Nov. 11th, 2015

mea culpa

Nov. 11th, 2015 10:16 pm
Here's the state of the nation:

I broke up with her.

It fucking sucked.

It still fucking sucks. I think about her every day. I get chest pains when I have to say, read, or type her name. I think about her all the time, miss her ferociously, can't get her out of my head or my heart, wish I hadn't dashed what we had to pieces, I hurt hurt hurt all the time, I've been cutting deep, I still love her I still care about her I am a mess and I cannot deny that I hope she still loves and cares about me too.

People tell me it will get easier. This is what my friends and parents and therapists and doctors say. I hope they're right.

In the meantime, I'm trying to live as normal a life as I can. Food has been very scary and hard for me recently; specifically, feeling out of control and overeating. I've gained weight, though some of it might be muscle mass from kickboxing (!!) and the weightlifting I'm doing (I can bench 50 pounds yo).

I miss her a lot and every day is a conscious effort not to kill myself, but I'm also at least peripherally aware, whenever I get sucked too much into it, that this is part of why we broke up - because I couldn't handle her shit and my own.

And I feel bad because I'm coming to the realization of things I was doing in the relationship that weren't conducive to it, and I wish I could have fixed that sooner because now we're not talking and I still miss and love her and it's painful. But I wasn't really treating her like a person, if that makes sense? I was - and probably still am - too close to my own eating disorder to not fear it in others. So it would get to the point where her eating disorder was literally the only thing about her that I could see - and eating disorders are hard to love. And, thinking back on it, I don't think it was helpful for her either, when I kept thinking that way. Like, you need people to see you as a person and not as your illness, you know? And I'm definitely still struggling with that.

There's a lot of other stuff I want to say, and I'm sure it'll make its way here as I collect my thoughts and move through the grieving process over the next few months. For now, I'm lost, hurt, confused, full of regret, and I still love and miss her terribly.
i also just reread a bunch of my old gym/steph entries to remind myself that i've gotten over people before and I can do it again! it's okay if it takes time. it's okay to miss hayley. it's okay to love her.

(i'm fully being a coward bc i've been posting like fckn crazy on my blogs and stuff because i just needed a venting space so badly - but i can't bring myself to talk to her because aside from a littany of sorry sorry sorry... I have no idea what i'd say. what i really want is to hold her and kiss her and make sure she's alright, but if I were her I probably wouldn't want to be within ten feet of me - and knowing she hates me would just destroy me completely right now, so I'm holding off and giving her/myself some space. But my god. Every atom of my being is screaming for her.)

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