rejoice! because now you can wake up from dreaming about naked girls and find it cool rather than freaking out about it. yeah :D go you. i know you waited a long time for this.

she (h) was pressed up against you and it felt so good, so warm and safe
I had a dream last night that I was trying frantically to get back to Europe. But I was a Don and I had to watch my students, and I was terrified they'd find out I needed to leave. I ended up leaving anyway, sneaking out, but I couldn't get onto a plane in time. It was very stressful.
trigger warning: mental health; tw: mentions of self-harm; tw: whoops i'm whining )

* * *

And, you know, most of my life for the past month has been like that above, a whole bunch of nothing. But then there are the small things, little things in the bigger picture, that I refuse to let go of mentally because they're pinpricks of light through the fog. Random, weird, angry moments. Things that confuse me.

cut for TMI thanks to my hormonal imagination )
I had a dream last night. I don't remember much of it, except that it was very sad, like someone had died (I think it was me). Rangers from John Flanagan's RA series were misty figures in the background. There was green - grass, I think, in a park. I was sitting on a bench, and Hannibal Lecter (NBC series) was sitting on my left. He was wearing the dark blue shirt/vest combo from the most recent episode. I remember being enchanted by the soft blue fabric as it rubbed against my arm. Gently Hannibal took my left hand in his. His voice was his own but his words were Eva's when he asked:

"What happened to your wrist?"

I angled the back of my wrist toward him, showing him the kettlebell bruise, a purpling lump on the back of my forearm. "This is from kettlebell class," I said, staring at my wrist and avoiding his eyes.

"No," he said softly, turning my wrist over so the fleshy underside faced him. "I meant what happened here?"

My scars glinted silver and red, accusatory even in the dream. I felt a deep sense of shame. I averted my eyes and was silent. Hannibal rubbed his thumb lightly over the scars and sighed softly. He said something to me then; I don't know what it was, but I got the impression he didn't want me to hurt myself. I didn't - couldn't - reply, and we sat on the bench side by side in silence, shoulders touching.

I can't quite describe the feeling in that dream, but even though I felt sad that I had caused Hannibal pain through my self-harm, I also felt and overwhelming feeling of comfort and safety knowing that someone cared about me.
Ho-leeeee shit.


One week. One week, OMG you guys, where did the time go? This time next week, instead of answering questions about vacation accrual or filing invoices, I’m going to be in Holland, trying to catch a train from Amsterdam Schiphol airport to Groningen.


I leave on Sunday. I can’t even.

Read more... )


Um, you guys, we interrupt this broadcast to tell you that Jack Layton is dead. WTF. Hello, mindfuck. It somehow doesn’t seem possible, and yet. :/






(My flight doesn’t seem possible either, but man, I gotta start packing.)


PLUS ONE REC: Can't Go Back The Same Way You Came, Thor (movieverse), by Pell on AO3. THIS IS PERFECTION. IN WRITING. It is at once understated and heartwrenchingly brilliant, and you all need to read it yesterday. Like, it'll make you cry, it's so good.
Had a weird dream last night, wherein I was trying to get back to Kingston from some ramshackle hotel in the middle of nowhere - honestly, I think it was in the middle of a manufacturing plant or something - and I missed the bus (again). So I was in the dark, dingy lobby of said hotel, freaking out at the concierge about my bus, when my family came down. My dad offered to drive me to the bus station, but my brother was Being A Dick (yep, that's new), and somehow prevented us from getting in the car. (I have no idea how. Through the powers of his assholery, I guess.) So we couldn't get in the car; I tried to call a cab, but Leonardo DiCaprio was Waiting For A Train JK It's Here! and I think his existential angst was blocking reception on my cell phone, WTF. Eventually, we managed to get into the car, but then Oma (who was randomly there, too) had to go to the washroom. We pulled over into a parking lot to find a public washroom, but as soon as she got out of the car, a wild dog attacked and savaged her leg.

It was really strange, and also really stressful, but now I am just loling about the impact of Dom Cobb's angst on my cell phone service.
Guten Morgen!

I think I got eight hours of sleep last night, and it was brilliant! I also had dreams! Let me tell you about them.

So, first there was the one in which I was part of an elite spy/ninja team based on earth, and Cillian Murphy was an evil alien who lived on a distant planet and was trying to annihilate the world. I got sent up to his planet for a recon mission (he lived in a hotel, wtf), but somehow managed to get caught. (I don't think I minded too much. It was Cillian Murphy.) Then everything became all ~film noir-like, with the black and white tones, and the pinstriped, tailored, old Chicago gangster clothing. I think Cillian had a fedora. And tentacles. Anyway, after he caught he sneaking around his hotel, he asked me why I was there, and I told him I was trying to save Earth from his death ray (unfortunately, not a metaphor for his penis...). He took me to his telescope and showed me the Earth, and it was very small and very pale, but I was a bit too distracted by his gorgeousness to really comment much. Then, we did the tango, in order to distract him from blowing up my planet. It was very sultry and romantic, and I tried to seduce him at one point. I must have succeeded, at least in part, because we got to third base*. Things were getting interesting... And then I woke up and jizzed in my pants.

I fell back asleep soon after, and found myself in Toronto. I was doing my own thing, chilling somewhere, and then my parents called being like "Do you know where your brother is?". Naturally, I didn't, cause I don't stalk the kid, and I said so. Then my mom said "I'm coming to pick you up", and did so. She took me to my grandparents' house, where my brother was being arrested on drug charges WTF. My family was a mess, and my grandparents and Oma were freaking out, obviously, and David was on the fucking garage roof or some shit, and the police were trying to get him down - unsuccessfully - and in the middle of all that chaos, I woke up. Then I was all FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU subconscious, David would totes never do drugs, I would smack some sense into that boy myself.

Now I'm off to write a German exam in T-1.5 hours. BRB, studying/imbibing coffee FOREVER.

*WHICH I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS
Oh man. I def just had a nightmare about getting a 79.3% on my psyc100 midterm, and I was all D-FACE because the cut off average for second-year psyc is 80% and the midterm was worth 10% of my grade and this meant I'd actually have to study for the final and... etc. etc. I was totally freaking out when I woke up, and I felt really depressed and anxious for some reason that I couldn't figure out for the longest time. But hah, I figured it out and I don't have to worry about it until we actually get our marks back.

In other news, I went for a run sans Anne today. It was kinda lonely but also the best cardio workout I've had in a disgustingly long time. I was gasping and panting and dying by the end of it, and it was fantastic. :)

Finally (even if everyone and their grandma has already seen it), I leave you with:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

NO, EVAN, SERIOUSLY WHAT.
Let me begin with noting that I should not actually be updating now. Tomorrow, I need to go to school early to collect all the work I missed today because of the field trip. I also have to redo the chem lab, after making the dumbest fucking mistake in the whole world and subsequently igniting my partner's paperwork, soaking mine, and getting who knows how many marks deducted from our FIRST FUCKING LAB of the year.

I hate this so so much.

But that's not the point right now. This is:

9 days

Aug. 25th, 2007 10:10 am

The dream ended suddenly, when my alarm clock went off. My first thought was God damn it, and my second thought was  Thank God I can see!

... yeah, I don't know what's going through my subconscious  either.
I am, however, exceedingly glad for my eyesight.

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