bitchy_merlin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bitchy_merlin) wrote2012-07-13 07:32 am
bitchy_merlin) wrote2012-07-13 07:32 am
Entry tags:
- albertine agnesplein,
- angst,
- baww cry moar,
- be still my heart,
- beautiful moments of my life,
- beautiful people,
- brb crying a river,
- brb crying forever,
- brb on a plane,
- cry moar,
- do not want,
- dutch my life,
- emotions,
- exchange,
- fear,
- feels,
- fml,
- friends,
- fuck my life,
- groningen,
- help my hormones,
- hold all my feels,
- holy fucking shit my life,
- how is this my life,
- humanity is beautiful,
- hurr nerr derp derp,
- i am so whelmed,
- i don't even know,
- i'll just be over here feeling,
- life,
- love,
- orange kitchen,
- people in general and some in particular,
- really really dumb for real,
- shaking and crying,
- toronto,
- travel,
- tumblr,
- what is sleep?,
- what is this i don't evan,
- what what what are you doing?,
- whelming,
- why god whyyyyy????
T-49 minutes
Liveblogging from the Schiphol Airport bathrooms cause it doesn't get much classier than this. (I just spent the night not getting a wink of sleep on the selfsame tile floors... #firstclass)
I am leaving for Canada in one hour. I still can't even deal with this, and I've spent the whole damn night contemplating it. I don't want things to go back to the way they were when I left. I don't want to return to being bitter and rigid and ashamed. I've learned so much, it would be beyond cruel to negate that now.
AND THESE FEELS. I never knew what it felt like to miss someone before. Now? ALL OF ALBERTINE, COME BACK TO ME. I seriously thought my heart would stop beating when I said goodbye to Hanna last night at Amsterdam Centraal. I'm going to die! I gasped into her ear as we hugged desperately on the platform. I couldn't think of anything else to say; that was the honest truth. I really felt like I might perish of grief. I've never felt that way before, not even when I left for Kingston for the first time and had to say goodbye to Chloe and Michelle. It was - it still is - a physical ache, and my mind is swamped with vertigo. The notion that I won't see Hanna for who knows how long... it just does not compute.
When I left Pavol after Queen's Day, I felt as if I were being smacked in the face repeatedly with a giant fish. When Hanna and I parted, I thought maybe my heart would just fall out of my chest: here, take it, I don't need it anymore.
Oh, I can't believe I'm going back! I don't know what to think! For the past two nights, while I was in Izmir with Gokcen, I had nightmares about today. I kept dreaming about just... not getting on the plane. I physically couldn't make myself do it.
I could really go for some unanesthetized cardiectomy right now. It would surely be the kinder option. The worst part of friendship is goodbye.