this was HILARIOUS to do.
Aug. 7th, 2008 11:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bitchy_merlinLadies and Gents, for your pleasure, I present:
CRACK. Or something like it.
Me,moonangelchan and music_est_vita were in Google Docs, looking at a brilliant fic in the works... this is the result.
NOTES: the fic involved Gellert Grindelwald and Albus Dumbledore, both young (that three month period when they met).
I invite you to (hopefully) enjoy this, if you can stand the formatting.
This is a lengthly excerpt from our googledocs!conversation.
PS HAVE YOU SEEN THE HOUSE S5 PROMO TRAILER? THEY SHOULD JUST COME OUT AND FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY!! OMFG. I LOVE THIS SHOW.
CRACK. Or something like it.
Me,
moonangelchan and music_est_vita were in Google Docs, looking at a brilliant fic in the works... this is the result. NOTES: the fic involved Gellert Grindelwald and Albus Dumbledore, both young (that three month period when they met).
I invite you to (hopefully) enjoy this, if you can stand the formatting.
This is a lengthly excerpt from our googledocs!conversation.
LOL @ mental image of Grindelwald delivering bread like Little Red Riding Hood. Why is the image of a sheepish dogboy Remus Lupin appearing along with the image?
WTF your brain. Is random. Ahahahaha, RL as the Wolf, I loves it.
Then Sirius comes along -a dog boy as well- and harasses Gellert. Remus is all embarrassed. Gellert and Sirius are all like *snark*. *Me: alksdrfa;wejra;se this is going to tip off my inner R/S shipper.*
Snape is there all dolled in the typical old women clothing of yore. The "big bad wolfs" are like....WTF
Gellert is adopted.
Gellert is now supposed to live with his grandmother, Snape, because his parents are being OMG oppressive. "Gellert Grindelwald, you are not marrying that HIPPIE whathisname Albus bumfuck Dumbledore!"
*faceplam* Snape as grandmother, I can't even.
In some way the Lestrange-Snape were a progressive bunch.
Bellatrix: ADOPTION and Severus I don't care, I have the PANTS in this relationship! Bella WEARS the pants.
R and S are like, Are you for realz. Gellert is just nodding sagely. AND SUDDENLY
LOGGER ALBUS BUMFUCK DUMBLEDORE COMES OUT OF THE LEFT FIELD. He actually runs through the wall. TO SAVE HIS BELOVED. *shines with the AXE*
Snape: you want to be his boyfriend why exactly?
Gellert: STFU he has his merits.
IN THE END THEY ALL HAVE SEX. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SNAPE WHO IS LIKE "WHAT ARE YOU DOING. NOT IN MY HOUSEHOLD. I'M GOING TO FIND EDWARD CULLEN AND MAKE A SCRAPBOOK PROJECT WITH HIM BECAUSE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!"
Edward is all: I'm sorry Bella, but I have found someone else. He understands MY PAIN and MY LOVE FOR SCRAP BOOKING. and certain cleaning products.
Gellert: and this is coming from the man who thinks my choices in partners is lacking. At least Albus doesn't sparkle in the sunlight. ALSO, HE IS INTELLIGENT. AND HE WOULDN'T NAME OUR BABY RENESMEE.
SNAPE To Gellert: SILENCE, YOU INFIDEL.
CEDRIC EDWARD: SNAPE APPRECIATES MY STALKAGE ME FOR MY SPARKLINESS WHO I AM INSIDE. UNLIKE CERTAIN OTHERS I COULD NAME, EMETT.
Gellert: From what you told he sounds like a cold statue. Wait, ARE YOU DATING A MARBLE DILDO. HOLY SHIT, YOU ARE DATING A MARBLE SEXTOY THAT SPARKLES!!!
Gellert: Who the fuck is Emmert (I can't spell it too). Stalkering is totally not cool.
Snape: ... *ETA: at this point, I died*
Albus to Gellert: Mr. Cullen looks familiar. The hair, that face, those eyebrows . . . it reminds me of that young Cedric Diggory.
