After realizing Josh Ramsay wrote his songs about going through depression and heroin addiction and an ED, I am just so sad. I do enjoy the music, I do, but it hurts to hear him sing about these things.

It is so painful and I've never felt this way about music before, and MT isn't even my favourite band but it hurts hurts hurts and yet I can't stop listening. I want to crawl inside the music and be swallowed by the pain and the anger and the desperation and fear because that is what's inside me now.

I wish I could cry, but the meds aren't letting me.
tw: suicide attempt (not mine) )
Mainlining music like it's a drug.

Shout it from the rooftops
Write it on the skyline
All we had is gone, now
Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open

Tell them
all I hoped would be
impossible


- Impossible, Shontelle (James Arthur cover)
***

Things I need to remember:
- first semester as a Don
  - Ben's postcard
  - getting hugged by Marc before I left Harkness for the holidays
  - my sassy, fabulous kitchenmates
- being nice to Sam
  - helping him resort his reprinted experimental materials
  - (and not asking for help when I had to redo mine)
  - covering his January shifts
- Raya hugged me before the holidays
- people are not the enemy

I was human once!

***

Things just pain I can't do this any of it fat FAT fat failure pain
hurt



I am ruining my life.
There are Don things. I should start exporting the feedback I get on my Weekly Logs, just to remind myself that at least my boss thinks I'm doing ok.


in which Sarah still can't shut up about herself )
What's that, you say? The first weekend back on campus, you say? Too many self-destructive feelings right now, you say?

I have razorblades in my room? Okay.

...

I definitely did not mean to do that. OOPS.
(But after all this, what's one more scar?)
This is the first time I have ever asked myself if I have a reason to get up in the morning. I ate pretty much an entire box of cereal tonight; I'm ashamed. I don't want to have to wake up tomorrow and try - again - to work it all off only to repeat the whole stupid cycle. I can finally talk to a counselor on Monday, but I'm so tired. I'm so frustrated with myself. How do I explain this? How do I explain the bitter, grey, soul-consuming weariness and beneath that, the utterly sick, inescapable, rock-solid certainty that I will never be good enough for anyone? Fucking fucking fucking fuck.

snippets

Aug. 31st, 2012 06:49 am
from Res100 training:


like a needle to North )


from Nuts & Bolts:

beautiful lies )
DEAR SELF I HATE YOU
NO LOVE, SARAH

*breathing heavily*

self-loathing )

Raw Words

Jul. 31st, 2012 04:29 am

I just needed to put this somewhere other than my head for a while. There will be posts not dedicated to wangst! Just... not quite yet.

I'm getting a headstart on the mental health/body image issues this year... #overachiever :-/ )

(and two weeks, two weeks until I go back to Kingston for Don Training and then it will be September and I will be insured and I will finally be able to talk about this to someone who at least gets paid to put up with my shit)


There are no words yet invented in the English language, nor in any other that I know that can accurately describe how COMPLETELY FUCKING TERRIBLE I feel about myself and my unending cowardice right now.

It's been the only thing on my mind ever since I woke up today. I am a continuous raw, writhing mass of emotions. Why wasn't I brave enough? He was holding my hand! Why didn't I turn around?!

I really fucking hate myself.
Exams: 3/5*

Dear body:

WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING. Stop dying on me! Exams aren't done yet, you cannot keep collapsing all over the place halfway through the day. I require the ability to complete sentences until Thursday at 5pm! I have to study like a mofo for French and Biopsyc, and that is dependent upon your ability to continuously maintain adequate muscle tension and to actually concentrate for more than 30 seconds at a time! This zoning out business has got to stop.

No love,
Sarah

a;sdlfjasdklf I am going to fail all the things. I am panicking now, but I cannot concentrate enough to study, which is new and unsettling. Thoughts start forming in my mind and then before I can complete them, they get obscured by white noise. So dumb.

As long as I can make it til Thursday, all will be forgiven.

*Exams I have a shot at passing: 0/5

ugh :|

Feb. 11th, 2011 05:57 pm
aslkdfal;s I hate this part of the day, when my second coffee has worn off and I would give an arm and a leg to be able to go to sleep right now, but I can't, because midterms are going to fucking murder me next week, and just. So much DO NOT WANT. ://////////////////////////// JE SUIS UNAMUSED RN.

On the bright side, I treated myself to a riser for lunch today and it was absolutely fucking delicious. The coffee was vile, though. Arrgh, I want midterms to be over so I can properly freak out about being homeless and unemployed! Rage! Angst! FEAR MY HORMONES for they are persistent assholes! (Fffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.)

...and they say grad school is worse than this. Urge to hide under bed forever rising.
Well, that was an eventful weekend! Not all in good ways, unfortunately, but c'est la vie. To be fair, everything but the ending was fantastic.

#OHDEER )

I'm trying really hard not to freak out about things, but I had my day planned out today, and I'm really fucking pissed at the money, and I feel awful cause all I've done this weekend is eat like a fucking pig and just. Fuck.

But for the most part, the weekend was awesome, and it was really nice to see Fatima and meet her housemates and everything. So. I'm glad I got to go.

***

ETA: I am back from work, and semi-caught up with my study schedule. It'll have to do.

ETA2: OH FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, I JUST REALIZED I STILL HAVE NOWHERE TO LIVE NEXT YEAR A;SDLFKA;SK FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU ok that's it, kicking myself off the internet before I actually go crazy.
I'm so stupidsometimes that I don't even deserve to live. God. The applications for bursaries for students going on exchange were due on the fifteenth of January. Guess who didn't even think to look up financial aid for exchange students until now? I'm such an unbelievable fucking IDIOT.


Stupid, stupid, stupid! I know exchange is expensive. I know I'm already not pulling my weight enough as it is. I can't fucking believe I was stupid enough not to check until now. How the fuck am I even alive, surely blockheads like me should just be culled at birth and save everyone else the trouble.

Fuck.

Now even if I do get nominated, it would probably be better if I didn't go. I can't bear the thought of asking my parents to pay so much moeny when if it weren't for my inattentiveness and idiocy, they wouldnt't have to. I'm just so stupid, fuck. I really, really hate myself right now.
Exam angst: Boring!  )

OKAY, HAVE MADE A TENTATIVE STUDY SCHEDULE. OMG OMG OMG PANIC.

There should just be, like, a general freakout post somehwhere, where everyone just goes anon and FREAKS THE FUCK OUT about random shit, and then feels better about it and goes on with their day. But I'm going to try and be really good and not post whiny things for the next week (except next Saturday, because that is stats, and I do not think there is a universe in existence where Sarah does not Whine About Stats).

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