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Sep. 29th, 2013 08:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bitchy_merlini'm not even sad anymore, i'm just tired.
tired of living. tired of being unemployed. tired of having no direction. tired of being in this body. tired of being me. tired of being.
i have no motivation to do anything. not riding my bike, not singing and dancing, not coffee dates with friends, not researching grad schools, not applying for jobs... nothing. i don't want to do anything.
i'm tired of self-harm, i;m tired of trying again and again to be productive every day, i'm tired of hating my body, i'm tired of the brief moments when life is okay because it never stays that way
and who are we kidding, i'll never make it back to finland. i'll never see hanna or jamie or anyone from exchange again and even if i did what would it matter i'm so fat now no one will like me i'm such a downer
but i'm just. so. tired. i want to just give up. if i had a method right now that would kill me for sure 100%, i would use it, no questions asked. but i don't and my parents are coming to visit this week which means i am obligated to maintain bodily functions until thursday no matter how i may feel about it
and i'm debating talking about this at group but i'm just so tired of pretending like i give a shit and i don't want to waste anyone's time, i really don't, not the counselors, not my groupmates, and i think given long enough i might just get around to stopping the clock by myself
funny story: i'v enever been able to imagine my life past like 25-30. it's always been just a blank void to me. i honestly don't think i'll make it another decade without killing myself.
tired of living. tired of being unemployed. tired of having no direction. tired of being in this body. tired of being me. tired of being.
i have no motivation to do anything. not riding my bike, not singing and dancing, not coffee dates with friends, not researching grad schools, not applying for jobs... nothing. i don't want to do anything.
i'm tired of self-harm, i;m tired of trying again and again to be productive every day, i'm tired of hating my body, i'm tired of the brief moments when life is okay because it never stays that way
and who are we kidding, i'll never make it back to finland. i'll never see hanna or jamie or anyone from exchange again and even if i did what would it matter i'm so fat now no one will like me i'm such a downer
but i'm just. so. tired. i want to just give up. if i had a method right now that would kill me for sure 100%, i would use it, no questions asked. but i don't and my parents are coming to visit this week which means i am obligated to maintain bodily functions until thursday no matter how i may feel about it
and i'm debating talking about this at group but i'm just so tired of pretending like i give a shit and i don't want to waste anyone's time, i really don't, not the counselors, not my groupmates, and i think given long enough i might just get around to stopping the clock by myself
funny story: i'v enever been able to imagine my life past like 25-30. it's always been just a blank void to me. i honestly don't think i'll make it another decade without killing myself.
