feel free to skip
Jan. 24th, 2008 07:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bitchy_merlinAfter this post, I'm going to take a 2-3 week break from posting anything about or having to do with gym. Maybe that will stop the crazy and help me get a little perspective on this stuff.
Last gym post for two weeks. Here goes:
So yesterday I went to gym for the first time in about 3 weeks fully intending to leave and tell my coach "I'm sorry, this is it", goodbye. But I got there and time passed and it was the end of class and I thought to myself "I need to say something."
And then I thought "But I don't want to quit".
And then I got angry at myself and swore to give these little gym posts a break for a while. I don't know. Maybe it's because it was the first day back, and that's always the best. Maybe it's because a small part of my subconscious actually - gasp- missed my teammates. Whatever it was, it held me back. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing is yet to be determined.
Anyway, Coach J asked me where I'd been. Busy, I said. School stuff. (Oh, J. Don't tell me you were actually worried?)
(I am quite the eloquent, loquacious one, aren't I?)
A little while later, as we were heading off to break, he asked me if I was sure it was just school stuff. I said yes and sped up in a futile attempt to avoid a conversation (Note: this doesn't work if the person you're attempting to avoid talking to is >6 feet tall). I don't talk about this stuff with my parents, what makes him think that it'll go any better with him?
"You know you can talk to me," he said. YEAH RIGHT!
I almost told him the truth. I was tempted.
"Fine! You want the truth? I'll tell you!" I would have shouted. "There is nothing wrong with me - absolutely nothing! I am a normal girl with a good life, and on one hand I am perfectly well-adjusted and normal and wonderful and mature and everything everyone expects me to be! But on the other hand, on the other hand, I am so crazy! I am insane because I'm in my fucking head and I can't get out! I can't stop thinking! I have to keep forming my opinions and then I always keep second-guessing myself - my ideas, my opinions, everything! There is something wrong with me because I don't know what to do! I never know what to do! And I shouldn't even complain because there are people out there who have it about a billion times worse than I do, and guess what? They're coping! I have no right to complain about anything at all, but I can't help it! I can't turn my brain off, it just keeps going and going and going and it won't stop! And I'm worried about stuff that I don't want to worry about and I'm so useless that I'm not doing anything to fix, and I can't do this, and I can't even stick with one decision I make, and that is the truth. That is why I have been avoiding gym like the plague for the past weeks."
That's what I would have said. But I didn't because, thankfully, IRL, I have some semblance of self-control. It's still true, though.
It was touching, his demanding to know where I'd been and why I'd been absent. And telling me I could talk to him. My cynical side thinks he's probably just worried about his paycheck, but I hope not. It was cute.
Ok, glad to get that out of my system. I've been planning that part of the entry throughout all of my four tests today. In other words, I'm reading the Count of Monte Cristo, and it is AWESOME even though I'm only at the part where Dantes is out of the Chateu d'If (coolest name ever!) and being all Sweeney Todd: "I will have vengeance! I will have salvation!" except less singing and more usefulness and being nice to good people. (ok, and the cover art? As L pointed out in french class, Edmond has extremely prolific facial hair! And Peter Gallagher's eyebrows)
I will say, however, that I would have happily read a thousand page book if all it did was to describe the wedded bliss of Mercedes and Dantes if they'd gotten married in the first few chapters. *is a romantic*
Other books on my list include:
- the Colour of Magic by Terry Pratchett
- The fourth book in the Ranger's Apprentice series, if it would EVER FREAKING COME OUT!
- finish A Hat Full of Sky ... again. Mr. Pratchett = funniest author ever. :-)
Last gym post for two weeks. Here goes:
So yesterday I went to gym for the first time in about 3 weeks fully intending to leave and tell my coach "I'm sorry, this is it", goodbye. But I got there and time passed and it was the end of class and I thought to myself "I need to say something."
And then I thought "But I don't want to quit".
And then I got angry at myself and swore to give these little gym posts a break for a while. I don't know. Maybe it's because it was the first day back, and that's always the best. Maybe it's because a small part of my subconscious actually - gasp- missed my teammates. Whatever it was, it held me back. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing is yet to be determined.
Anyway, Coach J asked me where I'd been. Busy, I said. School stuff. (Oh, J. Don't tell me you were actually worried?)
(I am quite the eloquent, loquacious one, aren't I?)
A little while later, as we were heading off to break, he asked me if I was sure it was just school stuff. I said yes and sped up in a futile attempt to avoid a conversation (Note: this doesn't work if the person you're attempting to avoid talking to is >6 feet tall). I don't talk about this stuff with my parents, what makes him think that it'll go any better with him?
"You know you can talk to me," he said. YEAH RIGHT!
I almost told him the truth. I was tempted.
"Fine! You want the truth? I'll tell you!" I would have shouted. "There is nothing wrong with me - absolutely nothing! I am a normal girl with a good life, and on one hand I am perfectly well-adjusted and normal and wonderful and mature and everything everyone expects me to be! But on the other hand, on the other hand, I am so crazy! I am insane because I'm in my fucking head and I can't get out! I can't stop thinking! I have to keep forming my opinions and then I always keep second-guessing myself - my ideas, my opinions, everything! There is something wrong with me because I don't know what to do! I never know what to do! And I shouldn't even complain because there are people out there who have it about a billion times worse than I do, and guess what? They're coping! I have no right to complain about anything at all, but I can't help it! I can't turn my brain off, it just keeps going and going and going and it won't stop! And I'm worried about stuff that I don't want to worry about and I'm so useless that I'm not doing anything to fix, and I can't do this, and I can't even stick with one decision I make, and that is the truth. That is why I have been avoiding gym like the plague for the past weeks."
That's what I would have said. But I didn't because, thankfully, IRL, I have some semblance of self-control. It's still true, though.
It was touching, his demanding to know where I'd been and why I'd been absent. And telling me I could talk to him. My cynical side thinks he's probably just worried about his paycheck, but I hope not. It was cute.
Ok, glad to get that out of my system. I've been planning that part of the entry throughout all of my four tests today. In other words, I'm reading the Count of Monte Cristo, and it is AWESOME even though I'm only at the part where Dantes is out of the Chateu d'If (coolest name ever!) and being all Sweeney Todd: "I will have vengeance! I will have salvation!" except less singing and more usefulness and being nice to good people. (ok, and the cover art? As L pointed out in french class, Edmond has extremely prolific facial hair! And Peter Gallagher's eyebrows)
I will say, however, that I would have happily read a thousand page book if all it did was to describe the wedded bliss of Mercedes and Dantes if they'd gotten married in the first few chapters. *is a romantic*
Other books on my list include:
- the Colour of Magic by Terry Pratchett
- The fourth book in the Ranger's Apprentice series, if it would EVER FREAKING COME OUT!
- finish A Hat Full of Sky ... again. Mr. Pratchett = funniest author ever. :-)
