(no subject)

[bitchy_merlin]

I can't even fathom the degree to which I hate myself. Like, I think if I did, I would go mad right then and there.

I can feel it, but I can't think about it, I can't get too close to it because I know there's nothing I can do about it and just the hopelessness of the entire thing terrifies me.

(This post inspired by looking at my bare foot and seeing how fleshy and disgusting it is because I remember when I came back to Toronto for the summer after second year, mom looked at my feet and said "wow, even your feet have lost weight" and now they just look so fat and I hate them and i hate me and I can't do anything about it, i can only sit here and be fat and i don't want an ed again but i hate myself so fucking much and these words don't even matter because there are no words or actions or anything that could ever even come close to this abyss of self-loathing inside of me and i'm so sick of this i'm so tired i can't cope with myself i hate myself so much. but even that phrase is tired, tepid, because those are the only words i know how to use but they will never do this feeling justice, nothing could ever do it justice, it is my world, my universe, it stretches to infinity, and no pain, no angsty prose could ever fix it. even killing myself could not atone for the stain of my existence and i'm sorry for this stupid post, but god, i just don't want to do this anymore.