bitchy_merlin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bitchy_merlin) wrote2012-02-10 10:46 pm
bitchy_merlin) wrote2012-02-10 10:46 pm
Entry tags:
- baww cry moar,
- be still my heart,
- beautiful people,
- boys,
- brb crying a river,
- brb crying forever,
- cry moar,
- depression,
- don't mock our intellectual greek love,
- exchange,
- friends,
- fuck yeah!,
- groningen,
- happy,
- help,
- help my hormones,
- how is this my life,
- hurr nerr derp derp,
- i am a nerd,
- i am so whelmed,
- i don't even know,
- i wish my brain would just shut up alrea,
- life,
- little gems of awesome,
- love,
- party,
- people in general and some in particular,
- shaking and crying,
- stupid sarah,
- what is this i don't evan,
- why god whyyyyy????
ALL THE FEELINGS, EVER.
;ALKDSFJ;ASLDKFA; I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL RN A;LSDKFJA;LSKDFJ
ON THE ONE HAND, I AM REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE I JUST ATE SUSHI FROM THE BLUE KITCHEN AND IT WAS LOVELY AND THE PEOPLE WERE AWESOME, AND I'M GETTING TO KNOW* THE NEW PEOPLE HERE, AND THEY SEEM REALLY NICE AND I THINK WE'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME TOGETHER
BUT
BUT
BUT
OTOH, TAMAS, JOANNA, AGNIESZKA, MILENA AND PAVOL ALL LEFT TODAY; ONLY FRANCOIS AND MICKEY ARE LEFT IN ALBERTINE NOW AND I AM SO SAD, AND I MISS EVERYONE WHO LEFT AND JUST WHY CAN'T THEY ALL COME BACK AND WE CAN ALL LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER SOB SOB SOB
I guess this is the "dark" side of exchange, the other shoe dropping. When I arrived in Albertine, I never could have dreamed that meeting people and socializing with them would be something I would ever do willingly, or, hell actually enjoy. But I came here and learned that people can actually be really awesome! They are friendly and petty, honest and fallible, mischievous and kind and human, and getting to know them is an incredible experience in so many ways, and I am just constantly amazed by the connections I have formed with them. Now, though, these people, these self-same lovely people whom I've met and socialized and - hell - become friends with are leaving for a long time - maybe forever - and it feels like someone is physically tearing a hole in the fibers of my heart. Before this year, before exchange, I never really knew what it was like to miss someone. Sure, when I was in Kingston, I missed my friends in Toronto... but that felt different somehow; I knew we would be reunited, and I was even envious of them and jealous about what I was missing out on, studying at Queen's. But this, what I'm feeling now, feels purer - like the jealousy and pettiness and extrinsic motivation has sluiced away, and there's just a hopeless empty yearning like a dull ache in my heart; a steady thud thud thud, but instead of blood pumping through my veins, it's longing to have these people back in my life. I can't put my finger on when they collectively came to mean so much to me, but it happened somehow, without my knowledge or consent and now they're gone and my heart is gone with them, scattered all over the world wherever they may be.
(Guys, I miss you. Come back!)
Also, last night, we went out to Snow Valley for Albertine's last hurrah. We were drunk off our asses when we finally hit the dance floor at 2am, a large, sweaty, stumbling, heaving group, smiling and dancing and jumping around. Pavol grabbed me pretty much five minutes into the night and I spent the entire time basically dry humping with him on the dance floor, only stepping away temporarily when he started pulling a Lord Voldemort and trying to finger me through my jeans. (Unfortunately, it didn't go further than that. Sigh.)
This morning, Zsofi tried to make fun of me for how we were dancing, but I found myself unable to take offense at it. I'm not like you, I wanted to say, no one has ever desired my body. Pavol wants to dry hump for two hours on the dance floor - you know what? That's good with me. I only regret not making out with him when I had the chance; I'm pretty sure that if I spoke Slovak, we would be pretty much married right now.
*Case in point: Wednesday night chatting with Albus (!) in Yellow Kitchen during Tamas' goodbye party; Thursday evening chatting with Modestas (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LARGE STEPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and Ivan, tonight, sushi and exploring Albertine to meet new people.
ON THE ONE HAND, I AM REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE I JUST ATE SUSHI FROM THE BLUE KITCHEN AND IT WAS LOVELY AND THE PEOPLE WERE AWESOME, AND I'M GETTING TO KNOW* THE NEW PEOPLE HERE, AND THEY SEEM REALLY NICE AND I THINK WE'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME TOGETHER
BUT
BUT
BUT
OTOH, TAMAS, JOANNA, AGNIESZKA, MILENA AND PAVOL ALL LEFT TODAY; ONLY FRANCOIS AND MICKEY ARE LEFT IN ALBERTINE NOW AND I AM SO SAD, AND I MISS EVERYONE WHO LEFT AND JUST WHY CAN'T THEY ALL COME BACK AND WE CAN ALL LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER SOB SOB SOB
I guess this is the "dark" side of exchange, the other shoe dropping. When I arrived in Albertine, I never could have dreamed that meeting people and socializing with them would be something I would ever do willingly, or, hell actually enjoy. But I came here and learned that people can actually be really awesome! They are friendly and petty, honest and fallible, mischievous and kind and human, and getting to know them is an incredible experience in so many ways, and I am just constantly amazed by the connections I have formed with them. Now, though, these people, these self-same lovely people whom I've met and socialized and - hell - become friends with are leaving for a long time - maybe forever - and it feels like someone is physically tearing a hole in the fibers of my heart. Before this year, before exchange, I never really knew what it was like to miss someone. Sure, when I was in Kingston, I missed my friends in Toronto... but that felt different somehow; I knew we would be reunited, and I was even envious of them and jealous about what I was missing out on, studying at Queen's. But this, what I'm feeling now, feels purer - like the jealousy and pettiness and extrinsic motivation has sluiced away, and there's just a hopeless empty yearning like a dull ache in my heart; a steady thud thud thud, but instead of blood pumping through my veins, it's longing to have these people back in my life. I can't put my finger on when they collectively came to mean so much to me, but it happened somehow, without my knowledge or consent and now they're gone and my heart is gone with them, scattered all over the world wherever they may be.
(Guys, I miss you. Come back!)
Also, last night, we went out to Snow Valley for Albertine's last hurrah. We were drunk off our asses when we finally hit the dance floor at 2am, a large, sweaty, stumbling, heaving group, smiling and dancing and jumping around. Pavol grabbed me pretty much five minutes into the night and I spent the entire time basically dry humping with him on the dance floor, only stepping away temporarily when he started pulling a Lord Voldemort and trying to finger me through my jeans. (Unfortunately, it didn't go further than that. Sigh.)
This morning, Zsofi tried to make fun of me for how we were dancing, but I found myself unable to take offense at it. I'm not like you, I wanted to say, no one has ever desired my body. Pavol wants to dry hump for two hours on the dance floor - you know what? That's good with me. I only regret not making out with him when I had the chance; I'm pretty sure that if I spoke Slovak, we would be pretty much married right now.
*Case in point: Wednesday night chatting with Albus (!) in Yellow Kitchen during Tamas' goodbye party; Thursday evening chatting with Modestas (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LARGE STEPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and Ivan, tonight, sushi and exploring Albertine to meet new people.