Gellert: YOU'RE DATING AN UNDERAGE PIECE OF ASS!!! * >.< at the hypocritical opression*
Edward: EXCUSE ME. I AM OVER ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW. DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOUR CEDRIC DIGGORY. JUST BECAUSE *SOME* OF US ARE FABULOUSLY BEAUTIFUL -
Gellert. Fine, my mistake. YOU CRADLE ROBBER!!! HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS UNFORTUNANT . . .
Snape: *glares*
Gellert: - OLD MAID WHO HAPPENS TO BE MY ADOPTED GRANDMOTHER
Edward: O.O S- Severus?! What?
Snape: *mutters underneath breath* damnn you Bellatrix
Edward: *mishears* YOU KNOW BELLA SWAN *interrobangs*
Edward: SEVERUS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST BELLA? I KNOW SHE WAS THE OTHER CONTESTANT FOR MYSPARKLES AFFECTIONS, BUT REALLY.
SNAPE: What are you speaking about man?
Remus and Sirius: *quietly leaveto shag*
Edward: *angerly sparkles* *AHAHA I SHALL SPARKLE AT YOU, INFIDEL! BEWARE!* Bella is a nice affectionate girl -albeit with a tendancy to be clumsy, -
Snape: Inordinately suicidal, more like.
EDWARD: - NOW, LOOK, THAT'S EXCATLY THE NEGATIVE OUTLOOK THAT LEADS TO THESE MISUNDERSTANDINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE -
Bella: Edward my cold Adonis. Why have you left me?-
Edward: *gasp* Bella!!! - Because you wont dance with me.
Edward: Bella, look, you musn't get upset over these things - it's not your fault YOU COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND MEAND MY MAN!PAIN
Bella: But I love you! I love your sparkles!
Edward: Bella, you can't handleTHE TRUTH MY MANPAIN THE TYPE OF MONSTER I AM INSIDE! THAT IS WHY I HAD TO GO TO SEVERUS, DON'T YOU SEE? Also, he cries less. Marginally.
Gellert: *facepalms* this reads like on your romance novels Albus.
Albus: What do you mean my romance novels? Last time I checked I got them from my BF.. *looks in Gellerts general direction*
Gellert: *eyes shift* Albus, I believe you are mistaken.
Albus: now, Gellert, there's nothing wrong with a nice bit of recreationalporn romantic literature. Why, there was this one scene in - oh, what was it? Smart and Sexy ? It involved a feather and some Lemon Drops.
Gellert: Not all of them are mine! And I thought you didn't like candy?
Albus: *cheerfully* Oh, I believe I could be convinced otherwise.
(a vampire: *********
*******************
*************************)
Albus: I am so confused.
Gellert: WORD.
Snape is reconsidering this union: What did I see in you!
Snape's status has changed from In A Relationship to It's Complicated. (bahdfiadfviahd) heh.
Edward: Severus! You're breaking up with me over *Facebook*?! Why? I thought I meant more to you than that! I thought we had an understanding! Do you have any idea of what it's like to check your profile and find out that YOUR LOVER HAS DUMPED YOU?!
*sparkles flounces off to mope angrily/lock himself in his room with Evanescence and his scrapbooks (which he won't ever throw out, btw, because they remind him of WHAT HE LOST)*
Snape's status has changed from It's Complicated to Single.
Bella *faints*
Snape: I would imagine that its very hurtful, and that was the idea, Mr Cullen. *looks down his nose at edward*
Albus to Gellert: this reminds me of this lovely little program on the television I happen to catch one morning while you were out. As the Kitchen Sinks? I almost expect that some outrageous plot point will befall upon us.
Gellert: Truthfully, I think it's too late.
Albus: Also Gellert . . . I have to tell you something
GG: !
Albus: I'm pregnant.
Snape: HE"S PREGNANT! I thought we brought you up better than this.
Gellert: Bellatrix Lestrange was my other parent.
Edward: Why can't I be pregnant?! (sparkles brightly)
Gellert: BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD AND INFERTILE!
Edward: Snape can you make a potion for that?
Snape: Why should I help my ex? Besides, who would want to father your children.
Edward: Ok, but aside from that? Being dead I mean.
Bella: Oh Edward, does this mean we can be together again? Take me now, my glitter prince. I WILL BE THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN!!!
EVEN IF THEY EAT THEIR WAY OUT OF MY STOMACH! I DONT CARE! I LOVE YOU!
