[personal profile] bitchy_merlin

I still haven't decided whether this post is going on livejournal or tumblr, so we'll keep it here for now. Long time, eh? *looks around* This place is dusty!

But aight, so on to the actual post. (With the preface that it's a bit hard to write this at the moment because I don't know where all my energy's gone but it fuckin went. Which may have something to do with the fact that I've been up since 4:30am or the fact that I've barely had any coffee today - but I'm really cozy in my bed right now with a mug of tea and my sweatpants on, so. Still good things.)

Basically, although right now I feel like the undead, objectively things are - things are alright. Things are good. I've got a job and I'm making enough to pay the bills and I've saved up enough these past three years to take me to Europe in December - which is fucking awesome! I'm very happy and thankful for all of that.

I feel lost. I feel like I've been walking in the dark, holding onto a thread and following its path - but now the thread seems to be peetering out and I'm still as directionless as I was when I first latched onto it. I'm not in the same place I was, but I am still in the dark, and I'd hoped to find a path by now.

The thing is, Europe is coming up. Which is still fucking incredible to me and I'm beyond stoked for it. Literally this morning I thought about the trip and I started grinning madly to myself because I'll be breathing air in Europe! It's just - this is it, this is the thing I've been looking forward to for ages and I'm not entirely prepared for what comes after. (I'm not prepared for the trip itself either, but that's a whole other post in itself). Realistically, "what comes after" is that I get on the plane and head back to Toronto and then back to Kingston and work picks up again in January and I continue living in Kingston etc...

But for how long? It's alright here, I guess. The house is fine and my housemates are wonderful and it's good for me to live with them because there's always someone to talk to when I need to get out of my head. My job is - my job is really good, my boss is kind and understanding and I still haven't been fired. So why do I feel like this place isn't for me? I don't want to stay in Kingston, not longer than I have to (Kim's wedding is in August, though, so I've gotta do it at least until then!). I want to get out and move back to Toronto or just say 'fuck it' and move somewhere else entirely.

I really do think I want to go back to school. I don't miss the stress or the deadlines or the financial drain at all, but I think I want to study again and more than that, to be part of a community. (And then the bitter, acerbic part of me says those are stupid reasons to want to go to school and why can't I just be happy with what I have and to that I reply, I want a job with benefits thank you very much). I want another chance to meet people and make friends and do stuff and feel like life is exciting again.

The problem is, I have no effing clue what I'd want to study or where I'd want to do it. And I don't want to invest so much money in a program that doesn't suit me. (I also don't know if I even meet the requirements for any programs??) Part of me says I should go abroad to study but I'm not sure about that. I've been fixating on certain aspects of my life and if I were to go abroad, I'd want it to be something I did because I wanted the whole experience and not just as a means to an end.

I think part of the reason I'm still in Kingston is because I'm terrified that if I leave this job, I'm never going to find another one, and the last time I was simultaneously out of school and unemployed, things Did Not End Well and I would just. Really like to avoid that if at all possible.

Thinking about timelines, if I wanted to start somewhere in September, the earliest I could make that happen is 2016 (I may be wrong but this is tentative). So maybe I can say my goal for right now is to find some places to apply for next year. (Wow, can you believe I got all that out of talking to myself train-of-thought style on LJ? Fucking amazing.).

...Wow no I actually feel kind of better about things. Still vaguely freaking out but one step at a time. We can do this.

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