[personal profile] bitchy_merlin
And so.



I am here and they are there and we are sitting together in Sarah's flat in comfortable silence broken only by the whirring of their laptop fan and the clacking of my fingers on the keyboard. It's cozy and content and I feel... at peace. (I don't want to be thinking about this, about my feelings, but I'm forcing myself to by writing this post because if not me then whom, and if not now then when?). I love them. I love them so much and I want to be there for them and support them in growing as a person and I am just so happy and so loved.

At the same time, I can't help thinking about Toronto and what I'm going back to. I'm scared (god, what a neverending theme in my life) of what the future holds. I have a job in Toronto; my friends are there; home is there. But this incredible human is here, this person who loves me and supports me during my good times and my not-so-good times; who trusts me and puts faith in me and who has opened up to me and honoured me with the vunerability of their heart. And home is also here. Home is also in their arms.

I've met their friends and walked them to class and tomorrow I'll meet Nettie, their therapist. I'm staying with their family over Christmas and we sent my parents a joint Christmas card this morning. I feel utterly comfortable around them and so overjoyed to be included in their life. But it's hard for me to be my most authentic self here in the Netherlands, in Europe - and I wonder if they might not feel the same when they come to visit in Canada over the summer; that it's hard to be themselves in a foreign place. And I miss my friends, especially now when I've just started reconnecting with them, and when I've made the first baby steps of playing with people at Oasis. I miss pole and the gym.

I also keep thinking about the openness of our relationship, which is a talk I'm well aware we'll have at some point while I'm here. (Shit, and if I'd thought of this in any intelligent capacity we'd have it before they go speak to Nettie tomorrow, but fuck of course I can't be smart like that). I love them, but I want to be able to play with other people, I want to make out with my friends, I want to go on dates with Alora because that's new and interesting and it's a fucking thrill to be wanted. I want to make a home for myself in Toronto, in this place, with these people. (I also have to remember that the Oasis group doesn't revolve around me and that having high expectations of such has historically resulted in bitter disappointment always). So there's still uneven ground for us to navigate in terms of our relationship; also I need to get better at communicating to people in Toronto that I am in a relationship (see prev post re: insecurity and self-consciousness) - so I definitely have work to do on my end.

So, where does that leave us? I honestly don't know. I'm well aware that it's not a black-and-white situation (heh, try telling that to my subconscious though) and that there's no clear-cut 'right' answer, certainly not at this stage. Like so many things, I know this will be an ongoing discussion that Sarah and I will have (another thing - when have I felt so comfortable communicating with another person? Never. This familiarity and confidence we have in each other continues to blow my mind). So I'll throw this post out there as a chronology of my thoughts, to at the very least give my future self something to learn from on this journey.

I am a very lucky person to have met you in this lifetime.

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bitchy_merlin

March 2017

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