I want to be back. I want to be back in a little house in Finland, one floor and a basement. I want to be back with the whitewashed walls and the creaky floor and the dimly lit bathroom. I want to poke my head in the cramped laundry room, pass by the candles in the window on the way to the shower. I want to run laps around that neighbourhood, watch Eurovision in the living room, eat breakfast in the kitchen.

But more than that, I want to be who I was with the people I was with. (Well, mostly. Maybe I don't really want to relive the anorexia.) Maybe I'm building it up and it wasn't really heaven. It was just the closest I've ever gotten.

But to talk the way I talked and to laugh the way I laughed there. I want it so badly my bones ache. 
trigger warning: mental health; tw: mentions of self-harm; tw: whoops i'm whining )

* * *

And, you know, most of my life for the past month has been like that above, a whole bunch of nothing. But then there are the small things, little things in the bigger picture, that I refuse to let go of mentally because they're pinpricks of light through the fog. Random, weird, angry moments. Things that confuse me.

cut for TMI thanks to my hormonal imagination )
remember when the only purpose of our days was to live them together, remember when we laughed and cried and loved in our best moments

i remember you and your warmth and the kindness of your spirit, giving me the courage to be someone i never thought i could; i was centre-stage, i was the prima ballerina, and it was all thanks to you and the particular shade of your smile, the colour of your eyes, fluttering like the wind

i remember the grey days and rainy nights that weren't ever that bad because we were together and we had each other through all of it, and i can honestly say i was never homesick because i had you and i made my home in your heart

your heart is a beautiful place

snippets

Aug. 31st, 2012 06:49 am
from Res100 training:


like a needle to North )


from Nuts & Bolts:

beautiful lies )
A Great Summary of My Life:

I am the most awkward human being to ever awkward and I don't know what I want but I'm trying to awkward and it's just not working because I'm too awkward to awkward and I JUST HAVE TOO MANY FEELS. And too much awkward.
(God, it's a good thing typing an LJ post looks cooler than writing in a diary.)

What Would [name redacted] Do?

Theoretically, the worst he can do is say "no"...
And if he says that, it's not like I'll ever see him again...
So, theoretically, no harm, no foul...
Too bad I can't convince myself of this.

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