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bitchy_merlinHoller and to all those who celebrate it, merry Christmas Eve eve! :D December 24th was always my favourite day of the year, for a whole host of reasons. Not only do we get to hang out with the "German" relatives*, but we get turkey with Dad's mashed potatoes**, Oma's cookies for dessert, presents from the relatives, and, best of all, we get the breathless anticipation of knowing that if we're good, Santa will come overnight and leave presents under the Christmas tree.*** The waiting is half the reward, TBH. Not being little anymore is a bit saddening this time of year, but the other perks make up for it. Mostly.
Um, but this post is mainly to ask a question! I know this journal gets minimal traffic at best, but I would really appreciate your answers! The question is basically this: how do you deal with people when you're upset with them?
I am trying to stay afloat in the rapids of teenage emotion, but if we're running with the metaphor, I'm sans lifejacket and I don't know how to swim. I'm currently feeling a potent mix of upset, hurt and angry in regards to certain people whom I really cannot afford to be angry at right now because it is going to impact things down the line, probably in a bad way. I really don't like being angry with these people. In fact, I would really just love to hang out and have fun like we should be. Unfortunately, without going into specifics, I can only say that I'm really afraid of my own emotions at the moment and I fear that if we were to be in the same room together, I would act in an immature and brutish way, and it would be painful for everyone involved. I also feel like I don't have a right to be upset at these people, because, ok, it's not like I've been wronged by them in any way... but it feels like I have, which is the weird part. I'm side-tracked constantly by doubt: ok, they haven't done anything overtly wrong... is it me? It's my fault, then? Logically, I don't really have anything to be upset about, and I should just put on my big girl panties and deal with it, but I don't trust myself to be grownup about this.
So, I've been avoiding them. Not to ridiculous lengths, not obsessively... but there are things I'm repressing, things I'm not letting myself think about, and I'm sure as hell not going to be the one who says "Hey, let's hang out". I hate having to censor and physically distance myself, but it's better that I sit down and shut the fuck up and make angsty posts on LJ than go spewing ~*~emoshuns~*~ everywhere IRL where they could do real damage.
Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could open myself up, tear open the skin and the muscles, rip the connective tissue that holds the organs in place; I wish I could delve inside myself and rip out all the messy, sticky, dark emotions, mash them into a ball and then throw that mess away. Life would just be so much neater. :/ You know those "Help! I'm trapped in [X's] body!" stories? IDK, they were really popular when I was in, like, grade three, and now I feel like I'm living one. Help! I'm trapped in the mental state of an emotionally-stunted fourteen year old! And I can't get out! (The social anxiety, however, is entirely mine.)
Anyway, tl;dr (kudos if you made it through that without giving up in disgust/throwing stuff at the screen btw), HOW DO PEOPLE DEAL WITH OTHER PEOPLE IN A MATURE FASHION ARRRGH?
*I have mentally divided my extended family into two sides. My dad's side, consisting of my Oma, my uncle and aunt, and my COUSINS!!!!1, I call the "Germans". My mom's side, consisting of... everyone else (grandparents, uncles, aunts, second-cousins, great-uncles/aunts, third/fourth-degree relatives, etc. etc.) are, collectively, the "Asians". TURRIBLE STEREOTYPING IS TERRIBLE. Sit here and watch me not give a shit.
** OM NOM NOM NOM.
***I still like to leave out milk and cookies.
Um, but this post is mainly to ask a question! I know this journal gets minimal traffic at best, but I would really appreciate your answers! The question is basically this: how do you deal with people when you're upset with them?
I am trying to stay afloat in the rapids of teenage emotion, but if we're running with the metaphor, I'm sans lifejacket and I don't know how to swim. I'm currently feeling a potent mix of upset, hurt and angry in regards to certain people whom I really cannot afford to be angry at right now because it is going to impact things down the line, probably in a bad way. I really don't like being angry with these people. In fact, I would really just love to hang out and have fun like we should be. Unfortunately, without going into specifics, I can only say that I'm really afraid of my own emotions at the moment and I fear that if we were to be in the same room together, I would act in an immature and brutish way, and it would be painful for everyone involved. I also feel like I don't have a right to be upset at these people, because, ok, it's not like I've been wronged by them in any way... but it feels like I have, which is the weird part. I'm side-tracked constantly by doubt: ok, they haven't done anything overtly wrong... is it me? It's my fault, then? Logically, I don't really have anything to be upset about, and I should just put on my big girl panties and deal with it, but I don't trust myself to be grownup about this.
So, I've been avoiding them. Not to ridiculous lengths, not obsessively... but there are things I'm repressing, things I'm not letting myself think about, and I'm sure as hell not going to be the one who says "Hey, let's hang out". I hate having to censor and physically distance myself, but it's better that I sit down and shut the fuck up and make angsty posts on LJ than go spewing ~*~emoshuns~*~ everywhere IRL where they could do real damage.
Ugh. Sometimes I wish I could open myself up, tear open the skin and the muscles, rip the connective tissue that holds the organs in place; I wish I could delve inside myself and rip out all the messy, sticky, dark emotions, mash them into a ball and then throw that mess away. Life would just be so much neater. :/ You know those "Help! I'm trapped in [X's] body!" stories? IDK, they were really popular when I was in, like, grade three, and now I feel like I'm living one. Help! I'm trapped in the mental state of an emotionally-stunted fourteen year old! And I can't get out! (The social anxiety, however, is entirely mine.)
Anyway, tl;dr (kudos if you made it through that without giving up in disgust/throwing stuff at the screen btw), HOW DO PEOPLE DEAL WITH OTHER PEOPLE IN A MATURE FASHION ARRRGH?
*I have mentally divided my extended family into two sides. My dad's side, consisting of my Oma, my uncle and aunt, and my COUSINS!!!!1, I call the "Germans". My mom's side, consisting of... everyone else (grandparents, uncles, aunts, second-cousins, great-uncles/aunts, third/fourth-degree relatives, etc. etc.) are, collectively, the "Asians". TURRIBLE STEREOTYPING IS TERRIBLE. Sit here and watch me not give a shit.
** OM NOM NOM NOM.
***I still like to leave out milk and cookies.
