remember when the only purpose of our days was to live them together, remember when we laughed and cried and loved in our best moments

i remember you and your warmth and the kindness of your spirit, giving me the courage to be someone i never thought i could; i was centre-stage, i was the prima ballerina, and it was all thanks to you and the particular shade of your smile, the colour of your eyes, fluttering like the wind

i remember the grey days and rainy nights that weren't ever that bad because we were together and we had each other through all of it, and i can honestly say i was never homesick because i had you and i made my home in your heart

your heart is a beautiful place
DEAR SELF I HATE YOU
NO LOVE, SARAH

*breathing heavily*

self-loathing )

Raw Words

Jul. 31st, 2012 04:29 am

I just needed to put this somewhere other than my head for a while. There will be posts not dedicated to wangst! Just... not quite yet.

I'm getting a headstart on the mental health/body image issues this year... #overachiever :-/ )

(and two weeks, two weeks until I go back to Kingston for Don Training and then it will be September and I will be insured and I will finally be able to talk about this to someone who at least gets paid to put up with my shit)


Exams: 3/5*

Dear body:

WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Stop dying on me! Exams aren't done yet, you cannot keep collapsing all over the place halfway through the day. I require the ability to complete sentences until Thursday at 5pm! I have to study like a mofo for French and Biopsyc, and that is dependent upon your ability to continuously maintain adequate muscle tension and to actually concentrate for more than 30 seconds at a time! This zoning out business has got to stop.

No love,
Sarah

a;sdlfjasdklf I am going to fail all the things. I am panicking now, but I cannot concentrate enough to study, which is new and unsettling. Thoughts start forming in my mind and then before I can complete them, they get obscured by white noise. So dumb.

As long as I can make it til Thursday, all will be forgiven.

*Exams I have a shot at passing: 0/5
I'm stressed, cranky and tired. I haven't spoken to another human being all day (ordering coffee doesn't count); I've been out of the house a grand total of twice. I feel like shit because I haven't been able to go to the gym. I have been working on this essay for twelve goddamn hours. It's a piece of shit, and I'm sick of thinking about it - I have exams coming up in four days. I've eaten nothing but oatmeal and junk food all day, and I wish I could throw it all up (but my textbook says that you only lose 50% of the calories, max, and that's if you throw it up immediately after consumption). My fingers are bleeding from where I've been giving myself hangnails.

The essay is still three pages over the limit, my emails are getting on my prof's nerves, and I have no idea what I'm even saying anymore.

Someone explain to me how these are supposed to be the best years of my life.

ETA: And also I am an ass for standing people up inadvertently. I should possibly just staple a KICK ME sign to my back, at this rate. :/ 

GDI

Apr. 3rd, 2011 07:38 pm
University is eight hours in the library with three sentences to show for it.
SELF-IMPOSED 24-HOUR INTERNET* BAN STARTS AT 9:30PM THURSDAY, MARCH 31ST. Because I cannot afford to let my marks slip at all this term, and I have just spent two hours doing nothing when I should have had the second paragraph of my essay written, and I feel like scum.

*Exceptions: checking email in class is fine, because Friday's lecture is just Dr. B's Really Fascinating Life History (aka not something I need to worry about for the final). Also, anything related to research for my lab report/said essay. BUT THAT'S IT.
I am vacillating between hey, this is just a normal day, I can do this and ohmygod so many people are drunk and everyone I know will be getting drunk and DO NOT WANT DO NOT WANT DO NOT WANT.

Sometimes, I feel like party behaviour is this giant, invisible bully because hearing Everyone Else getting sloshed at 10:42 am makes me feel awful about myself, sitting in my room at my computer. WHAT IS THAT, EVEN? This is when I miss Toronto something fierce, because at least there I know people who don't consider going to bed at 11pm a moral flaw.

UGH I wish I knew more people who believed in moderation. Or plans that didn't involve hiding in my room tonight, IDK.
Well, I'm back in Kingston. Pleasantly surprised to find that the apartment is a) still standing, and b) relatively clean. Right now I'm just taking a minute to be slightly overwhelmed by the amount of work I've neglected over reading week: not merely readings, but also a lab report (I think I need to scrap what I have so far and start over again, because things are looking wonky, arrgh), a German assignment, and the part where I have until Friday to make a decision about going on exchange.

Thankfully, with the power of To-Do lists, I have Plans, which will hopefully allow me to take the stick out of my ass so I can pretend to be Normal. Also, coffee. There is nothing that cannot be conquered by the addition of More Caffeine. 

