This post is in two parts.

The first part is: it’s Friday! The week is over and it’s a long weekend; I got paid today and practiced Intense self-care. I had a bath (!!) and exfoliated and moisturized (even my feet omg) and had tasty food and it was very soothing. Hooray for good things.

The second part is: Fuck this, i am fucking d o n e. I am done. Holy fuck this is why I never care about people, I fucking hate caring about people, I am not meant for relationships because I can’t fucking handle caring about a person without hurting them I just get so angry and volatile and I pull away in some fucking weird effort to protect the other person, like, I can’t make you 100% happy so I am going to fucking leave, like what the fuck kind of black and white thinking is that even?

Am I okay at reading minds? Am i getting better at letting you do your own thing. Does any of this make sense, do you even fucking like me, god knows i can’t stand myself right now. You deserve better and I. Don’t. Want. To. Hurt. You. but hurting people is all I’ve ever really been good at, and there’s something about the way the blood pulses just below the surface of the skin that I can’t break away from.

Once I was in grade 7 and one of the grade 8 boys was talking to me and he said: “It has to be all or nothing. Either I get an A or I fail completely, but I don’t do anything in between.” And back then, I remember being perplexed by that. What kind of logic would make you raze yourself to the ground just because you couldn’t reach the sky? Funny how life gives us the answers to questions we didn’t even know to ask. Because now I get it, now I’m like that too. It’s not logic. It’s an aching fire twisting in your heart, saying death before dishonour, saying if you pour the oil and light the match and burn us all alive - at least you’re in control.

All our ashes look the same in the hollow dawn.

Sometimes i have to consciously remind myself that other people's emotions are not games.

But there's a scared primal psrt of me that just loves playing to win.

My dad was being snappy at me over text and saying stuff i know he'll regret when he looks at it later. So instead of engaging, i straight up apologized which is gonna make him feel guilty for ragging on me and part of me says it was an adult move and part of me gets a sick satisfaction out of it.

I also finally unfriended my ex on twitter insta and fb. Like she tweeted abt twisting the knife and i have been shitty to her but this is a p foolproof way to protect her against any otherimpulses i might have to contact her. Idk i felt like i was censoring myself a lot over the course of our relationship and of course there were amazing parts and i love her but i didn't feel secure and i was bad at communicating so i think this was for the best (it hurts like all hell tho).

But I'm trying to stay positive. I know the holidays will probably be pretty hard with everything that's happened this year, but there are still amazing things in my life that I'm thankful for. For example, Nastassia and I met up yesterday after like six yrs of not seeing each other and we talked and laughed for three hours, it was fantastic. And Kate is coming for New Year's, and ST invited me out to her bf's bday - so things are, like, happening. I'm really happy and grateful to be reconnecting with people and forming a life in this city again.
#notadate2k15 #butlikeafriendshipdate
Read more... )

talk sesh

Nov. 23rd, 2015 10:25 pm
Read more... )
i also just reread a bunch of my old gym/steph entries to remind myself that i've gotten over people before and I can do it again! it's okay if it takes time. it's okay to miss hayley. it's okay to love her.

(i'm fully being a coward bc i've been posting like fckn crazy on my blogs and stuff because i just needed a venting space so badly - but i can't bring myself to talk to her because aside from a littany of sorry sorry sorry... I have no idea what i'd say. what i really want is to hold her and kiss her and make sure she's alright, but if I were her I probably wouldn't want to be within ten feet of me - and knowing she hates me would just destroy me completely right now, so I'm holding off and giving her/myself some space. But my god. Every atom of my being is screaming for her.)
God help me when was the last time I felt this conflicted?

Break up?

Say nothing?

My Toronto happiness feels so far away now that I'm here. But the Kingston unhappiness feels far away as well. I don't know what to do.

The work to become comfortable with another person. The effort and the anxiety. Motivation killer.

And, holding her, being in her arms - I can believe this is what happiness with another person is. Like Chloe said about Simon: a warm cup of tea.

But sweet baby Jesus. My misery feels far away but for how long? I leave Wednesday. I can't go back to that.

