T-49 minutes

[bitchy_merlin]

Liveblogging from the Schiphol Airport bathrooms cause it doesn't get much classier than this. (I just spent the night not getting a wink of sleep on the selfsame tile floors... #firstclass)

I am leaving for Canada in one hour. I still can't even deal with this, and I've spent the whole damn night contemplating it. I don't want things to go back to the way they were when I left. I don't want to return to being bitter and rigid and ashamed. I've learned so much, it would be beyond cruel to negate that now.

AND THESE FEELS. I never knew what it felt like to miss someone before. Now? ALL OF ALBERTINE, COME BACK TO ME. I seriously thought my heart would stop beating when I said goodbye to Hanna last night at Amsterdam Centraal. I'm going to die! I gasped into her ear as we hugged desperately on the platform. I couldn't think of anything else to say; that was the honest truth. I really felt like I might perish of grief. I've never felt that way before, not even when I left for Kingston for the first time and had to say goodbye to Chloe and Michelle. It was - it still is - a physical ache, and my mind is swamped with vertigo. The notion that I won't see Hanna for who knows how long... it just does not compute.

When I left Pavol after Queen's Day, I felt as if I were being smacked in the face repeatedly with a giant fish. When Hanna and I parted, I thought maybe my heart would just fall out of my chest: here, take it, I don't need it anymore.

Oh, I can't believe I'm going back! I don't know what to think! For the past two nights, while I was in Izmir with Gokcen, I had nightmares about today. I kept dreaming about just... not getting on the plane. I physically couldn't make myself do it.

I could really go for some unanesthetized cardiectomy right now. It would surely be the kinder option. The worst part of friendship is goodbye.