[personal profile] bitchy_merlin
And just like that, it's fall. Sweet baby Jesus, where does the time go? (AND AT THE SAME TIME, WHY DOES IT PASS SO SLOWLYYYYYY can it be December like yesterday??? #gayChristmas, more on that later)



I just filled out the annual Queen's PSYC survey I've been doing every September since first year (gimme that sweet, sweet $10 in cash, Ron Holden!) and it stuck me how much things have changed since the first time I filled that out in undergrad. I remember sitting at my desk in second year, filling out the part about suicidality and honestly wishing I were dead - and then I filled it out tonight, seven years later - barely wanting to kill myself at all, not having any plans, no intrustive suicidal thoughts - I never thought I'd crawl out of that hole, but let me tell you - the sunlight is blinding.

So. I've been thinking about progress and about change. Undeniably, these are two things that have been major themes in my life over the past couple of years especially. School is nearly done - this is my final week of placement at an IP litgation firm which I like more than I ever thought I would. I really enjoy the hands-on aspect of clerking at this firm; my very first day was spent compiling motion records for a hearing not two weeks later; and this week marked the start of the biggest trial the firm has seen in a decade, which blows my mind (I also like it because having pharmaceutical companies as clients means I don't have to feel guilty about the firm making sweet, sweet bank off of this). (I know it's more complex than that but that's about as much energy as I have at the moment, because, oh yeah, placement is exhausting too). I really like the teamwork aspect of the job as well. I'm hoping they'll offer me something before the week is out; but I've also got two interviews lined up for next week, so we'll see how those go as well!

Having a stable job would be awesome because it would make paying rent a helluva lot easier! SImon, Chloe, Michelle and I are moving in together in November - there's this amazing half-house near Shaw and Dundas which is IDEAL AS HECK and I am tying myself in knots hoping we get it. WE COULD BE SO COOL AND SO DOWNTOWN AND SO HIPSTER. Plus, living with friends! With ground rules and boundaries and solid communicatioin! I'm stoked!

Also cause then I can have people over because I will live in a place that is Not WIth My Parents, which will be rad. And speaking of having people - Ilana and Pablo and I *nearly* had a threesome this past Friday at Ilana's birthday - but as she confessed to me on Monday, she's still figuring out where her boundaries and stuff are with Pablo which is more than fair (he was so into me, omg I felt so wanted and so flattered, yes, push me up against a wall and choke me pleaseeeeee). So I don't think we'll be hooking up any time in the near future; which I thought I'd be super put out by but lbr I barely have enough energy to bursh my teeth after placement let alone have sex.

And lbr not having sex with them makes it easier on the Sarah front as well? Like I thought we were both fine with being in an open relationship, because from the beginning I'd been quite clear that a stipulation of our relationship was that we'd still get to be physically intimate with other people. I promised myself when I got into this relationship that if I had to choose between them and me, I'd choose me and run. I dunno, we've been having a lot of discussion lately about the 'open' aspect of our relationship, because they're not as cool with it as they were before we fucked in June? Which, like. Is fair, given the circumstances. But tbh my mind still derails into the young mindset of 'I didn't sign up for this!!!!! Hurting you makes me uncomfortable which means I should leave!'. It's draining and frustrating to calm myself down from that; and I can only imagine how hard it is for them to do the same when I offhandedly mention wanting to hook up with people (yeah, in retrospect, that was a foot in mouth moment on my part). It feels similar to Hayley which is why I'm so skeeved about it; I get really upset that they're hurting - but they're hurting because of me, which makes me even more upset and it's a weird and vicious cycle. I dunno. This is still in the early stages of the discussion, and we're thinking of setting up a cue to use when one of us wants to talk about the relationship, which will hopefully be helpful.

Like. I'm really grateful that I can talk about this stuff - that we can talk about this stiuff with each other so honestly. It hurts, yes, but it also allows us to grow and learn how to better support the other in our relationship. As someone who is adamantly unused to trouble in personal relationships, navigating this whole new dynamic is challenging for me but I have faith in us muddling through somehow.

Especailly because December is #GAYCHRISTMAS aka guess who has tickets for a month-long sojourn to Europe? IT'S MEEEEEEEEEE I'MMA SEE MY PARTNER I'm so excited?! We'll be staying in the Netherlands for the last few weeks of their semester and then heading to France for actual Christmas and New Years. I'm really stoked!

I have more to say about our relationship, and I do intend to write it out here because a) this blog is important to me as a chronicale of over a decade of my life and I'd hate to stop now and b) I find it helpful to write out my thoughts on a platform more given to full sentences and introspection than tumblr. But right now I'm exhauseted after placement (and Oasis last night! Naked Rock Band! Azura's partner whose name IDK but who seems v interested in me and I am SO FLATTERED) so I'm gonna read some Overwatch fic and then crash. 

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bitchy_merlin

March 2017

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