Contradictio in Terminis

This post is in two parts.

The first part is: it’s Friday! The week is over and it’s a long weekend; I got paid today and practiced Intense self-care. I had a bath (!!) and exfoliated and moisturized (even my feet omg) and had tasty food and it was very soothing. Hooray for good things.

The second part is: Fuck this, i am fucking d o n e. I am done. Holy fuck this is why I never care about people, I fucking hate caring about people, I am not meant for relationships because I can’t fucking handle caring about a person without hurting them I just get so angry and volatile and I pull away in some fucking weird effort to protect the other person, like, I can’t make you 100% happy so I am going to fucking leave, like what the fuck kind of black and white thinking is that even?

Am I okay at reading minds? Am i getting better at letting you do your own thing. Does any of this make sense, do you even fucking like me, god knows i can’t stand myself right now. You deserve better and I. Don’t. Want. To. Hurt. You. but hurting people is all I’ve ever really been good at, and there’s something about the way the blood pulses just below the surface of the skin that I can’t break away from.

Once I was in grade 7 and one of the grade 8 boys was talking to me and he said: “It has to be all or nothing. Either I get an A or I fail completely, but I don’t do anything in between.” And back then, I remember being perplexed by that. What kind of logic would make you raze yourself to the ground just because you couldn’t reach the sky? Funny how life gives us the answers to questions we didn’t even know to ask. Because now I get it, now I’m like that too. It’s not logic. It’s an aching fire twisting in your heart, saying death before dishonour, saying if you pour the oil and light the match and burn us all alive - at least you’re in control.

All our ashes look the same in the hollow dawn.