(no subject)

[bitchy_merlin]

I want to be back. I want to be back in a little house in Finland, one floor and a basement. I want to be back with the whitewashed walls and the creaky floor and the dimly lit bathroom. I want to poke my head in the cramped laundry room, pass by the candles in the window on the way to the shower. I want to run laps around that neighbourhood, watch Eurovision in the living room, eat breakfast in the kitchen.

But more than that, I want to be who I was with the people I was with. (Well, mostly. Maybe I don't really want to relive the anorexia.) Maybe I'm building it up and it wasn't really heaven. It was just the closest I've ever gotten.

But to talk the way I talked and to laugh the way I laughed there. I want it so badly my bones ache.