Contradictio in Terminis

I want to be back. I want to be back in a little house in Finland, one floor and a basement. I want to be back with the whitewashed walls and the creaky floor and the dimly lit bathroom. I want to poke my head in the cramped laundry room, pass by the candles in the window on the way to the shower. I want to run laps around that neighbourhood, watch Eurovision in the living room, eat breakfast in the kitchen.

But more than that, I want to be who I was with the people I was with. (Well, mostly. Maybe I don't really want to relive the anorexia.) Maybe I'm building it up and it wasn't really heaven. It was just the closest I've ever gotten.

But to talk the way I talked and to laugh the way I laughed there. I want it so badly my bones ache. 

remember when the only purpose of our days was to live them together, remember when we laughed and cried and loved in our best moments

i remember you and your warmth and the kindness of your spirit, giving me the courage to be someone i never thought i could; i was centre-stage, i was the prima ballerina, and it was all thanks to you and the particular shade of your smile, the colour of your eyes, fluttering like the wind

i remember the grey days and rainy nights that weren't ever that bad because we were together and we had each other through all of it, and i can honestly say i was never homesick because i had you and i made my home in your heart

your heart is a beautiful place

A Great Summary of My Life:

I am the most awkward human being to ever awkward and I don't know what I want but I'm trying to awkward and it's just not working because I'm too awkward to awkward and I JUST HAVE TOO MANY FEELS. And too much awkward.
(God, it's a good thing typing an LJ post looks cooler than writing in a diary.)

What Would [name redacted] Do?

Theoretically, the worst he can do is say "no"...
And if he says that, it's not like I'll ever see him again...
So, theoretically, no harm, no foul...
Too bad I can't convince myself of this.