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Sep. 18th, 2013 12:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bitchy_merlinthank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you so fucking much you have no idea you just fucking i don't know but it was a good thing you did a good thing
those words were exactly the ones i needed to hear, thank you so much you are amazing. you have no fucking clue and even if i swore at you till i was blue in the face that wouldn't even come close to expressing how grateful i am for your fucking message you fucker
and jesus fucking christ i am so sorry for sending that message because i know it's not what you needed to hear now of all times, not what you wanted to hear, i shouldn't even be writing shit but fuck you just handled everything so well and you're not the only person i've told it to but yours are the words that just punched through my defenses (did i have any left? i don't now) like fucking bullets through sheet metal and i can't feel my ribs or the spaces between them anymore but my heart is still tripping with adrenaline from seeing your message
i'm so, so sorry i told you. why the fuck did i tell you? i'm still beating myself up over it; you don't deserve this knowledge. i didn't even want you to respond to it; i guess i just wanted you to read it so i could say i told someone cause that's what you're supposed to do, isn't it? (one day i'm going to narrate one of these posts out loud, and you'll be able to hear what i think of myself because vitriol only translates so well onscreen) but i told you - not much, not everything, not even half, literally maybe two sentences - and you, you fucking understood what i was saying and that - that jesus fucking christ you have no fucking idea how scary that is because as much as i wanted you to see, i didn't want you to see. but you saw and i can't say thank you enough but also i feel like a real shitty person because out of everything you're dealing with right now, i am not something you need to be dealing with. it's just hard for me to be a rock when i feel like drowning.
but you're amazing. and so, so kind, and i don't deserve you i swear and fuck you're just the best and i want to take all the shitty stuff out of your life and light it on fire and then pee on it i just i feel like i haven't done anything for you but whine about my problems when really you should be doing that to me because you deserve so much more than what i'm doing and i'm here for you i swear, just tell me how i can help
fuck everything, i just want to say thank you so fucking much for listening, for understanding, for letting me know. you are honestly a gem of a human being and fuck. thank you.
those words were exactly the ones i needed to hear, thank you so much you are amazing. you have no fucking clue and even if i swore at you till i was blue in the face that wouldn't even come close to expressing how grateful i am for your fucking message you fucker
and jesus fucking christ i am so sorry for sending that message because i know it's not what you needed to hear now of all times, not what you wanted to hear, i shouldn't even be writing shit but fuck you just handled everything so well and you're not the only person i've told it to but yours are the words that just punched through my defenses (did i have any left? i don't now) like fucking bullets through sheet metal and i can't feel my ribs or the spaces between them anymore but my heart is still tripping with adrenaline from seeing your message
i'm so, so sorry i told you. why the fuck did i tell you? i'm still beating myself up over it; you don't deserve this knowledge. i didn't even want you to respond to it; i guess i just wanted you to read it so i could say i told someone cause that's what you're supposed to do, isn't it? (one day i'm going to narrate one of these posts out loud, and you'll be able to hear what i think of myself because vitriol only translates so well onscreen) but i told you - not much, not everything, not even half, literally maybe two sentences - and you, you fucking understood what i was saying and that - that jesus fucking christ you have no fucking idea how scary that is because as much as i wanted you to see, i didn't want you to see. but you saw and i can't say thank you enough but also i feel like a real shitty person because out of everything you're dealing with right now, i am not something you need to be dealing with. it's just hard for me to be a rock when i feel like drowning.
but you're amazing. and so, so kind, and i don't deserve you i swear and fuck you're just the best and i want to take all the shitty stuff out of your life and light it on fire and then pee on it i just i feel like i haven't done anything for you but whine about my problems when really you should be doing that to me because you deserve so much more than what i'm doing and i'm here for you i swear, just tell me how i can help
fuck everything, i just want to say thank you so fucking much for listening, for understanding, for letting me know. you are honestly a gem of a human being and fuck. thank you.
