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bitchy_merlinI’m not tired.
I keep telling myself that I am, but really I’m not. It’s not exhaustion or anything that’s holding me back. It’s fear. I’m so tired is just a convenient excuse that I take advantage of too often and I wish I didn’t. I keep trying to reason with myself, to try and talk myself out of it, but logic doesn’t work well with me. It fails.
I’m afraid of failure; that’s why I’ve stopped trying new things and started to just exist mindlessly. I’m not excited for things I used to like. I’m sacred of Spring Training because what if I’m too unfit to do anything? I’m beyond terrified for rugby tryouts this year, because what if I don’t make the team? I’ll be a failure. And that’s just the tips of the iceberg. My writing? While I’ve never exactly been what you’d call prolific, sure there have been pieces I’m proud of. As of lately? I feel like I have no talent whatsoever, and that I don’t even deserve to write fic, for God’s sake, because of it. Yeah. Don’t worry, it gets even more pathetic. I’m now actually reluctant to actively search for a summer job because what if I fail to get called back for an interview? Fuck.
Sometimes I get angry at the fear, but instead of helping my productivity, the anger simply gets reflected by the fear and ricochets back at me. So I spend my days fluctuating between paralyzing fear and bitter self-loathing, and then there're the flashes of why the heck am I even alive all I do is waste my parents' time and money, and I’m just SO SICK OF IT.
Haha, my life has irony in it! Dr. Prior, aren’t you proud? My fear of being a failure has resulted in my being more of one than ever!
...hah. Glad that's out.
I keep telling myself that I am, but really I’m not. It’s not exhaustion or anything that’s holding me back. It’s fear. I’m so tired is just a convenient excuse that I take advantage of too often and I wish I didn’t. I keep trying to reason with myself, to try and talk myself out of it, but logic doesn’t work well with me. It fails.
I’m afraid of failure; that’s why I’ve stopped trying new things and started to just exist mindlessly. I’m not excited for things I used to like. I’m sacred of Spring Training because what if I’m too unfit to do anything? I’m beyond terrified for rugby tryouts this year, because what if I don’t make the team? I’ll be a failure. And that’s just the tips of the iceberg. My writing? While I’ve never exactly been what you’d call prolific, sure there have been pieces I’m proud of. As of lately? I feel like I have no talent whatsoever, and that I don’t even deserve to write fic, for God’s sake, because of it. Yeah. Don’t worry, it gets even more pathetic. I’m now actually reluctant to actively search for a summer job because what if I fail to get called back for an interview? Fuck.
Sometimes I get angry at the fear, but instead of helping my productivity, the anger simply gets reflected by the fear and ricochets back at me. So I spend my days fluctuating between paralyzing fear and bitter self-loathing, and then there're the flashes of why the heck am I even alive all I do is waste my parents' time and money, and I’m just SO SICK OF IT.
Haha, my life has irony in it! Dr. Prior, aren’t you proud? My fear of being a failure has resulted in my being more of one than ever!
...hah. Glad that's out.
