thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you so fucking much you have no idea you just fucking i don't know but it was a good thing you did a good thing

those words were exactly the ones i needed to hear, thank you so much you are amazing. you have no fucking clue and even if i swore at you till i was blue in the face that wouldn't even come close to expressing how grateful i am for your fucking message you fucker


and jesus fucking christ i am so sorry for sending that message because i know it's not what you needed to hear now of all times, not what you wanted to hear, i shouldn't even be writing shit but fuck you just handled everything so well and you're not the only person i've told it to but yours are the words that just punched through my defenses (did i have any left? i don't now) like fucking bullets through sheet metal and i can't feel my ribs or the spaces between them anymore but my heart is still tripping with adrenaline from seeing your message


i'm so, so sorry i told you. why the fuck did i tell you? i'm still beating myself up over it; you don't deserve this knowledge. i didn't even want you to respond to it; i guess i just wanted you to read it so i could say i told someone cause that's what you're supposed to do, isn't it? (one day i'm going to narrate one of these posts out loud, and you'll be able to hear what i think of myself because vitriol only translates so well onscreen) but i told you - not much, not everything, not even half, literally maybe two sentences - and you, you fucking understood what i was saying and that - that jesus fucking christ you have no fucking idea how scary that is because as much as i wanted you to see, i didn't want you to see. but you saw and i can't say thank you enough but also i feel like a real shitty person because out of everything you're dealing with right now, i am not something you need to be dealing with. it's just hard for me to be a rock when i feel like drowning.

but you're amazing. and so, so kind, and i don't deserve you i swear and fuck you're just the best and i want to take all the shitty stuff out of your life and light it on fire and then pee on it i just i feel like i haven't done anything for you but whine about my problems when really you should be doing that to me because you deserve so much more than what i'm doing and i'm here for you i swear, just tell me how i can help

fuck everything, i just want to say thank you so fucking much for listening, for understanding, for letting me know. you are honestly a gem of a human being and fuck. thank you.
tw: suicide attempt (not mine) )
A Great Summary of My Life:

I am the most awkward human being to ever awkward and I don't know what I want but I'm trying to awkward and it's just not working because I'm too awkward to awkward and I JUST HAVE TOO MANY FEELS. And too much awkward.
(God, it's a good thing typing an LJ post looks cooler than writing in a diary.)

What Would [name redacted] Do?

Theoretically, the worst he can do is say "no"...
And if he says that, it's not like I'll ever see him again...
So, theoretically, no harm, no foul...
Too bad I can't convince myself of this.
I just got back from a weekend spent in Spain and Andorra! :D (in media res, much?)

I like romancin' but I don't wanna )


***

It was nice, though, (nice isn't ever going to be a strong enough word, but it will have to do) to come back to an inbox full of facebook messages saying happy birthday. ♥ I am so blessed for my family and friends; I can't put it into words.

Happy 560th Birthday, Leonardo da Vinci.
Coming round the bend of an unplanned all-nighter spent drinking vodka and watching 28 Days Later. We finished the movie around 2 am and somehow spent four hours discussing in explicit and intense detail how we would go about Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. If the epidemic broke out in Cambridge, the decision was made to drive out to northern Finland through Denmark, staying away as much as possible from densely populated areas. Assuming we would be canny enough to believe the news broadcasts in a timely manner, our very first steps would be to withdraw cash, stock up on water and groceries, and rent a car to facilitate escape from the Netherlands (close to the UK and therefore dangerous). Long-term plans would depend heavily on situational factors; but our core group would remain essentially stable, consisting of Hanna/Jamie in the role of leaders, myself as the gormless lackey and Eddy as lackey numero deux.

The discussion actually got quite intense when we turned to the topic of whether or not we'd actually have the guts to kill potentially infected people. Hanna: yes, without hesitation. We also established an "infected policy": assuming the disease had an extended latency period (30 mins - 1 hour), the possibly infected member would be tied up (with Hanna's kickboxing tape) and put in the trunk of the car for 24 hours post-contact. If symptoms became manifest, s/he would be shot; if no symptoms appeared within the expected duration, they would be allowed free (with residual suspicion, of course).

