you never really wanted it; you settled for a bit of it

[bitchy_merlin]

1. My first cuts were in grade 12, done in the kitchen on my left index finger with a small kitchen knife because I wanted to know what it felt like.
2. My wrists.
3. I want to be happy.
4. No, not yet, because I can go for long periods of time without harming myself. But whenever I feel overwhelmed with emotion - any emotion, be it fear, happiness, sadness, anger, whatever - my first, instinctive reaction is always to hurt myself.
5. What, apart from the fact that I'm hurting enough inside to take it out on myself outside? I hate the shame.
6. I like seeing myself bleed (or bruise, or scar). I like the feeling of the blood as it drips down my wrists or my thighs. I like the look of red against my skin. I like the momentary pain and the blood because it feels like I'm getting what I deserve.
7. Crying (which I physically can't do anymore, thanks to antidepressants); listening to music; reading; curling up in a ball in bed; masturbating; writing; sleeping; exercising; going online; talking to friends... but tbh when I get the urge to hurt myself, I usually just go for it.
8. ...I don't know.
9. Yes. Saved on my phone, because I bled a lot and liked it.
10. I used to be very negative about my scars and care a lot about hiding them, but lately, I don't give a fuck and as long as my parents don't see, I don't care. Plus, when I'm by myself, I think they look pretty badass. They're pieces of my history that I wear on my skin, and I can tell you which ones are from what instrument and when/where.
11. A bus bathroom, on the road from Barcelona to Amsterdam, on my 21st birthday. I was with a friend; I felt emotions and I needed to hurt myself. I locked myself in the cramped tiny stall and used the scissors from my manicure set to pop a razor blade from my razor. I bled enough to soak through my shirt and stain it a dirty brown, but my friend never noticed anything for the duration of the 29 hour ride. I have 7 scars from that night; 3 on my left wrist and 4 on my right.
12. I use razor blades mostly, though I can also make do with punching walls. I used a scalpel for a bit as well, but I think razors draw blood more easily. I keep the scalpel and a blade in my bedside table drawer; recently, I've also started carrying a razor in a small plastic baggie in my backpack and that goes everywhere with me.
13. ...I don't know.
14. No.
15. There's enough that floats around on the internet about it, that I don't really need to visit any particular sites. I have investigated the self harm tag on tumblr, though.
16. My advice would be: don't do it. But that's kinda hypocritical. So maybe, don't be ashamed of it. (Also kind of hypocritical. I just don't think I should ever give advice about this)
17. Yes. Probably. Not stated explicitly, but.
18. Dear Recovered Person: Do you actually exist? Has anyone seen your scars? I fucking hope so. Peace, Sarah
19. No hiding from parents. No excessive trips to bathroom. No worries about bleeding through clothing. No underlying cause/proactive ways of dealing with emotions. Enough scars.
20. I don't know. Maybe the first time I did it for serious, Sept. 25th in first year uni, sitting in my res room with the lights on, the door locked, and the small knife in my hand while my floormates were out getting drunk. I was alone and hurting and confused and I couldn't cry but I could damn well bleed.
21. I tried to stop when I first started doing it for real, in first year uni. I was scared of what it was and what I thought it meant. I didn't cut for a couple months. Now, I cut my thighs so no one sees, and I don't give a shit.
22. When I'm cutting: The bathroom. Or my room. Any place with a lock. Anytime I'm bleeding.
23. "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming... Wow, what a ride!" - Hunter Thompson
24. Emotions. Any strong feelings. Anything to do with EDs because I'm recovering from one. Anything that reminds me I'm worthless. Lots of Marianas Trench lyrics. Whenever I'm uncomfortable. Whenever other people hurt. Whenever I fail.
25. It's common. And it doesn't necessarily mean someone is suicidal.
26. the internet. Postcards from friends. Friends. <3
27. I'm not scared of it. Maybe that's a bad thing. I'm not ashamed of my scars because they're a learning experience. I just don't want my parents to find out cause they would be sad.
28. In life? Get job. Pay rent. Have fun in Kingston. Travel.
29. Not yet.
30. too lazy atm.