[personal profile] bitchy_merlin
There are Don things. I should start exporting the feedback I get on my Weekly Logs, just to remind myself that at least my boss thinks I'm doing ok.



I've never been this far behind in academics. I have no idea what's going on in my stats course. I am clinging onto my thesis course by the skin of my teeth - and we're only at the proposal stage. I feel like I have no time for anything because my life is composed of only two facets: a) when can I eat and b) when can I go to the gym. I'm caught in the incessant push and pull between those two things, and my life is one-dimensional; there is nothing else in my existence except the struggle between pounds put on and calories burned. (Hint: it's not going well when is it ever going well).

I only have class three days a week, but I am honestly at the gym so much, it's pretty much a full-time job. I don't know how to get my work done. I've started prioritizing exercise over academics; I begged out of Monday's lab meeting early in order to go for a run (and it was only 5k, I'm slipping, I'm slipping god I'm so fat I'm so fat I'm so fat).

Looking at myself in the mirror freaks me out. Every conscious moment is painful because it is spent in this body. I hate my jeans; I hate my thighs; I hate myself. And I'm so scared. I don't know if this is going to work out. I'm so scared that I won't be able to function, and my thesis will be a failure and I won't be able to get into graduate schools... and I'll still be fat. I'm still on the waiting list to see this counselor and I can do it, I can, but each day is just. So. Much. Work.

I wonder if my thesis supervisor would understand if I explained my psychological distress... but when she interviewed me, I told her "I'm not afraid of hard work". And I don't want to be That Girl, who signs up for shit she can't handle and has to back out like a loser halfway through. I'm not afraid of hard work. I'm afraid of being fat and useless and I'm afraid of styaing like this horrible thing that I've become and I hate myself and I hate this and I want it all to stop! I'm not afraid  of this course, I'm afraid of the thoughts I've been having about bleach and razorblades, I'm afraid of the moments when cars come speeding toward me and I don't care, I'm afraid of the nights when I'm crying too hard to sleep and then panicking because I know I'll be too tired to exercise the next morning.

The amount of loathing I have for myself is sometimes utterly terrifying. I want to kill this thing. I hate me.

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bitchy_merlin

March 2017

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