I just don't know what to do. Honesty? Best policy? Only time will tell. Gods willing tomorrow I'll know.

Wish me luck.
Okay so. The last post/essay/rant on here was slightly helpful so maybe now I'll start tackling something that feels bigger and is a bit more immediate.

I don't know if I should break up with her or not.

Read more )
Okay.

I still haven't decided whether this post is going on livejournal or tumblr, so we'll keep it here for now. Long time, eh? *looks around* This place is dusty!

But aight, so on to the actual post. (With the preface that it's a bit hard to write this at the moment because I don't know where all my energy's gone but it fuckin went. Which may have something to do with the fact that I've been up since 4:30am or the fact that I've barely had any coffee today - but I'm really cozy in my bed right now with a mug of tea and my sweatpants on, so. Still good things.)
on y va )



Stop,
stop, how can you say that, how can you use such cheerful words,
yellow, yellow even on a black background, how can you smile at me when I
am wearing black, when I have worn
black for three days, how is this something you can tolerate? What is my
purpose, what is my worth, I have failed in the most egregious manner. I
need no scarlet A to convict me, for the guilt pollutes my soul, is
etched onto my bones, and when I die and they
cut out my heart under the microscope, they will find it written there
as well. Youth, now, what is youth, joy now what is joy, there is no
place in me now for such frivolous things. I am an old woman, aged,
lined and scarred, my fingertips bleed with every
breath I labour to draw. Darkness dogs my steps; my shadow strangles me
silently, the cold wind pierces my lungs, but I don’t feel a thing.

Soaked
in sweat, I wake – no I don’t because this is my life, this is real,
happening, the consummation of my existence. Tell me now, tell me the
reasons, I am a whirlwind dying.
Trash and bits of leaves falling uselessly to the ground. Sweep me under
the rug, under the sky, forget about me, I did not belong here. Do not
whisper my name. Do not remember.

I’m
sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m not sorry at all. Yes I am, God, this is not a
stain on my hands, not a damned spot, it is my very skin, blood, bones,
it will never come off. I’m
so sorry, though it was not preventable through any actions of my own,
not through any I knew how to take. My breath is gone, my gaze is weak,
my blood cools in my veins – I give myself over to you. Take me, take
this in his stead. My world is cold, I am a
husk, shell, frayed carpet underfoot. Leave me, take my breath, may it
give life to your memories of him, glowing in the darkness.

I close my eyes; may you open yours to him.
What's that, you say? The first weekend back on campus, you say? Too many self-destructive feelings right now, you say?

I have razorblades in my room? Okay.

...

I definitely did not mean to do that. OOPS.
(But after all this, what's one more scar?)
;ALKDSFJ;ASLDKFA; I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL RN A;LSDKFJA;LSKDFJ

ON THE ONE HAND, I AM REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE I JUST ATE SUSHI FROM THE BLUE KITCHEN AND IT WAS LOVELY AND THE PEOPLE WERE AWESOME, AND I'M GETTING TO KNOW* THE NEW PEOPLE HERE, AND THEY SEEM REALLY NICE AND I THINK WE'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME TOGETHER

BUT

BUT

BUT

OTOH, TAMAS, JOANNA, AGNIESZKA, MILENA AND PAVOL ALL LEFT TODAY; ONLY FRANCOIS AND MICKEY ARE LEFT IN ALBERTINE NOW AND I AM SO SAD, AND I MISS EVERYONE WHO LEFT AND JUST WHY CAN'T THEY ALL COME BACK AND WE CAN ALL LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER SOB SOB SOB


emotional deluge under the cut )
What ho, LJ-land! Things have happened since my last post - many Things, including but not limited to: two countries*, one exam, one epic Megaupload fiasco (? I'm still catching up on this) and Other Stuff which I will inevitably forget to post about, and that's fine. (But my God, I still haven't made my New Year's Resolutions yet - maybe on the bus Friday, with Hanna...)

UNDER THE CUT: Happy Discworld blather and POSSIBLE TMI re: food/body image/Sarah being just plain weird and annoying )

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