bitchy_merlin (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bitchy_merlin) wrote2013-04-13 08:24 pm
bitchy_merlin) wrote2013-04-13 08:24 pm
Entry tags:
(no subject)
amidst all and it hurts, it hurts because
i showed you all of this , all of me
i showed you my body and my mind
i showed you my soul
i laid bare all that i knew how and it was
yours
for the taking
but i never showed you this
the second shadow
that lays across my heart
amidst the laughter and the glee
you never guessed my poisonous thoughts
the ones that seep into my mind like
mold through an old carpet.
amidst all the history i told you,
never once did you learn the true story
of the silver scars that wrap my wrists
like chains
i wear long sleeves because
the blood that bleeds is mine
i wanted to give you everything
but part of me i always held back
these secrets are dark
and i must keep them
i wish you could save me
save me from myself
but my mind is set on its own demise:
it recognized you as a saviour and it froze my hands
when i reached for you
it froze my voice
when i called for you
my mind is set on its own demise
and i'm just collateral damage
in my own destruction
you could not
cannot
save me because
i would not
will not
let you
and it hurts
***
Basically, things to note:
1. SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED MY THESIS, FUCK YEAH, UNDERGRAD, YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK (except for the essay due monday... which I should start) and my last two exams
2. What a year in res! I have to write to Hanna about everything (she's about two months overdue for a letter, but lately , communicating with people is so hard for me. Even facebook messages. I can't do it.)
3. I'm on meds now - antidepressants, whatup. I don't know if they're working. I know I've gained weight. But I'm too stressed to stress about it? IDK. And I'm in group treatment for an ED. Which. Ok.
4. I seriously considered overdosing on Tylenol this past Monday. Spent a long while just sitting at my desk. Staring at my pills. :/ But I didn't cut or binge after my thesis defense, which I am proud of.
...and even I don't understand the depth of #feelings - like an electric shock, i swear - that bolted through me when I got a post card from Simo in the mail. I haven't read it. I'm terrified of feeling things.
i showed you all of this , all of me
i showed you my body and my mind
i showed you my soul
i laid bare all that i knew how and it was
yours
for the taking
but i never showed you this
the second shadow
that lays across my heart
amidst the laughter and the glee
you never guessed my poisonous thoughts
the ones that seep into my mind like
mold through an old carpet.
amidst all the history i told you,
never once did you learn the true story
of the silver scars that wrap my wrists
like chains
i wear long sleeves because
the blood that bleeds is mine
i wanted to give you everything
but part of me i always held back
these secrets are dark
and i must keep them
i wish you could save me
save me from myself
but my mind is set on its own demise:
it recognized you as a saviour and it froze my hands
when i reached for you
it froze my voice
when i called for you
my mind is set on its own demise
and i'm just collateral damage
in my own destruction
you could not
cannot
save me because
i would not
will not
let you
and it hurts
***
Basically, things to note:
1. SUCCESSFULLY DEFENDED MY THESIS, FUCK YEAH, UNDERGRAD, YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK (except for the essay due monday... which I should start) and my last two exams
2. What a year in res! I have to write to Hanna about everything (she's about two months overdue for a letter, but lately , communicating with people is so hard for me. Even facebook messages. I can't do it.)
3. I'm on meds now - antidepressants, whatup. I don't know if they're working. I know I've gained weight. But I'm too stressed to stress about it? IDK. And I'm in group treatment for an ED. Which. Ok.
4. I seriously considered overdosing on Tylenol this past Monday. Spent a long while just sitting at my desk. Staring at my pills. :/ But I didn't cut or binge after my thesis defense, which I am proud of.
...and even I don't understand the depth of #feelings - like an electric shock, i swear - that bolted through me when I got a post card from Simo in the mail. I haven't read it. I'm terrified of feeling things.