What's that, you say? The first weekend back on campus, you say? Too many self-destructive feelings right now, you say?

I have razorblades in my room? Okay.


I definitely did not mean to do that. OOPS.
(But after all this, what's one more scar?)

Raw Words

Jul. 31st, 2012 04:29 am

I just needed to put this somewhere other than my head for a while. There will be posts not dedicated to wangst! Just... not quite yet.

I'm getting a headstart on the mental health/body image issues this year... #overachiever :-/ )

(and two weeks, two weeks until I go back to Kingston for Don Training and then it will be September and I will be insured and I will finally be able to talk about this to someone who at least gets paid to put up with my shit)

There are no words yet invented in the English language, nor in any other that I know that can accurately describe how COMPLETELY FUCKING TERRIBLE I feel about myself and my unending cowardice right now.

It's been the only thing on my mind ever since I woke up today. I am a continuous raw, writhing mass of emotions. Why wasn't I brave enough? He was holding my hand! Why didn't I turn around?!

I really fucking hate myself.
I'm stressed, cranky and tired. I haven't spoken to another human being all day (ordering coffee doesn't count); I've been out of the house a grand total of twice. I feel like shit because I haven't been able to go to the gym. I have been working on this essay for twelve goddamn hours. It's a piece of shit, and I'm sick of thinking about it - I have exams coming up in four days. I've eaten nothing but oatmeal and junk food all day, and I wish I could throw it all up (but my textbook says that you only lose 50% of the calories, max, and that's if you throw it up immediately after consumption). My fingers are bleeding from where I've been giving myself hangnails.

The essay is still three pages over the limit, my emails are getting on my prof's nerves, and I have no idea what I'm even saying anymore.

Someone explain to me how these are supposed to be the best years of my life.

ETA: And also I am an ass for standing people up inadvertently. I should possibly just staple a KICK ME sign to my back, at this rate. :/ 

*headdesk forever*
Holler and to all those who celebrate it, merry Christmas Eve eve! :D December 24th was always my favourite day of the year, for a whole host of reasons. Not only do we get to hang out with the "German" relatives*, but we get turkey with Dad's mashed potatoes**, Oma's cookies for dessert, presents from the relatives, and, best of all, we get the breathless anticipation of knowing that if we're good, Santa will come overnight and leave presents under the Christmas tree.*** The waiting is half the reward, TBH. Not being little anymore is a bit saddening this time of year, but the other perks make up for it. Mostly.

Um, but this post is mainly to ask a question! I know this journal gets minimal traffic at best, but I would really appreciate your answers! The question is basically this: how do you deal with people when you're upset with them?
TL;DR under the cut. In other news, I am still fourteen. )

Anyway, tl;dr (kudos if you made it through that without giving up in disgust/throwing stuff at the screen btw), HOW DO PEOPLE DEAL WITH OTHER PEOPLE IN A MATURE FASHION ARRRGH?

*I have mentally divided my extended family into two sides. My dad's side, consisting of my Oma, my uncle and aunt, and my COUSINS!!!!1, I call the "Germans". My mom's side, consisting of... everyone else (grandparents, uncles, aunts, second-cousins, great-uncles/aunts, third/fourth-degree relatives, etc. etc.) are, collectively, the "Asians". TURRIBLE STEREOTYPING IS TERRIBLE. Sit here and watch me not give a shit.


***I still like to leave out milk and cookies.
1) Just got back from a lovely weekend in Niagara-on-the-Lake with vexinglyverbose and mod_martha. We shopped, swam, and ate awesome food. Last night, we went to see An Ideal Husband as part of the Shaw Festival. IT WAS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. And I wasn't even all that into seeing it in the first place. The tickets weren't exactly what you'd call cheap, so I was not too happy about spending that money, but I am so glad we went, because that was the most fantastic play I've ever had the pleasure of watching. The actors were terrific; the costumes were completely stunning, and, I mean, it's Oscar Wilde. What more can you ask for? What surprised me most about the play - more than the witty and intelligent writing, and the vivacity of the characters - was how thoroughly entertained I was throughout. I'm not a theater geek in any sense of the word, so I was like "eh, I will probably not be too enthralled by this" - BUT NO. I was completely taken from the opening act, and it was just FULL OF FABULOUS. ;ALSDJASLDKN;ASKLDJT SO MUCH LOVE FOR THAT PLAY. SO MUCH. ♥

2) I Have A Lot Of Feelings Questions: A Very Bitter Whiny Rant About My Education (Sorry for the Misplaced Commas)
Ok, someone please enlighten me because I cannot, for the life of me, understand this phenomenon. I am a generally mild-mannered university student. I go to Queen's University. I am planning to major in Psychology. WHAT AM I DOING WRONG?! Every time I talk to someone about my degree, there is always this undertone of "what the fuck, why would you choose psychology?". There's always a pause after that, like I'm supposed to say "Surprise! Jokes - I'm actually going into bio/history/philosophy/acupuncture", and the other person will laugh, and all will be well. I will be the first to admit: I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THIS. Whenever I tell anyone that I'm interested in psychology, I feel pressured to justify that interest. What can I say? I like knowing how the mind works. I like introspection. Why should I apologize for that? I'm majoring in it because I am interested in it - why is that so horrible?! 

Person: "So Sarah, what are you studying?"
Sarah: "Well, I'm majoring in Psychology--"
Person: "Oh, there's a psychologist here, can I leave the table now?"
(ACTUALFAX from this afternoon.)

Not to be impolite but what the fuck? I don't understand what's going on. What evil menace awaits in fourth year psyc? How is my degree worth less than that of someone who is going into Medieval Studies? Why does studying psychology make it sound like there's something wrong with me? It's my undergrad: no one's going to look at it after I've gotten my Master's, yet it feels like people are automatically writing me off because of it. It's gotten to the point that I don't like talking about my degree because I feel like I should be ashamed of it. And, trust, when you're spending this much money on something, you want it to be something you're not ashamed of.

Am I just projecting this? It's completely possible. (But I sure wasn't projecting the above conversation.) Is there some critical element of a BA in psyc that I have just failed to grasp? My mom majored in Psyc, and she turned out pretty well*. I'm just trying to do the same.

This shit just makes me want to say fuck it and enroll in one of those fancy-schmancy joint MBA/JD programs so that I won't have to continually justify myself, and people can finally shut up about my major.

TL;DR: Sarah whines about her degree; abuses question marks.

*This is a bit of an understatement. I love you, Mom.
Warning: Teen Angst!  )

...hah. Glad that's out.
the holidays are so stressful. *headwall* )
... that sounds rather depressing, so here, have a Merlin rec I've been meaning to get to for ages!
It's by [livejournal.com profile] moonythestrals and it's the FRATBOY!ARTHUR AU

Take a moment to read that again.


So you kind of already know it's going to be epic in the most epic way possible. I don't think any description of mine can possibly do it justice, so here, have the summary: "Arthur, Merlin, frat brothers, the Dragon, Arthur's BlackBerry, script writing, shitty hip-hop music, Dogma, FATE & DESTINY - oh God I wish I were joking."

It is EPIC AWESOME, and EXTREMELY HILARIOUS and it has a sort of sequel that is all sorts of brilliance.
... Click it. You know you want to.



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