bitchy_merlin | this is really not how I imagined my life going at this point

Oh my GOD, I am such a freak. I can't even deal with this right now!

Exams, again, and I hate, hate, hate the subhuman creature I become around this time. I just want to scream. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Why can't I function like the normal human being I should be?

It started when I noticed that - whoops - I couldn't fit into the jeans I bought last summer. AKA, I'd gained weight. And then I got my period for the first time in about eighteen months - holy shit, I'm not infertile! That's good, right?

Apparently not!

I have to admit, I have to be honest here (because where else?): right now, I am terrified. My body terrifies me. The things I am doing to it are not healthy. For instance, for the past week, I have been restricting again, more than last March, possibly even more than the summer. My caloric intake per day has been approximately 900 calories (except today: I had extra pasta - BAD! - bringing me up to about 1200). I've also been exercising like a maniac, trying for 2 hours a day (yesterday, for instance, was a 30 minute jog followed by almost 2 hours of playing football).

I feel like shit.

I wake up, and I hate the fact that I'm conscious. I always try to exercise before I eat, which means by the time I'm done, my blood sugar is bottoming out and I can barely muster the muscle tension necessary to keep myself upright, much less carry on a conversation with my friends or approximate anything else close to normal functioning. I can literally feel the white noise in my head as my brain struggles to cope with this. (It gets better in the evenings, though, because dinner is usually my most caloric - God, it is triggering to write that word! - meal; this is also unhealthy!)

I've lost weight, though. I fit into my pants again.

But I'm ugly, I'm hideous. I am weak and shrunken and decrepit, but I am terrified of not restricting because I know the weight is not going to come back as a nice ass or boobs or whatnot - it's all going to be abdominal fat, I know it. That's how my body works. When my stomach expands, I look fucking pregnant. (And I really can't afford to buy new fat clothes.) My body is all wrong.

I was bad today, and I feel it. The extra food is a lead weight; it's churning in my stomach and I wish I could induce vomiting just to be rid of it. (But I've tried that, and no success so far.) God, and it was fatty food too, the worst kind. I know I can rectify it but just the thought of undoing all my hard work - it's (I'm) revolting. It's coalescing on my abs, I'm obese, I look like a whale.

I'm going to try to be better tomorrow. There's a picnic for our house happening in the afternoon. I know I am usually uncontrollable at these things, but I'm going to try to be good. Moderation is key. I wish I could purge.

All I can think about is this downwards spiral I'm caught in. I can't keep this up - it's too much. But when I think about stopping the restriction, I am plunged into ice-cold terror. 900 calories. It's so easy to gain weight, but after restriction, the weight doesn't go away. It's so, so stupid, so awful - I wish I could stop this, erase this part of my life and feel good about myself, but I don't know how.

And everyone I see here, my friends, the people I've met, my family - so slim and perfect, naturally. So in control. I'm not; I can't control myself around food, I just keep eating, it's disgusting. So I'm trying not to allow myself to start.

I'm trying to look for a way out of this, but I keep stumbling over and over into a giant impenetrable wall. There are no other options. Restriction or uncontrollable obesity. I am buried in the trenches of my mind, awful mental patterns like a prison and I'm both the inmate and the gatekeeper. I don't want to let myself out.