[personal profile] bitchy_merlin
#notadate2k15 #butlikeafriendshipdate


today I got up at buttfuck am to cram for my Intro exam (which, wtf was that even o god) and then headed downtown to Meet People and Be Social by which I mean this person S and I matched on tinder and had been texting back and forth all week and we’d agreed to meet up today. I did the thing! I wasn’t even suuuper anxious about meeting a relative stranger; and S turned out to be rly sweet and invited me to her bf’s birthday later this month ????? Which who knows, maybe I’ll even go to. We spent like two hours talking and walking around the Eaton Centre and I’m like??? Rly rly proud of myself for doing the thing, cause like. When have I ever been in a headspace where I felt confident and capable enough to go out and meet people without friends as a buffer zone? Basically never, that’s when. But today I did it, and I just had to write it down here for posterity and as a reminder to myself that I Can Be Social.

After we parted ways, I ate a sandwich (!!!!!!!!!! still proud of myself every time I do sth like this without beating myself up about it. I ate all of it, it was fucking delicious) and then headed to kickboxing with E. And now I’m home, in sweatpants, putting off studying for my next exam.

+++

I've been super sad about Hayley lately, like this awful, bone-crushing despair, and I don't know where it comes from but I feel like I'm not being great at dealing with it? But I just. Does she love me, does she love me, did she ever fucking love me or just the version of me that I tried to put forward? Would she love me? Does she love me?

That's basically my thought process for the last week or so, and I'm not quite sure where to go from here. I get so frustrated with myself sometimes. I want to be over her; I never want to be over her. I don't know what I want, except I want this constant hollow pain to stop.

But of course the heart moves at its own pace (mine moves not at all apparently). I'm trying to be patient with myself.

Christmas lights are up in the neighbourhood and I keep wishing I could send her pictures because they're really beautiful.

Grandpa's not going to be here this year. I miss you, Grandpa. I miss you every day. I'm gonna drink hot chocolate with marshmallows for you. I still remember our times at Blue Mountain. Doing puzzles, eating french fries, loading our hot chocolate with marshmallows, racing down the slopes. I remember how you had a different ski suit for every day of the week. I remember the i-zig-a-zumba-zumba-zumba-i-zig-a-zumba-zumba-za song you used to sing going up the chairlift. I remember always knowing which skier was you by the slalom curve of your turns. I miss you Grandpa, and I love you, and I hope you're in a better place now. <3


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bitchy_merlin

March 2017

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