Albus: It's true love right there.
Gellert: Truly if one is willing to put up with that horrific nonsense.
Edward: But I love snape! I want to sparkle with snape for the rest of my life! Also, how are you pregnant anyway, Albus?
Albus: A wizard did it. *leers*
Gellert: *glares*
Albus: You see, dear boy, when two people love eachother very much...
Status Update:Snape is how could I have loved you?
Status Update:Snape is not wanting to know where this is going.
Gellert: They fuck and babies come out.
Albus: That's not anatomically correct in all cases Gellert.
Status Update:Snape is Gellert, it's called tact, man.
Status Update:Bella is EDWARD, LOOOOVE ME.
Edward: But you fucked me snape! THERE ARE NO BABIES!
Snape: THERE WAS PROTECTION INVOLVED. DO YOU THINK I NEED ANOTHER SPROG!!!!
Edward :Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!
Snape: *facepalm* Albus, why must you give this boy ideas?Gellert is offended.
Albus: I did nothing of the sort, it was all Gellet.
Status Update: Albus is pregnant and hormonal.
Status Update: Edward is YAYZ FOR GAYZ.
Status Update: Bella is angsting now: Wry don't you love me anymore!
Gellert: Albus, you're slipping if that's the only denial you can come up with. Even if you are pregnant and hormonal.
Albus: You were the one who mentions "fucking". I was talking about love. Edward would have realized Snape didn't love him and therefore they could not have babies. its ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU MEN DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE! *flounces*
Snape: *raises Eyebrow* Flouncing while pregnant: impressive, Albus. *to Edward* This is why we use protection. Or rather, we used to use protection.
Edward: I'll be your uke forever! Please! I wub you!
Edward: BUt- but, how are we supposed to understand the beauty of BABIES if we use contraceptives?
Snape: There's nothing beautiful about a creature that gnaws its way out of the womb!!! Furthermore, the very idea of sparkling ass!babies is a revolting one, and shoud be discouraged violently.
Edward: HOW DARE YOU CALL OUR -hypothetical- CHILDREN REVOLTING!!!
Snape: HOW DARE YOU ASSUME THAT I WOULD - hypothetically - BE WILLING TO HAVE CHILDREN WITH YOU?!
AND FURTHERMORE, I OBJECT TO YOUR BLATANT OBJECTIFICATION OF MY BODY AS A - hypothetical - BABY-MAKING MACHINE!
Snape: What children? You are being delusional.
Status Update: Snape is men are idiots.
Status Update: Edward is babies are CUTE.
Edward: I am not!
Snape: Are too!
Edward: Not!
Snape:To!
Edward: Not!
Snape:To!
Edward: Not!
Snape:Not!
Edward: To!
Snape: I WIN! you are delusional
Albus: Oh, dear...
Gellert: Well, I see you've calmed down now.
Albus: Compared to them; I have always been calm.
Gellert: I should probably consider that statement truly frightening.
FIN (for now)
WTF your brain. Is random. Ahahahaha, RL as the Wolf, I loves it.
Then Sirius comes along -a dog boy as well- and harasses Gellert. Remus is all embarrassed. Gellert and Sirius are all like *snark*. *Me: alksdrfa;wejra;se this is going to tip off my inner R/S shipper.*
Snape is there all dolled in the typical old women clothing of yore. The "big bad wolfs" are like....WTF
Gellert is adopted.
Gellert is now supposed to live with his grandmother, Snape, because his parents are being OMG oppressive. "Gellert Grindelwald, you are not marrying that HIPPIE whathisname Albus bumfuck Dumbledore!"
*faceplam* Snape as grandmother, I can't even.
In some way the Lestrange-Snape were a progressive bunch.
Bellatrix: ADOPTION and Severus I don't care, I have the PANTS in this relationship! Bella WEARS the pants.
R and S are like, Are you for realz. Gellert is just nodding sagely. AND SUDDENLY
LOGGER ALBUS BUMFUCK DUMBLEDORE COMES OUT OF THE LEFT FIELD. He actually runs through the wall. TO SAVE HIS BELOVED. *shines with the AXE*
Snape: you want to be his boyfriend why exactly?
Gellert: STFU he has his merits.