I think I know how to survive the apocalypse in more concrete terms than I know how to apply for my master's degree. WTF.

And if that weren't enough, we then moved on to how to make our own zombie apocalypse movie, complete with casting decisions and plot notes.


Gotta love those Sunday night jam sessions~

Today, Albertine tried its hands at volleyball in the ACLO! It was a really fun game, despite the fact that none of use really knew how to play (though Mikko and Julie were actually pretty pro, and Esra definitely gave the ball what-for). After an hour of that, we biked back home and dug out Jamie's (nigh) deflated basketball to shoot hoops in the Noorderplantsoen. More epic funtimes! :D We also climbed on the play structures (i'm the king of the castle and you're the dirty rascal~) and climbed up some trees, earning some rather nasty stink eyes from parents, and wholehearted hero-worship from their children.

This evening, Nescip and the Turkish girls treated Orange Kitchen to a sing-a-long of sorts. Basically, Nescip brought out his ute (NB: IDEK exactly what it is; it's pronounced like U-T-E, but IDK if the spelling is anything close to correct, and I have no idea about the English name for that thing - to me, it might as well be a guitar) and serenaded us with some awesome Turkish music. Apparently, 99% of Turkish music is about love and tragic romance. Which is legit.
;ALKDSFJ;ASLDKFA; I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL RN A;LSDKFJA;LSKDFJ

ON THE ONE HAND, I AM REALLY HAPPY BECAUSE I JUST ATE SUSHI FROM THE BLUE KITCHEN AND IT WAS LOVELY AND THE PEOPLE WERE AWESOME, AND I'M GETTING TO KNOW* THE NEW PEOPLE HERE, AND THEY SEEM REALLY NICE AND I THINK WE'LL HAVE A GREAT TIME TOGETHER

BUT

BUT

BUT

OTOH, TAMAS, JOANNA, AGNIESZKA, MILENA AND PAVOL ALL LEFT TODAY; ONLY FRANCOIS AND MICKEY ARE LEFT IN ALBERTINE NOW AND I AM SO SAD, AND I MISS EVERYONE WHO LEFT AND JUST WHY CAN'T THEY ALL COME BACK AND WE CAN ALL LIVE TOGETHER FOREVER SOB SOB SOB


emotional deluge under the cut )
In Finnish: Hyvää Joulua! 

We just got back from Hanna's grandparents' place, where, in true grandparent style, we were plied with all sorts of delicious Finnish Christmas food (I took pictures of every dish - all will be up on DUTCH MY LIFE once I have access to my laptop again). We had rice porridge (delicous!) and fruit stew, pulla (little balls of sweetbread), jouluutorttu (flaky pastries filled with plum jam), taatelikakku (date cake) and rahkapulla (cream-filled sweetbread with lemon and raisins). I also learned how to say "thank you" - kiitos

Hanna's family was there: her siblings came with their children (adroable!). Her whole family is apparetly coming over to her house tonight, so I will get to meet even more Finnish people (and fail to communicate, due to the language barrier - but I have developed he general strategy of thanking everyone copiously and smiling all the time - seems to have worked so far...)

Can't really believe it's actually Christmas, though! I donät know where the time went! But last night, we decorated the Christmas tree, and today, we laid out the presents under it (literally a mountian of them - feels just like home!). I hope Hanna and her family like the gifts I brought- I'm thankful that the Gluhwein survived the trip here. 

Suffice to say, life is quite exciting at the moment, and I feel so lucky and blessed to be able to celebrate Christmas with Hanna and her family - not that I don't miss mine, but seriously, this is something special! :D 

HYVÄÄ JOULUA TO EVERYONE :D 

Nürnberg

Dec. 4th, 2011 08:48 pm
I HAVE BEEN TO GERMANY!

