the big-ass gym post that's been coming
Feb. 27th, 2008 09:33 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bitchy_merlinAh, fuck.
But whatever. It's done. It's over. Go away.
Today, February 27th, 2008 is a memorable day because as of 4:46 today, I am no longer a gymnast. Yeah. It's kind of surreal.
And by "kind of" I mean "spazz attack worthy".
But not the point. Here, have a story:
Today, after school, my mom drove me to gym to tell my coach I was officially quitting (I say officially because it had been about a month since I'd set foot in the gym). I got out of the car and I wasn't really thinking about anything. It was more kind of like I can't believe I'm really doing this. Am I really doing this? My feet took me to the gym door automatically. Ok, I guess I'm really doing this. I can't really describe how nervous I was. Ever get that feeling like your heart is working overtime and you feel a bit like you're going to possibly have a heart attack and die except not? That's what it felt like. Coach J was on the trampoline with the group. My mom caught his attention then headed off to speak to N about getting our money back. J walked over.
"Hello, Sarah," he said, except in that really joking way like he always does to all of us... did.
"Hi" I said.
"Sarah has something to tell you," said my mom, then left.
I hesitated.
"I'm not going to be angry at you," he said. "You know I'm never angry at you."
and then i told him. "Um, well, I've- I've been really busy with school and stuff lately... uh, and there are some extracurricular activities going on - we're getting a rugby team. And I haven't actually really been to gym in about two months..." That's how I started. I don't really remember the rest of the conversation, except that he commented about how I should do what made me happy and that I was old enough to think for myself.
Then he told me to come visit some time. Then he asked about my plans for March Break, and told me I should coach. I told him I'd think about it. Then I said goodbye and left.
I don't think I actually told him thank you for being one of the best coaches I've ever had. I'm an idiot.
And that was how I quit gym. Sure, I'll come visit for gymfest. Maybe.
But you want to know something? Too bad, I'm telling you anyway. When I talked with J about leaving, I was talking about leaving something I'd been doing for God-knows-howlong in my life. I was upset. No, I wasn't teary-eyed or anything. I guess I was pretty much how I always am. But I was upset. I am still upset. I was really upset, and I wanted J to maybe respond to that. Throughout the whole thing, all he did was stand there and look emotionless, or, like he didn't really care. I mean, I can't really blame him, since he technically doesn't have to even know I exist anymore, but still! I try not to be a drama queen IRL (not that you'd know it from reading this journal, but w/e) but for Christ's sake! Would it have been too much to ask for an acknowledgment of my two months of inner turmoil?! Was it too much to think that maybe J would miss having me in the group a little bit? Was it too much to hope that someone cared that I left a part of my fucking life behind today?!
Apparently it was.
Yes, I am glad I did it. I'm glad I don't have to wake up each day and bemoan the fact that I have gym, and then get there and fight a battle with myself about whether it would be too much to just walk right back out the door.
But I love gymnastics. It's a part of me.
It's just... sometimes things just happen and you have to let stuff go.
I'm going to believe that J might be less than jubilant when I'm gone.
I'm going to miss everyone. (There is a stupid, idiotic, selfish, whiny, egotistic part of me that wants people there to miss me, too.)
I can't believe I quit gymnastics.
I kind of hate myself right now.
But whatever. It's done. It's over. Go away.
Today, February 27th, 2008 is a memorable day because as of 4:46 today, I am no longer a gymnast. Yeah. It's kind of surreal.
And by "kind of" I mean "spazz attack worthy".
But not the point. Here, have a story:
Today, after school, my mom drove me to gym to tell my coach I was officially quitting (I say officially because it had been about a month since I'd set foot in the gym). I got out of the car and I wasn't really thinking about anything. It was more kind of like I can't believe I'm really doing this. Am I really doing this? My feet took me to the gym door automatically. Ok, I guess I'm really doing this. I can't really describe how nervous I was. Ever get that feeling like your heart is working overtime and you feel a bit like you're going to possibly have a heart attack and die except not? That's what it felt like. Coach J was on the trampoline with the group. My mom caught his attention then headed off to speak to N about getting our money back. J walked over.
"Hello, Sarah," he said, except in that really joking way like he always does to all of us... did.
"Hi" I said.
"Sarah has something to tell you," said my mom, then left.
I hesitated.
"I'm not going to be angry at you," he said. "You know I'm never angry at you."
and then i told him. "Um, well, I've- I've been really busy with school and stuff lately... uh, and there are some extracurricular activities going on - we're getting a rugby team. And I haven't actually really been to gym in about two months..." That's how I started. I don't really remember the rest of the conversation, except that he commented about how I should do what made me happy and that I was old enough to think for myself.
Then he told me to come visit some time. Then he asked about my plans for March Break, and told me I should coach. I told him I'd think about it. Then I said goodbye and left.
I don't think I actually told him thank you for being one of the best coaches I've ever had. I'm an idiot.
And that was how I quit gym. Sure, I'll come visit for gymfest. Maybe.
But you want to know something? Too bad, I'm telling you anyway. When I talked with J about leaving, I was talking about leaving something I'd been doing for God-knows-howlong in my life. I was upset. No, I wasn't teary-eyed or anything. I guess I was pretty much how I always am. But I was upset. I am still upset. I was really upset, and I wanted J to maybe respond to that. Throughout the whole thing, all he did was stand there and look emotionless, or, like he didn't really care. I mean, I can't really blame him, since he technically doesn't have to even know I exist anymore, but still! I try not to be a drama queen IRL (not that you'd know it from reading this journal, but w/e) but for Christ's sake! Would it have been too much to ask for an acknowledgment of my two months of inner turmoil?! Was it too much to think that maybe J would miss having me in the group a little bit? Was it too much to hope that someone cared that I left a part of my fucking life behind today?!
Apparently it was.
Yes, I am glad I did it. I'm glad I don't have to wake up each day and bemoan the fact that I have gym, and then get there and fight a battle with myself about whether it would be too much to just walk right back out the door.
But I love gymnastics. It's a part of me.
It's just... sometimes things just happen and you have to let stuff go.
I'm going to believe that J might be less than jubilant when I'm gone.
I'm going to miss everyone. (
I can't believe I quit gymnastics.
I kind of hate myself right now.