IN THE END THEY ALL HAVE SEX. WITH THE EXCEPTION OF SNAPE WHO IS LIKE "WHAT ARE YOU DOING. NOT IN MY HOUSEHOLD. I'M GOING TO FIND EDWARD CULLEN AND MAKE A SCRAPBOOK PROJECT WITH HIM BECAUSE NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME!"
Edward is all: I'm sorry Bella, but I have found someone else. He understands MY PAIN and MY LOVE FOR SCRAP BOOKING. and certain cleaning products.
Gellert: and this is coming from the man who thinks my choices in partners is lacking. At least Albus doesn't sparkle in the sunlight. ALSO, HE IS INTELLIGENT. AND HE WOULDN'T NAME OUR BABY RENESMEE.
SNAPE To Gellert: SILENCE, YOU INFIDEL.
Gellert: From what you told he sounds like a cold statue. Wait, ARE YOU DATING A MARBLE DILDO. HOLY SHIT, YOU ARE DATING A MARBLE SEXTOY THAT SPARKLES!!!
Gellert: Who the fuck is Emmert (I can't spell it too). Stalkering is totally not cool.
Snape: ... *ETA: at this point, I died*
Albus to Gellert: Mr. Cullen looks familiar. The hair, that face, those eyebrows . . . it reminds me of that young Cedric Diggory.
Gellert: YOU'RE DATING AN UNDERAGE PIECE OF ASS!!! * >.< at the hypocritical opression*
Edward: EXCUSE ME. I AM OVER ONE HUNDRED YEARS OLD, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW. DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. I'VE NEVER HEARD OF YOUR CEDRIC DIGGORY. JUST BECAUSE *SOME* OF US ARE FABULOUSLY BEAUTIFUL -
Gellert. Fine, my mistake. YOU CRADLE ROBBER!!! HOW DARE YOU TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THIS UNFORTUNANT . . .
Snape: *glares*
Gellert: - OLD MAID WHO HAPPENS TO BE MY ADOPTED GRANDMOTHER
Edward: O.O S- Severus?! What?
Snape: *mutters underneath breath* damnn you Bellatrix
Edward: *mishears* YOU KNOW BELLA SWAN *interrobangs*
Edward: SEVERUS. I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. WHAT DO YOU HAVE AGAINST BELLA? I KNOW SHE WAS THE OTHER CONTESTANT FOR MY
SNAPE: What are you speaking about man?
Remus and Sirius: *quietly leave
Edward: *angerly sparkles* *AHAHA I SHALL SPARKLE AT YOU, INFIDEL! BEWARE!* Bella is a nice affectionate girl -albeit with a tendancy to be clumsy, -
Snape: Inordinately suicidal, more like.
EDWARD: - NOW, LOOK, THAT'S EXCATLY THE NEGATIVE OUTLOOK THAT LEADS TO THESE MISUNDERSTANDINGS IN THE FIRST PLACE -
Bella: Edward my cold Adonis. Why have you left me?-
Edward: *gasp* Bella!!! - Because you wont dance with me.
Edward: Bella, look, you musn't get upset over these things - it's not your fault YOU COULD NEVER UNDERSTAND ME
Bella: But I love you! I love your sparkles!
Edward: Bella, you can't handle
Gellert: *facepalms* this reads like on your romance novels Albus.
Albus: What do you mean my romance novels? Last time I checked I got them from my BF.. *looks in Gellerts general direction*
Gellert: *eyes shift* Albus, I believe you are mistaken.
Albus: now, Gellert, there's nothing wrong with a nice bit of recreational
Gellert: Not all of them are mine! And I thought you didn't like candy?
Albus: *cheerfully* Oh, I believe I could be convinced otherwise.
(a vampire: *********
*******************
*************************)
Albus: I am so confused.
Gellert: WORD.
Snape is reconsidering this union: What did I see in you!
Snape's status has changed from In A Relationship to It's Complicated. (bahdfiadfviahd) heh.
Edward: Severus! You're breaking up with me over *Facebook*?! Why? I thought I meant more to you than that! I thought we had an understanding! Do you have any idea of what it's like to check your profile and find out that YOUR LOVER HAS DUMPED YOU?!