Well, technically it's been a week since I was in Germany (and if you want to get reaaaally nitpicky about it, I've been in Germany once before, to visit Tante Freidl - but I was in grade four then, so that doesn't count for these purposes), but I'm just getting to the post now, because a) there's a lot to process and b) NO TIME OMG.

Let's start the journey!
Nuremberg, part 1 )
PART 2

*He's also famous for writing the Mare Liberum, among other things, which formed the basis for international law. But he's most famous for the escape he orchestrated, involving his wife, a book chest, and a serving girl.
I have travelled! This post is a bit late, since the trip was actually yesterday, but I was so zonked by the time we got back that anything I tried to type would have turned out rather like: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

So we simply had to eat there. Jamie ordered bitterballen, which I've never had before. They were kind of like meatballs, with a crunchy outside and a really mushy inside - not so much my thing, but I can see how they'd be really popular pub food.

And finally, after the meal, we hopped back on a train to Groningen. On the way home, we made the acquaintance of another Dutch student - she was very friendly and we ended up buying cookies together. It still amazes me how people are so friendly here. In Toronto, no one really talks to each other on trains - friends, yes, but it would be really strange to start having a conversation with a perfect stranger. But here, it's really not a big deal to strike up a conversation with whoever is sitting next to you on a train. IDK if I would ever be brave enough to do that, but it's interesting to think about.


TL;DR, Utrecht had absolutely lovely scenery, and I'm so glad I got to go. Next weekend, life premitting, some other housemates and I are planning to go to Leiden for a day. Hooray, ease of travel in Europe! :D

Photos posted hopefully later tonight at DUTCH MY LIFE.


* Or jography, as Jamie pronounces it.
I still can't believe this place. I still don't understand how this - any of this - is real. I'm still grappling with the fact that with one plane trip - literally, from August 28th to August 29th - life can change so drastically. Groningen is amazing. The people I live with are amazing. Everything is amazing and I am constantly in awe (and I know, I know, give it a few weeks and see what I'm saying then, but right now I'm living in this crazy happy bubble and everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.)

In the two weeks since I've been in Groningen, I've met people from all over the world. I'm making plans to visit places I've only ever known as names on a map - if that. One of my friends, Hanna, is from Finland, and has graciously mentioned invites to her home near Christmas time. Apparently they can hunt moose there by the light of the Northern lights! There are jokes going around about Oktoberfest in Munich, which I am so, so down for. It's crazy.

And that's probably the most extravagant experience for me: I am surrounded by people - and it's awesome. Over the last two weeks, I've been talking to people, connecting with them, initiating and carrying on conversations - and it's been fun! I never knew just being with people could be this enjoyable; is this what normal people feel like all the time? Even though school is already in full swing (I read three chapters of my Industrial-Organizational Psychology textbook this weekend and I have an oral presentation due on Thursday), I'm able to sit with people and just chill, relax, without stressing about projects or deadlines. I'm actively seeking social contact, which is so novel for me that I'm having a hard time believing it myself. This is so different from anything I'm used to; I smile at people in the mornings, say hi to them, even just sit quietly as they talk around me, all of us just doing our own thing - it feels like acceptance, community, and it's such a completely addictive feeling. How have I never experienced this before? It's so liberating, and I never imagined it could be like this.

P.S.: DUTCH MY LIFE
Ho-leeeee shit.


One week. One week, OMG you guys, where did the time go? This time next week, instead of answering questions about vacation accrual or filing invoices, I’m going to be in Holland, trying to catch a train from Amsterdam Schiphol airport to Groningen.


I leave on Sunday. I can’t even.

Read more... )


Um, you guys, we interrupt this broadcast to tell you that Jack Layton is dead. WTF. Hello, mindfuck. It somehow doesn’t seem possible, and yet. :/






(My flight doesn’t seem possible either, but man, I gotta start packing.)


PLUS ONE REC: Can't Go Back The Same Way You Came, Thor (movieverse), by Pell on AO3. THIS IS PERFECTION. IN WRITING. It is at once understated and heartwrenchingly brilliant, and you all need to read it yesterday. Like, it'll make you cry, it's so good.

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