i'm still puzzled by how some people are born without depression? like, it feels so fundamental to me now that i can't imagine life without feeling this way and hating myself on some rock-solid level

are there people whose last thought before sleeping is not "i hope i don't wake up"? is it possible to wake up in the morning thinking something other than "i hate myself"?

i don't think i'll ever be a good person. not even "good enough".
trigger warning: mental health; tw: mentions of self-harm; tw: whoops i'm whining )

* * *

And, you know, most of my life for the past month has been like that above, a whole bunch of nothing. But then there are the small things, little things in the bigger picture, that I refuse to let go of mentally because they're pinpricks of light through the fog. Random, weird, angry moments. Things that confuse me.

cut for TMI thanks to my hormonal imagination )
What's that, you say? The first weekend back on campus, you say? Too many self-destructive feelings right now, you say?

I have razorblades in my room? Okay.

...

I definitely did not mean to do that. OOPS.
(But after all this, what's one more scar?)

Raw Words

Jul. 31st, 2012 04:29 am

I just needed to put this somewhere other than my head for a while. There will be posts not dedicated to wangst! Just... not quite yet.

I'm getting a headstart on the mental health/body image issues this year... #overachiever :-/ )

(and two weeks, two weeks until I go back to Kingston for Don Training and then it will be September and I will be insured and I will finally be able to talk about this to someone who at least gets paid to put up with my shit)


;ALKDSFJ;ASLDKFA; I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL RN A;LSDKFJA;LSKDFJ

ON THE ONE HAND, I AM REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE I JUST ATE SUSHI FROM THE BLUE KITCHEN AND IT WAS LOVELY AND THE PEOPLE WERE AWESOME, AND I'M GETTING TO KNOW* THE NEW PEOPLE HERE, AND THEY SEEM REALLY NICE AND I THINK WE'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME TOGETHER

BUT

BUT

BUT

OTOH, TAMAS, JOANNA, AGNIESZKA, MILENA AND PAVOL ALL LEFT TODAY; ONLY FRANCOIS AND MICKEY ARE LEFT IN ALBERTINE NOW AND I AM SO SAD, AND I MISS EVERYONE WHO LEFT AND JUST WHY CAN'T THEY ALL COME BACK AND WE CAN ALL LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER SOB SOB SOB


emotional deluge under the cut )

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bitchy_merlin

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