bitchy_merlin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bitchy_merlin) wrote2013-07-07 12:56 am
bitchy_merlin) wrote2013-07-07 12:56 am
Entry tags:
the unthinkable happens
First my brother, then one of my best friends. Why does it feel like everyone around me tends towards suicide?
I got a facebook message from her today as I was supposed to be leaving for a dinner party. Do you have a minute? she said. I don't want to do this over facebook. It was just words on a screen but she'd never used that tone before. I dropped everything, bolted downstairs and was on skype in thirty seconds, trembling with anxiety. Was she pregnant? Had her boyfriend proposed? Was she moving to England?
Something creepy happened yesterday, she said.
Creepy? Like what? Maybe her period was late, I thought.
No. Wrong.
Creepy as in she fucking tried to kill herself last night. What the fuck. What the FUCK. I was physically shaking when I read her message. She OD'd on her perscription meds in the bath (but she drained the water first, thank god). The meds weren't much, she said; the bottle wasn't full and only ended up making her feel tired and a little dizzy.
She said she didn't know why she'd done it. I know she suffers from depression but she said things had been stable, better, with her meds. Or so she thought. God, I can't imagine. (No, that's a lie. I can. The crystal clear feeling of are we really going to do this? And the answering: fuck it, yes. Fuck.) I feel fucking schizophrenic, she said.
She found a note she'd written. She says she can't understand it.
I didn't know what to say. I said I'm here for you. I said I love you unconditionally. I meant. I mean it. I will continue meaning it. If she gets help. If she doesn't get help. I don't know if she knows but I want her to understand: when I say unconditionally, I mean unconditionally. I can't write the words - but if the worst should happen - I would still love her and respect her no matter what.
And fuck but it kills me to be here, stranded on this side of the Atlantic, I fucking can't see her, can't do anything. I would be on the next flight to England if she wanted me to. I would swim there. But this. I don't know how to deal. I don't know what to say. I just want to hug her and keep her safe and do what I can to help her feel better; and right now that means I'm an invisible facebook presence and ok, I can be that, I can do that, but oh my god, how do I deal with this you're so goddamn amazing how can I help you feel better? You deserve to feel better, you are a great person.
a;sdflkas;dlfka;A;SLDFKA;SDKG I just did not see my evening going like this? Oh god, and I'm so scared for her.
I got a facebook message from her today as I was supposed to be leaving for a dinner party. Do you have a minute? she said. I don't want to do this over facebook. It was just words on a screen but she'd never used that tone before. I dropped everything, bolted downstairs and was on skype in thirty seconds, trembling with anxiety. Was she pregnant? Had her boyfriend proposed? Was she moving to England?
Something creepy happened yesterday, she said.
Creepy? Like what? Maybe her period was late, I thought.
No. Wrong.
Creepy as in she fucking tried to kill herself last night. What the fuck. What the FUCK. I was physically shaking when I read her message. She OD'd on her perscription meds in the bath (but she drained the water first, thank god). The meds weren't much, she said; the bottle wasn't full and only ended up making her feel tired and a little dizzy.
She said she didn't know why she'd done it. I know she suffers from depression but she said things had been stable, better, with her meds. Or so she thought. God, I can't imagine. (No, that's a lie. I can. The crystal clear feeling of are we really going to do this? And the answering: fuck it, yes. Fuck.) I feel fucking schizophrenic, she said.
She found a note she'd written. She says she can't understand it.
I didn't know what to say. I said I'm here for you. I said I love you unconditionally. I meant. I mean it. I will continue meaning it. If she gets help. If she doesn't get help. I don't know if she knows but I want her to understand: when I say unconditionally, I mean unconditionally. I can't write the words - but if the worst should happen - I would still love her and respect her no matter what.
And fuck but it kills me to be here, stranded on this side of the Atlantic, I fucking can't see her, can't do anything. I would be on the next flight to England if she wanted me to. I would swim there. But this. I don't know how to deal. I don't know what to say. I just want to hug her and keep her safe and do what I can to help her feel better; and right now that means I'm an invisible facebook presence and ok, I can be that, I can do that, but oh my god, how do I deal with this you're so goddamn amazing how can I help you feel better? You deserve to feel better, you are a great person.
a;sdflkas;dlfka;A;SLDFKA;SDKG I just did not see my evening going like this? Oh god, and I'm so scared for her.