(no subject)

[bitchy_merlin]

this is not what you need to hear or want to hear or deserve to hear, god knows you don't deserve to hear this, but this is my way of telling somebody because that's what you're supposed to do, isn't it.

i thought i was over it. i thinki was wrong. i don't think one ever really gets over this. these. i took my meds today, but i can still feel the panic submerged beneath my skin because i can see my stomach move against the fabric of my shirt. and my face, my stupid, fat, ugly face

it's no use describing because there aren't words for the enormity, the immensity of this hate, loathing, fear

and even if there were, tell me how i'm not walking in her shadow
i know they're just thoughts but they scare me too

it would be so easy
it would be so, so easy to take the whiskey from the fridge. to tell the flatmates i'm going for a bike ride and just.

i can hear the water calling my name, i can feel its pull in the darkness
it would be cold, i would be drunk, i could do it
it would  be so easy. i would be scared, terrified, hurt - and then it would be over