*
Snape's status has changed from It's Complicated to Single.
Bella *faints*
Snape: I would imagine that its very hurtful, and that was the idea, Mr Cullen. *looks down his nose at edward*
Albus to Gellert: this reminds me of this lovely little program on the television I happen to catch one morning while you were out. As the Kitchen Sinks? I almost expect that some outrageous plot point will befall upon us.
Gellert: Truthfully, I think it's too late.
Albus: Also Gellert . . . I have to tell you something
GG: !
Albus: I'm pregnant.
Snape: HE"S PREGNANT! I thought we brought you up better than this.
Gellert: Bellatrix Lestrange was my other parent.
Edward: Why can't I be pregnant?! (sparkles brightly)
Gellert: BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD AND INFERTILE!
Edward: Snape can you make a potion for that?
Snape: Why should I help my ex? Besides, who would want to father your children.
Edward: Ok, but aside from that? Being dead I mean.
Bella: Oh Edward, does this mean we can be together again? Take me now, my glitter prince. I WILL BE THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN!!!
EVEN IF THEY EAT THEIR WAY OUT OF MY STOMACH! I DONT CARE! I LOVE YOU!
Albus: It's true love right there.
Gellert: Truly if one is willing to put up with that horrific nonsense.
Edward: But I love snape! I want to sparkle with snape for the rest of my life! Also, how are you pregnant anyway, Albus?
Albus: A wizard did it. *leers*
Gellert: *glares*
Albus: You see, dear boy, when two people love eachother very much...
Status Update:Snape is how could I have loved you?
Status Update:Snape is not wanting to know where this is going.
Gellert: They fuck and babies come out.
Albus: That's not anatomically correct in all cases Gellert.
Status Update:Snape is Gellert, it's called tact, man.
Status Update:Bella is EDWARD, LOOOOVE ME.
Edward: But you fucked me snape! THERE ARE NO BABIES!
Snape: THERE WAS PROTECTION INVOLVED. DO YOU THINK I NEED ANOTHER SPROG!!!!
Edward :
Albus: I did nothing of the sort, it was all Gellet.
Status Update: Albus is pregnant and hormonal.
Status Update: Edward is YAYZ FOR GAYZ.
Status Update: Bella is angsting now: Wry don't you love me anymore!
Gellert: Albus, you're slipping if that's the only denial you can come up with. Even if you are pregnant and hormonal.
Albus: You were the one who mentions "fucking". I was talking about love. Edward would have realized Snape didn't love him and therefore they could not have babies. its ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU MEN DON'T KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE! *flounces*
Snape: *raises Eyebrow* Flouncing while pregnant: impressive, Albus. *to Edward* This is why we use protection. Or rather, we used to use protection.
Edward: I'll be your uke forever! Please! I wub you!
Edward: BUt- but, how are we supposed to understand the beauty of BABIES if we use contraceptives?
Snape: There's nothing beautiful about a creature that gnaws its way out of the womb!!! Furthermore, the very idea of sparkling ass!babies is a revolting one, and shoud be discouraged violently.
Edward: HOW DARE YOU CALL OUR -hypothetical- CHILDREN REVOLTING!!!
Snape: HOW DARE YOU ASSUME THAT I WOULD - hypothetically - BE WILLING TO HAVE CHILDREN WITH YOU?!
AND FURTHERMORE, I OBJECT TO YOUR BLATANT OBJECTIFICATION OF MY BODY AS A - hypothetical - BABY-MAKING MACHINE!
Snape: What children? You are being delusional.
Status Update: Snape is men are idiots.
Status Update: Edward is babies are CUTE.
Edward: I am not!
Snape: Are too!
Edward: Not!
Snape:To!
Edward: Not!
Snape:To!
Edward: Not!
Snape:Not!
Edward: To!
Snape: I WIN! you are delusional
Albus: Oh, dear...
Gellert: Well, I see you've calmed down now.
Albus: Compared to them; I have always been calm.
Gellert: I should probably consider that statement truly frightening.
FIN (for now)
PS HAVE YOU SEEN THE HOUSE S5 PROMO TRAILER? THEY SHOULD JUST COME OUT AND FUCKING SAY IT ALREADY!! OMFG. I LOVE THIS SHOW.