The weekend was totally worth the imminent stress, though. On Saturday, I slept in (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was glorious~), baked banana bread and hung out with Eden before having dinner with the grandparents. Later, Chloe came over and we skyped [livejournal.com profile] cherishedsaulie  and watched the vlogbrothers until two in the morning. I HAVE BEEN CONVERTED. Extremely belated though I am, ;alskdjf;asd I have oodles of love for them now. Today, we had the relatives over for Oma's birthday lunch. I do not think my waistline was helped by the entire table of chicken rice/chow mein/salmon OMG I devoured, but I'm reminding myself that university fare starts again on Monday, so it's completely justified.

OH AND BY THE WAY, WHITE COLLAR EP 2.14 IS THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER OH MY GOD IT IS LIKE FIC ON TELEVISION.

One last tidbit and I'm done: THE EAGLE - NOW IN LATIN
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOL BRB FAILING AT LIFE FOREVER~ FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF WORST INTERVIEW OF LIIIIIFFFFEEEEEEEEEEE OMG WHY AM I ALLOWED TO GO ON EXISTING, I DONUT GET IT.

*headdesk forever*

ugh :|

Feb. 11th, 2011 05:57 pm
aslkdfal;s I hate this part of the day, when my second coffee has worn off and I would give an arm and a leg to be able to go to sleep right now, but I can't, because midterms are going to fucking murder me next week, and just. So much DO NOT WANT. ://////////////////////////// JE SUIS UNAMUSED RN.

On the bright side, I treated myself to a riser for lunch today and it was absolutely fucking delicious. The coffee was vile, though. Arrgh, I want midterms to be over so I can properly freak out about being homeless and unemployed! Rage! Angst! FEAR MY HORMONES for they are persistent assholes! (Fffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.)

...and they say grad school is worse than this. Urge to hide under bed forever rising.
*picks self up off the floor*

*tentatively tries to reattach all the broken bits*

*fails*

...

...

...

Did that just happen? Oyyy, and here I was thinking that abnormal psyc got better in the second semester. WHOOPS, GUESS NOT. :/ IDK if I am just being the "wronged woman" here, but was there a single question on there that actually pertained to, oh, I dunno, anything in the lectures?!

*while studying*
Sarah: "I totally got this!"

*reading first question*
Sarah: "FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU brb getting steamrolled by a multiple choice exam, oh fail"

Hurg.

Anyway, the notes must go on; LJ-therapy break over, time to tackle... BIOPSYCH! Noooooooooooooooooo
Well, that was an eventful weekend! Not all in good ways, unfortunately, but c'est la vie. To be fair, everything but the ending was fantastic.

#OHDEER )

I'm trying really hard not to freak out about things, but I had my day planned out today, and I'm really fucking pissed at the money, and I feel awful cause all I've done this weekend is eat like a fucking pig and just. Fuck.

But for the most part, the weekend was awesome, and it was really nice to see Fatima and meet her housemates and everything. So. I'm glad I got to go.

***

ETA: I am back from work, and semi-caught up with my study schedule. It'll have to do.

ETA2: OH FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, I JUST REALIZED I STILL HAVE NOWHERE TO LIVE NEXT YEAR A;SDLFKA;SK FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU ok that's it, kicking myself off the internet before I actually go crazy.
Whenever I wake up nowadays (ie: during exams), I always spend a few minutes floundering darkly under the covers, listening to my alarm clock going off, and hating the world. :/

Usually the feeling subsides when I put on mah big girl panties and get out of bed. Unless it's a day like today, when I wake up to discover my housemate has her booty-call of the week here - again. I wouldn't mind, except our apartment is small (very small) and he's a stranger, and - oh, wait - I do mind.

Getting out of here as soon as I finish breakfast and make myself presentable.
Things I should be doing:
- oh, IDK, studying for the HLTH102 final that's worth 50% of my mark? Just a thought, self.

What I'm Actually Doing:
- choreographing really dumb dances to everything Imogen Heap has sung, ever. a;lsdfkjal;sdkf I LOVE HER VOICE, IDEK.

UGGGGG, YOU GUYS, I AM GOING HOME IN FOUR DAYS. (Well, three if you don't count today.) CANNOT. WAIT. I want to get really, really drunk and then pass out and forget about everything. No, I lie. I want to go and have dinner with my family and then sleep for like a million years so that life will make sense when I wake up. :/ cry moar

Anyway, Anne and I ran all the way to West and back this morning ;) I'm so proud of us, but especially her, since, in her own words "I could barely run two blocks when we started". :DDDD \o/





owfuck

Apr. 17th, 2010 08:53 pm
Oh my God, ow.

Note to Self: Next time your body is being all wonky and telling you "Hmm, maybe you should just stay in"... LISTEN!! Jesus fuck, I hate stomach cramps with a burning passion. Haven't collapsed yet, but ugh, today is such a write-off.

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