(no subject)

( Read more... )

***

Basically, things to note:
1. SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED MY THESIS, FUCK YEAH, UNDERGRAD, YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK (except for the essay due monday... which I should start) and my last two exams
2. What a year in res! I have to write to Hanna about everything (she's about two months overdue for a letter, but lately , communicating with people is so hard for me. Even facebook messages. I can't do it.)
3. I'm on meds now - antidepressants, whatup. I don't know if they're working. I know I've gained weight. But I'm too stressed to stress about it? IDK. And I'm in group treatment for an ED. Which. Ok.
4. I seriously considered overdosing on Tylenol this past Monday. Spent a long while just sitting at my desk. Staring at my pills. :/ But I didn't cut or binge after my thesis defense, which I am proud of.

...and even I don't understand the depth of #feelings - like an electric shock, i swear - that bolted through me when I got a post card from Simo in the mail. I haven't read it. I'm terrified of feeling things.

(no subject)

I just reread some of my old LJ entries from when i was on exchange, and it literally breaks my heart to see how purely happy I was. To think that one year ago today I was surrounded by friends from all over the world...

I don't remember what happiness feels like right now. All the bitterness, all the self-loathing,the vicissitudes and the anger that Groningen erased... it's all back with a vengeance, and it feels like I've lost the best of me somewhere in that maelstrom.

I started the antidepressants because the psychiatrist said they might help me remember what happiness felt like. I'm just fat and lethargic and numb.