnish people (and fail to communicate, due to the language barrier - but I have developed he general strategy of thanking everyone copiously and smiling all the time - seems to have worked so far...)

Can't really believe it's actually Christmas, though! I donät know where the time went! But last night, we decorated the Christmas tree, and today, we laid out the presents under it (literally a mountian of them - feels just like home!). I hope Hanna and her family like the gifts I brought- I'm thankful that the Gluhwein survived the trip here. 

Suffice to say, life is quite exciting at the moment, and I feel so lucky and blessed to be able to celebrate Christmas with Hanna and her family - not that I don't miss mine, but seriously, this is something special! :D 

HYVÄÄ JOULUA TO EVERYONE :D 

I have travelled! This post is a bit late, since the trip was actually yesterday, but I was so zonked by the time we got back that anything I tried to type would have turned out rather like: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

So we simply had to eat there. Jamie ordered bitterballen, which I've never had before. They were kind of like meatballs, with a crunchy outside and a really mushy inside - not so much my thing, but I can see how they'd be really popular pub food.

And finally, after the meal, we hopped back on a train to Groningen. On the way home, we made the acquaintance of another Dutch student - she was very friendly and we ended up buying cookies together. It still amazes me how people are so friendly here. In Toronto, no one really talks to each other on trains - friends, yes, but it would be really strange to start having a conversation with a perfect stranger. But here, it's really not a big deal to strike up a conversation with whoever is sitting next to you on a train. IDK if I would ever be brave enough to do that, but it's interesting to think about.


TL;DR, Utrecht had absolutely lovely scenery, and I'm so glad I got to go. Next weekend, life premitting, some other housemates and I are planning to go to Leiden for a day. Hooray, ease of travel in Europe! :D

Photos posted hopefully later tonight at DUTCH MY LIFE.


* Or jography, as Jamie pronounces it.

Ho-leeeee shit.


One week. One week, OMG you guys, where did the time go? This time next week, instead of answering questions about vacation accrual or filing invoices, I’m going to be in Holland, trying to catch a train from Amsterdam Schiphol airport to Groningen.


I leave on Sunday. I can’t even.

( Read more... )


Um, you guys, we interrupt this broadcast to tell you that Jack Layton is dead. WTF. Hello, mindfuck. It somehow doesn’t seem possible, and yet. :/






(My flight doesn’t seem possible either, but man, I gotta start packing.)


PLUS ONE REC: Can't Go Back The Same Way You Came, Thor (movieverse), by Pell on AO3. THIS IS PERFECTION. IN WRITING. It is at once understated and heartwrenchingly brilliant, and you all need to read it yesterday. Like, it'll make you cry, it's so good.